Monday, July 31, 2006

Mel Gibson's Mugshot

Listen, I've long thought Mel Gibson was insane. I even wrote about it in one of this blog's first entries.

So when
he was arrested Friday night for driving drunk and then went on a retarded tirade about Jews and conspiracy theories, at one point mentioning that he "owned Malibu" I wasn't surprised in the least.

I mean, remember this look?

Well thanks to the lovely folks over at the Smoking Gun, we now have Mel's mugshot.

No word on whether the officer taking the photo, or the camera itself were Jewish.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,


It's About Time

Ya know, all summer it seems that everytime I get a day off of work, it's been cloudy or rainy.

Well not today, today it's 97 degrees, and sunny as all hell. So today is the day I start to say goodbye to this pasty white skin that has taken over my more natural Dago/Olive toned skin.

So if you need me, I'll be out back soaking it all in.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Keepin It Real Since 1980,

Saturday, July 29, 2006

You're Ass Is Mine James G Robinson!!!

Remember my post the other day about the future Mrs. Keepin It Real Since 1980's bout with heat exhaustion?

Remember how I mentioned that the fact she was up all night drinking probably had nothing to do with it?

Well shortly after I posted it, I was talking to Panger. Panger has some inside sources and she told me that my darling Lindsay was actually up all night partying, and throwing bottles of champagne off the roof of the Chateau Marmont.

Then I found this following letter, courtesy of The Smoking Gun, written to my lovely Lohan by the producer of the movie she's currently working on James G. Robinson.


I do believe Lindsay just got served.

Listen, I know Lindsay is a spoiled little psycho.

I know she spends more time on her back than most dead people.

But that's not the point.

The point is she's really REALLY hot. For that I admire her. Well her tits anyway, I admire her tits.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,

Friday, July 28, 2006

Holy Shit, Almost Forgot!

Friday Random 10.
  1. Mo Money Mo Problems-Notorious B.I.G.
  2. In the Garage-Weezer
  3. Given to Fly-Pearl Jam
  4. The Warmth-Incubus
  5. Date Rape-Sublime
  6. Feel Good-(hed)pe
  7. Make Damn Sure-Taking Back Sunday
  8. Burden in my Hand-Soundgarden
  9. The Good that Won't Come Out-Rilo Kiley
  10. Wooly Bully-The Troggs

Keepin It Real Since 1980,


Thursday, July 27, 2006

Forget the War, I Have the Real Stories

First of all, it's my mom's birthday. So Happy Birthday mom.

Of course my mom has a hard time figuring out how to use the television, so she'll never see that, but it makes all of you realize what a wonderful son I am!

Anyway, sorry for slacking on this sucker. I did get NCAA 07, but that's not the reason behind my absence, as I haven't been playing it all that much. I've just been using most of my computer time to update my sports blog. That and I kind of promised to keep anything sports related to my sports blog, and the biggest thing on my mind right now is the White Sox. So I'm going to break one of my "rules" today.


In 2.5 weeks the Sox have gone from being 1.5 games behind the Detroit Tigers, in second place to 8.5 games behind the Tigers and in danger of falling into third place. After the Minnesota Twins just finished their lovely little three game sweep here yesterday, we're tied with them in second place. We are 2-10 in our last 12 games.

The offense can't score unless it's via a home run, and the pitching can't get anybody out. In other words, we're playing like the Cubs, not the defending champs.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Now I'm not part of the whole group of Sox fans who are in full blown panic mode. There's still 62 games left to be played, and the Sox have the talent capable of winning 18 of 20 games. I'm just wondering if by the time we start doing that it will be too late.

I admitted to myself and a couple others the other day that the White Sox will not catch the Detroit Tigers. The Tigers have not gone into a slump yet this season, which all teams do at some point, but when they do they're still too good of a team to have a prolonged slump.

Instead we need to focus on the Wild Card. Actually, no, scratch that. We need to focus on winning a god damn game first. One that Jon Garland isn't starting, cuz of those 2 wins in our last 12 games, Garland was our starter. He's the only guy on the team earning his paycheck right now. Everybody else should refuse payment until they earn it.

Now starting Friday the Sox have 6 games against two bad teams:the Baltimore Orioles and the Kansas City Royals. The way we've been playing we'll be lucky to win 3 of them. They better win all 6 though cuz right afterwards we get a steady diet of the Yankees, Tigers and Twins again.

On the plus side, the Chicago Bears have started mini-camp.


Did you hear the big news yesterday?

Lance Bass of N'Sync is gay!!!

Well lemme be the 4,291st to say, NO SHIT.

I think I figured that out right

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Also anyone else notice how he decided to come out of the closet after everybody forgot about who he was, and right before he has a sitcom coming out?

Celebrities will do anything to get noticed. Hell, his publicist probably had this planned for years.

"Don't come out now Lance, not while you're still in the public eye. Wait til after your 15 minutes are over, THEN come out and do the talk show circuit. You'll be an inspiration!"


The future Mrs. Keepin It Real Since 1980 had to leave the set of her newest movie, Georgia Rule, the other day due to dehydration from working for hours in the 105 degree heat.

I'm sure the fact she was out getting plastered the entire night before had nothing to do with it.

Lindsay sweetheart, come on home and let daddy take care of you.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Oh and yes, I only mentioned this so I had a reason to post yet another picture of The Lohan.


If you're like me, whenever you play Monopoly, you want to be the banker.


So you can cheat bitch!

It's easier to skim a lil off the top when you control the money, but unfortunately for us types the makers of Monopoly have made it tougher on us.

They're getting rid of Monopoly money and replacing it with Monopoly debit cards. The game will come complete with a little ATM thing that you use to add and subtract money from each players card, making it easier to keep track of the cash flow.


I was reading this story in the Sun-Times at work last night, and laughed pretty hard due to a quote.

The article is about the fact that Big Buck Hunter, an arcade game, is taking off at bars in big cities like Chicago, New York etc. (Not in LA. Cuz in LA you're not allowed to do anything that remotely resembles fun for fear that somebody may see you having it. And that's not cool.)

So all over the country, hipsters and other anti-gun types are getting drunk at bars and then killing virtual deer.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

It makes you wonder whether us urbanites will feel the desire to actually go out and kill ourselves some real live deer. Well, the folks who already are sure hope not. Take this quote from editor in chief of Buckmasters Whitetail Magazine, Russell Thornberry.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

''I thank God they are doing it in a bar. I'm not sure I'd want them hunting anywhere near where I was hunting. They'd be a danger to me and the deer.''

Cuz you know, Russell only wants to kill the deer, not put them in any kind of danger.

Myself, I've only played Big Buck Hunter while at a bar once. Let me just say that if you ever stumble across me, and I have a beer in one hand and a shotgun in the other, running will not save you. I'm a killer, and I do not miss.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,

Monday, July 24, 2006

I Did What I Thought Was Right

I went to a White Sox game on Monday night with my parents. While at that game, I did something so completely right, but it was still wrong.

Remember those skits from Chappelle's Show, When Keepin It Real Goes Wrong? Well until now I though that was just a myth for comedic purposes.

Tonight, I learned a harsh lesson.

We were sitting in section 320 in the 8th inning when White Sox second baseman Tadahito Iguchi was at the plate. The Sox were trailing 7-2, and as a result the people in front of us had left. I moved up a row, and was sitting directly in front of my parents.

The view from Section 320

Well Iguchi fouled a pitch off right towards our seats. It caromed off the facade above us and right at my chest.

"Bingo!" I thought to myself. I've never caught a foul ball in my life while at a baseball game. I remember one time when I was about 6 at the old Comiskey Park my dad took me and my cousin Anthony to a game.

There was a foul ball hit into an empty section of seats one section over from us. I sprinted over there to get the ball, and reached it. Once I got it though Anthony, who was 10 at the time, knocked me over and took it from me.

I still bring that up from time to time when I see Anthony. I don't care if he's 29 now with a wife and a son. I'm still bitter.

Now was my chance at redemption.

Still, I made a costly mistake. I never put down my beer.

No, I had to be Johnny Bad Ass, and one hand the foul ball while never spilling a drop of my precious Miller Genuine Draft. So as the ball came for me my dad reached out for it. It deflected off his arm and veered left, towards my beer arm. The ball hit me in the left shoulder and hit the ground between my feet. It started to roll away when I kicked at it to get it back in my direction.

As I kicked it though, 4 people reached between my legs to grab the ball. (That sounds dirty.) I got one hand on it, but never had possession of it. In the end, some dude in front of me got the ball and gave it to his young son.

My mom sensed my bitterness.

"Well wouldn't you have given it to the little kid anyway?"

"Hell no!!"

I then patted the little kid on the head,

"No offense little man."

Then I sat back down and stared into my beer with the evil eyes.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

She had cost me my baseball. Of course no less than two seconds later I feel a hand on my shoulder and hear a familiar voice.

"You shoulda brought your glove."

It was Anthony Girardi from work. He had been in the same section as me the entire time but never noticed me until he saw me struggle for the foul ball.

"I called in. Don't tell anybody."

Oh, I won't Anthony....I won't.

All I was trying to do though, was Keep It Real. In the end I learned that maybe, just maybe, it's not always the right move to keep it real. It's a lesson Dave Chappelle tried to teach me a long time ago, but I was too young and cocky to listen.

But now I know.

Now I know.


Also while at the game, sure this is the bastard who hit a 3 run homer against us, but he still has the prettiest swing I have ever seen.

And I mean that in the manliest way possible.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

That's Minnesota Twin catcher Joe Mauer. They call him The Natural. He's just kinda fucking awesome. He only went 1-4 with 2 strikeouts in the game, but that one hit just happened to be a three run homer to put the game out of reach in the 7th inning.

The worst part is, going into the 6th inning with the White Sox ahead 2-0, I told my dad.

"See, now Vazquez (The White Sox pitcher) has thrown 5 terrific innings. That means in the next inning he's gonna give up at least 3 runs."*

*You'll notice in my White Sox Drinking Game rules, everytime Vazquez give up 3 or more runs in an inning, you gotta take a shot. It happens every game.

Then with a runner on, Michael Cuddyer hit a home run to right field. The next batter, Justin Morneau, hit a solo shot to right after him.

3-2 Twins.

I turned to my dad,

"I hate being right."

He just laughed.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,


Friday, July 21, 2006

Thank You Jon Stewart

I tend not to get too political on this blog. I mean I did the WW3 Timeline the other day, but that was more for comedic purpose than political accuracy.

Some people tend to think I'm a Democrat, some think I'm a Republican. To be honest anyone who claims I'm either can kiss my ass. Republicans aren't even Republicans anymore, and Democrats are so busy trying to dig up dirt on Republicans they haven't seemed to notice they've got their heads a good 4 feet up their own asses.

So they can both kiss my ass, I'm neither.

Just cuz I'm not a big fan of Bush doesn't make me a democrat, it just means I have a conscience.

President Bush did something the other day that I strongly disagree with. Of all the things he could have refused to do, he chose this? I would try to argue my points, but I saw the Daily Show last night, and Jon Stewart said just about everything I could have said, but with pictures!!!!!

So watch this instead.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,

They'll Pass You By

As I prepare for a weekend filled with nothing but work, I yearn for Monday.


Well cuz I don't have to work on Monday, which is always nice, but I shall be getting something in the mail that day as well. Once I get it, I wouldn't plan on seeing or hearing from Your Humble Blogger for at least a few days.

Hell I may even call in sick to work.

What is it that could cause this type of anti-social deviant behavior on my part?

Oh yes, it is THAT time of year. When the leaves turn colors, and drunken students return to campuses nationwide to cheer on their football teams. Just the thought of it brings a tear to my eye.

It's only July you say? Well no shit asshole, I'm talking about in the video game, not real life.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

I know that most football video gamers tend to swear by Madden. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Madden too, but nothing tops the college game. They don't have the option offense in Madden!

I remember a few years ago, my friends and I had a long standing rivalry in college football. It was way back in the day of the original Playstation. The Leemer, Silvio, Billy, and I each took a team from the Big Ten and played in dynasty mode. Everyday after class at the lovely Triton Community College we would head to my house. Once there we would battle each other for hours on end before ending up at Denny's or Vu's house drinking.

The Teams

  • The Leemer-Wisconsin
  • Silvio-Ohio State
  • Billy-Michigan
  • Myself-Penn State

Before it was all said and done, we played through 14 seasons. Billy won the first 2 championships, and I won the last 12.

See, the Penn State roster I'd inherited in the game wasn't that strong. After 2 solid recruiting classes, I finally got my squad. I didn't lose A GAME for 8 seasons.

Ah...glory days.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Anyway, it's Friday and it's time for the Random Ten.

  1. Clint Eastwood-Gorillaz
  2. Wonderful-Everclear
  3. Take Me Out-Franz Ferdinand
  4. We Major-Kanye West
  5. Can't Stand It-Wilco
  6. When the Levee Breaks-Led Zeppelin
  7. Shadowboxer-Fiona Apple
  8. Light My Way-Audioslave
  9. Smoke on the Water-Deep Purple
  10. Stir It Up-Bob Marley & The Wailers

Keepin It Real Since 1980,


Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Drink With The White Sox!

I was reading over on Deadspin yesterday, when I was inspired. They had a post entitled Get Drunk with ESPN that outlined the rules for a drinking game while watching Pardon the Interruption with Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon.

It got me thinking, what if I created a drinking game for White Sox fans while watching their favorite team play!?

So I did.

Bust out the shot glasses, and grab a case or two Sox fans. It's time to get hammered.


  • Everytime Hawk says "Can o Corn"
  • Everytime Hawk says "Cinch it up and hunker down"
  • Everytime Hawk says "In between" as in "AJ is in between right now, and has no idea what to expect."
  • Everytime Hawk mentions that the opposing pitcher is getting a strike zone much larger than the current White Sox hurler.
  • Everytime Brian Anderson strikes out.
  • Everytime Tadahito Iguchi gets that "are you fucking kidding me?" look after an umpires call.
  • Everytime Hawk says "Suck it up Joe!"
  • Everytime DJ asks Hawk a question, and is answered with silence.
  • Everytime Hawk or DJ say "Thats a hang wiffum right there."
  • Everytime Jermaine Dye makes a spectacular catch going back on a ball in right field.
  • Everytime AJ Pierzynski swings at a first pitch.
  • Everytime a White Sox pitcher sets the opponents down 1-2-3.
  • Everytime the White Sox turn a double play.
  • Everytime Hawk says "C'mon stretch! Get back there!"
  • Everytime Hawk says "Maddabattacola." Ya, I'm not sure what the hell that's from either, but it means a shattered bat.
  • Everytime Pablo Ozuna gets on base.


  • Everytime the White Sox hit a home run.
  • Everytime Hawk mentions Yaz or Catfish Hunter.
  • Everytime Jim Thome takes advantage of the infield shift and pokes a single into left field.
  • Everytime Ozzie gets ejected.
  • Everytime Javier Vazquez gives up at least 3 runs in an inning.
  • Everytime the Sox fail to execute a bunt.
  • Everytime Bobby Jenks gets a save.
  • Everytime Rob Mackowiak beats a throw to second base on a ground ball.
  • Everytime Chris Widger or Ross Gload get a hit.
  • Everytime Scott Podsednik steals a base.


  • Everytime the White Sox hit a grand slam.
  • Everytime a White Sox pitcher strikes out the side.
  • Everytime the White Sox win.

Warning:Tom Fornelli is not responsible for any cases of alcohol poisoning. Also if played correctly(And by correctly I mean you're taking a shot of whiskey, not Pucker. If you're drinking Pucker go watch a Cubs game, Sally.) you probably won't remember much that happens after the 4th inning.

If you have any other suggestions to add to the list, tell me in the comments section. If not, drink up and Go Sox!

Keepin It Real Since 1980,


Tuesday, July 18, 2006

I Wasn't Even S'posed to Be Here Today

There haven't been many movies that I've enjoyed more than some of the ones made by Kevin Smith. Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, even Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. I never saw Jersey Girl, cuz well, it was Jersey Girl. Plus I could stomach Affleck in Mallrats, Dogma, and Chasing Amy, but only because of Jason Lee.

Combine Affleck with Jennifer Lopez, and I'd rather dip my balls into a vat of acid for 10 seconds.

That would be a good conversation when bringing a girl to bed, wouldn't it?

"What happened to your balls!?"

"It was either Jersey Girl or a
vat of acid. I stand by my decision."

"Take me!"

Anyway, back to our subject.

Ever since I've gotten the DVR I don't see much commercial action while watching television. Combine that with the fact that I generally use the internet for nothing more than my blogs, sports, poker, and finding nipple slip pics of Lindsey Lohan and Co., and you can see why a lot of new movies and television shows slip by me unnoticed. (What is this "Iraq" anyway?)

So I'm watching something I recorded while at work, and fast forwarding through the commercials when something catches my eye.

Oh my
GOD. It can't be.

I recoil in my chair in horror.

It's a trailer for
Clerks 2.

I remember having heard something about a sequel being made for this movie a while ago, but never put much stock into figuring it was just nothing more than your typical internet rumor bullshit.

Now I absolutely loved the original Clerks. It's one of my favorite movies of all time. I mean how can you not love a movie that includes the line:

"Try not to suck any dick on the way through the parking lot!"

Or such a beautiful song as Berzerker?

"My love for you is like a truck, BERZERKER! Would you like some making fuck, BERZERKER!"

Hell, seeing as I've spent all my working life in retail, serving the public, the movie was just perfect for me.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

It is this love for the original Clerks that causes my absolute terror at the prospect of the sequel. It can only be worse. I would say disappointment, but I expect it to be horrible, so I can only be pleasantly surprised-which I won't be.

Why in the hell does this movie have to be made? Now I know that Hollywood isn't exactly new to the concept of pushing out shitty sequels just cuz they know they'll make money whether they're any good or not. It's just I thought Kevin Smith was better than that. (Edit:Now here is a sequel that HAD to be made.)

I mean I can forgive him for making a bad movie if it's just that, a bad movie, but this pisses me off.

See, even though I know it's going to be horrible, I HAVE to see it. I don't want to, I have to. It's like all those people that went to see Godfather 3. Everybody knew before they went in that they were gonna leave unhappy, but they had to see it.

I know that it'll be good for a few laughs, Smith is too good with dialogue to not make you laugh at least a few times, but there will be more pain. The truth is unless Rosario Dawson gets naked, this movie will do nothing to enhance the quality of anybody seeing it's life.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

All it will do is take away 90 minutes and $10 that I'll never be able to get back.

$10 I could have spent on beer. Beer I'll need after seeing Clerks 2 to drown away the pain.


Lost in all the fervor of Clerks 2 coming out on Friday, is the fact that World War III may have just started this week.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Let's look at the chain of events.

  • Members of Hezbollah notice Israelis are Jewish.
  • Hezbollah and Israel start trading missile shaped greeting cards.
  • Israel says that Iran is backing Hezbollah.
  • George Bush hears that Iran is being bad and finally has a reason to invade them.
  • George Bush and America says that Hezbollah and Iran have to stop being such "total douchebags."
  • Rest of World says while that's true, Israel could tone it down a bit too.
  • Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton organize protest citing they are angry that "no African countries are involved in this war."
  • George Bush gets England to back US forces in Middle East by pulling out the "If not for us you'd be speaking German" card. Tony Blair counters with "Nuh uh! You'd be speaking German!" First time in history Bush comes out of diplomatic meeting labeled as "the smart one."
  • Ann Coulter blames Ghandi for spearheading Fundamentalist Islam, calling him "that evil dothead."
  • Al Gore blames Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for accelerating global warming.
  • Dick Cheney shoots his milkman in the face and claims it self defense. "He brought whole milk!! I need skim!! My heart condition!"
  • Kim Jong Il gives his support to Iran.
  • US declares war on North Korea.
  • China sits and waits.
  • Japan develops computer simulation of how war will most likey proceed, complete with a karaoke voice over. "Fun fol ho famiree!!"
  • Pakistan gives it's support to Iran.
  • US declares war on Pakistan.
  • UN organizes some aid and party favors, accidentally drops care packages in Norway.
  • The price of gas goes up to $4 a gallon.
  • Rocky VI-Balboa vs. The Karate Kid is released, temporarily quelling the anxiety of American citizens.
  • Finally, after biding their time until the most opportune moment, China gives the US and Israel its support. When asked why they took so long, Hu Jintao says "You all right! I learned it by watching you!"
  • Nuclear weapons are used by both sides to end the war.
  • George Bush does his happy dance as he waits for Jesus Christ to pick him up and take him "home."
  • Everybody else dies.

To be completely serious, all of this does scare me. For some reason I don't see this as just another in a long line of skirmishes in the Middle East. There's too much volatility in the world right now, and I get the feeling that the pot is about to boil over.

I mean I actually got into a discussion about this stuff with my mother of all people the other night. I NEVER talk to my mom about this kind of stuff, it was absolutely surreal. She asked me what I would do should WWIII start and I get drafted. After I explained to her that it wouldn't happen she asked,

"But what if it did?"

"Well I hear Canada has nice weather right about now."

She asked me why I wouldn't fight for my country, and I then had to explain to her that no American soldier has fought for this country since the Civil War. The rest of our soldiers have fought to preserve America's interests, nothing else.

Nazi's running Europe? Bad for business.

Communism taking over? Bad for business.

No control of Middle Eastern oil reserves? Bad for business.

Israel getting bombed? Bad for business.

Now in truth, I generally don't know much about world politics. I have a passing knowledge, but most of what I've learned is through the Daily Show or The Colbert Report. Still, even I'm not too blind to see all the pieces falling into place right now, and I am scared.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,


Sunday, July 16, 2006

More Bitching and Moaning

Well the table closed after I busted, so I'm now realizing I have no HH to prove it. I guess you'll just have to trust me.

I'm in the $200 WSOP Main Event qualifier on Full Tilt getting more and more shortstacked by the minute. Now all night I've been playing my strong hands aggressively while calling with connectors and all that stuff. So I wake up in the BB (Blinds are 50/100, I have like 1450) with KK. The button makes a min raise, and I decide to switch it up and merely call.

Flop comes KAA.

I get that tingly sensation, and check. The button checks.

Turn comes a harmless 7 of hearts, putting a flush draw out there.

I bet 200 into the 450 pot, and the button calls.

River comes a 5 of hearts, completing the flush draw. I bet out 300 into the 850 pot. The button goes in the tank for the full 30 seconds.

He then goes all in.

It was at this point where it all started coming together.

...the min raise on the button????

The check on the flop?????

The call on the turn???????

Oh you have to be fucking kidding me.

I call even though at this point I feel I'm 50/50, and maybe this guy has AQ or 2 hearts...just please don't have...

The button shows AA.


A Request to You, My Readers

As much as I enjoy writing this blog, for myself and you, there is one aspect of it that really does bother me.

None of you leave comments.

I don't know why you don't, but you don't. Now I know you're reading this blog, I can see that through my SiteTracker. For some reason though you won't say anything!

It's nice to know people read this, but it'd be nicer to know what you thought of it. When nobody comments it makes Tom sad. Nobody likes when Tom is sad do they? Tom isn't fun to be around when he's sad.

So far I have a few "regular" commentors.

What do these four have in common? They're women. That's cool, I can dig that. I like the ladies. I also appreciate every single damn word they say, even when it's not nice. (Though that's seldom the case.)

But what's up fellas? Where you at? Balance out the estrogen for Christ's sake. Hrrrrrrrbek is man enough to comment occasionally, but the rest of you aren't.

Do you think that since you have a penis, commenting is beneath you? (No Billy, you don't need to pull it out to prove it.)

Well I know most of you, and as a result I know for a fact a lot of you aren't using your penis all that much right now. So why not type a comment with it? Get that lil guy some exercise. He'll show his appreciation for it later.

Some of you have told me you don't comment cuz if you have anything to say you can just tell me in person. Really? Is that what you want? You want to talk about my blog while we're out drinking at the bar?

"Hey Sil, check out the blonde over there in the corner."

"Ya she's aight. Hey, that Sugar Chronicles shit was hilarious!"

Makes you shudder doesn't it?

A few weeks ago I was at K-Dogg's birthday party, and caught myself talking about this damn blog with Laura and Erin. It wasn't due to either saying "I enjoy your blog." or something like that either. I did it of my own accord, and initiated it. I stopped myself as soon as I noticed it and went for more beer. I can't talk about my blog while swallowing beer.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

So please, do me this small favor. Leave comments. Restore the lost art of conversation to Keepin It Real Since 1980.

I'm begging you.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Keepin It Real Since 1980,


Saturday, July 15, 2006

Visitor of the Week

Don't expect this to become a regular thing, it's just I had to share this with you.

I don't know who this reader is, but I do know where he's from and how he came upon my humble little blog.

He's from Gays, Illinois. If the name of the town in which this visitor dwells isn't enough to deserve being mentioned here, well then this is.

Here's how he found me.

I feel bad for disappointing him, so here are some gratuitous shots of semi nude women-Non Hairy Division.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,


Friday, July 14, 2006

Keepin It Real Music Collection-System of a Down

Where as on Fridays for some time now I have been doing the Friday Random Ten on my iPod, I find the whole idea to be getting kind of stale. Yes, it shows you some of the songs on my iPod, but it doesn't really tell you anything about the music does it?

Ok, so we see that the fourth song played was Paranoid Android by Radiohead, but why do I have that on my iPod? Is it one of only a few Radiohead songs? Do I have the entire album? All of Radiohead's albums? Do I like the song? Etc. (Don't lie to yourselves, you all know this is information you must have about me to feel complete)

So what I'm about to do here, essentially, is to kill two birds with one stone.

  1. I can continue to share with you information about music that I listen too, but also delve deeper into what I think of it. And....
  2. Whenever I have absolutely nothing to write about I can type up another quick Discography, and voila! Blog entry.

So here is how I'm going to do it. I will take one band at a time, and then write a little review about each of their albums in chronological order. Now I'm not a music critic so my reviews aren't going to be the typical bullshit you usually get from these things. I won't discuss the deeper musical tones and chord progressions cuz frankly I don't know enough about any of that shit to sound even remotely competent. On top of all that, generally who gives a fuck about that shit? Only other music critics who probably masturbate to it.

Instead I'll just give my own personal thoughts, and maybe some insights into what specific songs meant to me at the time of their release. Like the album that I used to get over a girlfriend and a nasty breakup. That kind of stuff. Music on a more personal level.

So deciding the first band I would do this for was pretty simple. System of a Down has climbed the ranks of my music collection to the top where they keep a firm grip on "My Favorite Band" status. One need not look past my iTunes to realize this, as 13 of the Top 25 Played Songs in my library are System of a Down songs.

So let's begin.

System of a Down-System of a Down Released June 30th, 1998

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

I first heard about System of a Down in a chatroom way back in the day on AOL. I didn't have a computer in my house at the time, so I was at the Eighth Grader's house. (The Eighth Grader being Mike Partipilo. Member of the Keepin It Real Shit List.) These were back in my metal days, when I didn't listen to much else. I was pissed off at the world, for what I don't know, I think cuz I was s'posed to be. Anyway I was in a chatroom and some kid brought up a band I had never heard of called System of a Down. He said he had just seen them play in Philadelphia and that they were just awesome. He went on and on for like 2 hours talking about them. So one day about a year later I was in a Best Buy, and I happened upon System of a Down. Remembering them immediately from the previous chatroom conversation, and noticing a little yellow sticker that sported a price of $6.99 there was absolutely no way in hell I could pass this up. So I bought it and quickly headed home to listen to it. From the very first track, Suite-Pee, in which vocalist Serj Tankian went from a high pitched falsetto to a bass heavy bark repeatedly, I knew I was in for a wild ride. System of a Down had done something that not many bands had done before them, nor have since. They had a sound that was unlike anything I had ever heard before. I couldn't call it metal, I couldn't call it punk, I couldn't call it anything. I remember describing it to Silvio, and leaving him absolutely clueless cuz I didn't know what to say. All I could do was play it for him. The entire album is completely schizophrenic, but in a way that makes absolute sense. Plus, unlike the majority of bands I was listening to at the time, the songs were of a political tone, not just pointless anger. System of a Down actually changed me in a way that helped me get from the stupid angry teenager, to the somewhat smarter, more sophisticated idiot that sits here before you today. It made me think about things, and I think that's what good music does, it changes you forever.

Three Favorite Tracks

  1. Sugar
  2. Spiders
  3. Peephole

System of a Down-Toxicity Released September 4th, 2001

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

It's a good thing I liked SOAD's first album, cuz they took over three god damn years to come out with a second one. This was mostly due to the fact it took a while for System of a Down to take off cuz it was so weird. Finally the single, Sugar, took off and then SOAD went touring for a long time to support the album. Finally the band released the first single from their second album, Chop Suey!, and I knew the wait was worth it. I still can't make sense of what the hell the verse is supposed to mean, but I think that's the point.

Wake up!/Grab a brush and put on a lil makeup/Hide the scars that fade away the shake up/Why'd you leave the keys upon the table?/Here you go create another fable-You wanted to!

Though Toxicity isn't as eccentric as the band's first effort, it was more poignant and polished. The lyrics were more to the point and the politics of the band were apparent from the first track, Prison Song; in which the band argues for changes in America's drug policy all while reciting facts about the numbers of Americans in prison and includes the repeated line-They're trying to build a prison!- For you and me. The album's main subject though is the band's home city of LA. It is the Toxic City in which the album is named for. Songs on this album range from every topic from tapeworm removal (Needles), and the Armenian genocide (X), to science's effect on the Earth (Science), and insane coke addled groupies (Psycho). This album would stand up as my favorite SOAD album for 4 years.

Three Favorite Tracks

  1. Chop Suey!
  2. Forest
  3. Deer Dance

System of a Down-Steal This Album! Released November 26th, 2002

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

This album was really nothing more than a collection of songs the band recorded during the Toxicity sessions, and just didn't make the album. In fact I had heard about half this album cuz the tracks were included on the bootleg version of Toxicity Kevin had burned me before it's actual release. Considering the fact that all these songs are essentially B-sides, it's a very strong effort. There really isn't a terrible song in the bunch, but at the same time there is no huge standout. The album was released a year after 9/11 (Notice Toxicity came out exactly a week BEFORE 9/11) and included new songs (Boom!) that centered around the US being in Afghanistan, and the impending war with Iraq. It proved once again, that SOAD is not afraid to voice their opinion, no matter how far left or right it may be.

Three Favorite Tracks

  1. I-E-A-I-A-I-O
  2. Mr. Jack
  3. Highway Song

System of a Down-Mezmerize Released May 17th, 2005

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Again SOAD tortured me with a 2.5 year wait until the release of a new album. This one was to be a double album, with each disc released 6 months apart. The first one, Mezmerize, absolutely blew me away. I had started to get to that point that I think every music fan get's to at some point when they love a band. Wondering, "Is this the album that they start to suck?" It generally happens to every band at some point, and only a few come back from Suckdom. Of course once I heard the first single, B.Y.O.B. (Bring Your Own Bombs), I knew this album wouldnt be it. Featuring a chorus of

Everybody's going to the party/Have a real good time/Dancing in the desert/Blowing up the sunshine

And then everybody's favorite questions,

Why do they always send the poor?/Why don't Presidents fight the wars?

It was quite apparent that the band hadn't lost it's zeal for politics and peace advocate nature. Listening to the entire album though, there isn't even a song on it in my opinion that ranks below Awesome. You know, like when a band puts out a great album, but there's always that one song on it that you just don't like and skip over? Well this album doesn't have that song. In fact doing the Top 3 for this album will be incredibly hard for me, as I love every single fucking song on it. Revenga, Cigaro, Radio/Video, This Cocaine Makes Me Feel Like I'm On This Song(BTW, that's up for greatest song title of all time),Violent Pornography, Question!, Sad Statue, Old School Hollywood, Lost in Hollywood, they're all fucking great. If I were to be stranded on a desert island, and could only choose 5 albums to bring with me for all eternity, Mezmerize would be on that island with me.

Three Favorite Tracks (Only cuz I have to)

  1. B.Y.O.B.
  2. Question!
  3. Violent Pornography (How can a song that includes the chorus, It's a violent pornography/Choking chicks and sodomy/The kinda shit/You get on your TV not be good?)

System of a Down-Hypnotize Released November 22nd, 2005

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Remember the question from the last album? Is this the one where the band starts to suck? Well with Hypnotize, System of a Down get dangerously close. Where as there are enough good songs on here to salvage it, it just feels like Steal This Album! should have felt. Instead of a B-Side album coming across as a full blown studio effort, the studio effort came across as the B-side album. When you listen to it there really isn't a song strong enough to be a single. I don't hate this album by any means, but of all five System albums, this is by far my least favorite.

Three Favorite Tracks

  1. Lonely Day
  2. Attack
  3. U-Fig

System of a Down is:

  • Serj Tankian-vocals
  • Daron Malakian-vocals, guitar
  • Shavo Odadjian-bass
  • John Dolmayan-drums

Friday Random Ten-7/13/06

  1. WP-Matisyahu
  2. Aenima-Tool
  3. Boy Named Sue-Johnny Cash
  4. Down-311
  5. Hey Jealousy-Gin Blossoms
  6. Delorian-Team Sleep
  7. ATWA-System of a Down
  8. Claustrophobia-Serart
  9. 19-2000-Gorillaz
  10. Bleed American-Jimmy Eat World

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Parenting 101

Reason #13,294 Why People Should Have To Apply To Be Parents

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

In case you can't see it, check the back seat.

I'm not as upset at the fact Europe thinks we're assholes anymore. Seriously what the fuck is the thought process behind that?

"Don't worry son, mommy lost her keys in there and I gotta fish em out."

This is also Reason #11,649 Why I should be allowed to walk around with a loaded shotgun at all times.

Keepin It Real (Fucking Disgusted) Since 1980,

Edit:The best reason I should be allowed to walk around with a shotgun at all times is easily Reason #3. Cuz I would look really fucking cool.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Saturday Was a Long Day

It started at 6:30AM.

Waking up from my 3.5 hour slumber, I'd barely wiped the crust out of my eyes before Billy was calling me to let me know he was downstairs waiting. We were going paintballing to start off Tony's (Billy's brother) Bachelor Party festivities.

After the group met up at Dave, Tim, and Billy Marco's apartment (Over Brixie's) we were off to Realms of Ruin to shoot at each other. It was an hour drive, and I was cramped into the back seat of Billy's Nissan. Finally after driving through all these country backroads, and through some corn fields we were finally at our destination.

So we started playing at about 9AM. It was my first time ever going paint balling. I was supposed to have gone once a long time ago, but there were circumstances that caused me to miss it. (Those circumstances being me drinking an entire fifth of Jagermeister in just over a minute the night before at Mike Patterson's going away party. When I was awoken on Patterson's front room couch at 6:30AM that morning after being mistaken for dead, it was decided that I should probably just be dropped off at home instead of going on the trip.) So I was pretty excited.

Then I got shot in the neck.

Now luckily for me the shot just grazed my neck, and the paintball never exploded. Of course it hurts a lot worse to get hit by a paint ball that doesn't explode, than one that does. Some science mumbo-jumbo about force being displaced. Anyway I don't want to possibly make any of you smarter, so I won't get into it. You're here for stupid stories, not to learn anything.

I found out that I may just be Paintball proof. Very rarely did the paintball explode upon contact with my supple body. My first theory was that the guns just weren't strong enough, but they all seemed to explode just fine on everybody else.

This was great for me in that I could get shot a few times, and not have to go out since there was no evidence. As long as I didn't yell out in pain, nobody would know. The downside of course still being that it hurts like a bitch when they don't explode.

The worst shot I took was on my elbow. I wasn't smart enough to wear a long sleeve shirt, and therefore my forearms were left exposed. So the combination of a paint ball hitting me right on the elbow, and bare skin hurt like all absolute hell. My right arm felt like a tuning fork for about a minute. It was the only time I got shot and yelled out in pain. (Something I noticed everybody else did constantly. Pussies.)

There was one game we played in which I have no idea how Tim and I survived. Before the game as we were planning our "strategy" Tim and I noticed a bunker up on a little hill by the creek. We both decided that's where we would head, while the other members of our team went to the other side. Hopefully the other team would be stupid enough to go up the middle.

Well after trudging along ankle deep in the muddy banks along the creek (I felt like the creek was trying to eat me) we then crawled on our bellies to our bunker. When we got there we weren't too happy. From our original vantage point it looked larger, but upon closer inspection it was pretty tiny and didn't provide that much cover at all.

To make things worse my mask and glasses had fogged up from the humidity so bad that I couldn't see shit. Tim was 2 feet away from me, and I could barely make out his silhouette.

Of course the other team basically came upon the two of us, and only us, ignoring the rest of our team firing blindly across the field at them. (Nobody ever came to help us!!) So Tim decided that since I was blind, I should stay put while he went back down the hill towards the creek. While he was there and I was pinned to the ground by paint balls flying directly over head, I heard someone creeping through the bush getting closer. I let Tim know, and proceeded to lure them out. Every once in a while I would stick my head up and fire off a round in the general direction of the noise. My only purpose in this was to get them to come out, cuz Tim and I couldn't see them. (Hell, I couldn't see anything) After sticking my head up and quickly ducking 7 times, our prey finally emerged.

Billy Marco leapt out of the bushes with me in his sights, about 20 feet away. He had no idea what hit him when Timmy popped up from his left and unloaded into him. I shot him once in the chest, while Timmy shot him in the face, heart, and finally the throat.

"I was dead after the first one ya know!"

Then somehow, even though we were pinned in and under fire from 4 people, Tim and I survived the game and our team won.

The best game of all though was President. President is a game created just for bachelor parties by the park. In it the bachelor is the President. He has to pick any two people to be his bodyguards. The President then heads to one end of a very large field, body guards in tow. The mission is for the President to cross the field and capture the flag without being shot. Now everybody else are the ones trying to kill him.

There are a few catches though.
  • The body guards can never stray more than 10 feet from the President.
  • The body guards are immortal. No matter how many times they are shot, they must continue to protect the President.
  • The President is not allowed to carry a gun.

Tony chose Billy and Tim to be his bodyguards. As for the rest of us, our strategy was clear.

"Don't kill Tony. Just shoot Bill and Tim as much as fucking possible. Use all your paint."

That is exactly what we did.

The best part was when Bill decided it was smart to just come walking down a hill, completely exposed and coverless. The first shot that hit him was about an inch or two to the right of his balls.

Bill took that as a sign to turn around and run like hell. As Billy ran he was completely lit up by all of us. He's not sure how many times he was hit, just that it hurt.

Personally, I ran out of ammo I shot Billy in the back so many times.

Finally after a few more minutes Tony reached the flag pole, and the game was over.

After that it was back to the car for the drive home, and to clean up before the evening's festivities.

The rest of the party was back at Brixie's while we also kept a keg upstairs. Things happened at the bachelor party that shall stay there. I do have some pictures and video I can share with you all that aren't too incriminating though.

Tony after the entertainment left

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Yes that is the elastic to his boxers on his head.

Tony and I

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Since he was the bachelor, it was decided Tony should have to play with Tim on his back.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Tony taking a shot

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Tony savoring that shot

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Tony feeling that shot

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Finally, here is some video shot by Dave on my digital camera of Billy, Tony and I taking down some Irish Car Bombs.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,


Friday, July 07, 2006

Sugar Chronicles-The Complete Archive

This archive can be found at anytime through a link on the side of the page. Through it you can access every chapter written in the Sugar Chronicles.

Sugar Chronicles-Chapter Two

It’s not easy to be a single mother in America these days. Especially when you have no formal education, and no alimony checks coming from a dead father. This was the life that faced Olive Oyl.

As she sat in front of the dressing room mirror preparing for her next routine at Big Floppy’s Olive cried, as was her custom.

"Why Popeye? Why?"

Her former lover, Popeye, had died three years earlier from brain cancer. The cancer was believed to have been caused by Popeye’s years and years of steroid abuse.

That wasn’t spinach in those cans.

Left alone with their daughter, Sweet Pea, Olive quickly fell into the big hairy arms of Bluto. The relationship lasted for only 9 months as Olive Oyl tired of the physical abuse. It seemed Bluto missed fighting with Popeye, and decided to take it out on Olive. After running away one afternoon and filing a Restraining Order, Olive found herself at a crossroads.

She had no job, no education, and no prospects. Just a hungry baby who missed her daddy. Then one day while eating at a local Cartoon Soup Kitchen she met Big Floppy. Big Floppy was a large, human, man that liked to hang out at the soup kitchen looking for potential dancers for his club. Even though Cartoons weren’t easily accepted into human culture and society, there were many men with a fetish for finally getting to see the women they grew up watching naked. Jessica Rabbit worked at Floppy’s place for years, and to this day was the most popular dancer in the clubs history. She eventually left to start her own place, a strip club/brothel in Amsterdam she called Bunny Rears.

Big Floppy could see in Olive’s body language that she was desperate, and he swooped in like a hawk. After a few minutes of small talk he asked her how she felt about possibly working at his club.

"Strip?! Are you kidding me? No thanks Mr. Floppy, I’m not gonna let my baby have a stripper for a mother."

"Well what else are you going to do? You gonna eat in shitty little soup kitchens for the rest of your life? Is that how you want your baby to live?"

Olive shot Big an icy stare.

"All right Olive, listen. There’s good money in dancing. You wouldn’t believe how many men there are in this city who willingly hand over their paychecks just to see some titty shaken in their face. Don’t you want some of that money?"

"I’m not a cheap whore Mr. Floppy. I am a good mother and I will not resort to such awful means."

"So a good mother lets her child starve? Just come to the club one time, if you don’t like it, leave and I’ll never bother you again. I’m offering you an oppertunity to better your life. Nobody is saying you’ll have to strip for the rest of your life, but it would be a very good way to keep that little girl there fed, and keep a roof over her head until something did come along."

A week and a half later, on a Wednesday night, Olive Oyl walked into Big Floppy’s. On her first night alone she made $250. Surprisingly she found herself enjoying all the attention that the men gave her while she danced, and the money they stuffed down her g-string didn’t hurt either.

Olive Oyl was hooked.

Now here she was, a year later and the gloss had started to wear off of the stripper life. Crying in front of her mirror had become routine. She never imagined that she would still be here a year later, but she hadn’t been able to find a job outside of Big Floppy’s that could pay her as well. Sweet Pea was enrolled in an expensive private school cuz Olive wanted to make sure her child got the education she never had.

"Ok Olive. Time to fake it." she muttered to herself.

"Olive," yelled Big Floppy from around the corner, "C’mon sweetheart, smile and get ready to shake those titties. You’re on."

She slowly stood up and walked towards the stage. As she rounded the corner she could hear her music starting, and was blinded by the stage lights now shining onto her.


Sitting in the back corner of Big Floppy’s, Toucan Sam and KAM drank from their beer bottles.

"Christ KAM. What a fucking day huh?"

KAM just nodded.

"I’m having a hard time figuring this one out. Looking at the stab wounds it seems as though a child, or a midget killed that women. How? There had to be more than one right?"

"Oh yeah."

"This is a big one kiddo. This could be the case that puts us on the map for good. We cannot fuck this one up."

"Oh yeah."

"You ever wish you could say something besides ‘Oh yeah’?"

"OH yeah."

Sam smiled. "Hey I’m gonna go talk to Floppy and see if he has any ‘Sugar’ for sale."

With that Sam got up from the table and walked over to Floppy behind the bar. KAM focused his attention on the skinny women dangling from the pole. She had long been one of KAM’s favorite dancers, but due to his shy nature and embarrassment over his limited vocabulary, KAM never approached her. He never even got a lap dance, or tipped her. Instead he just watched from a distance.

There were a few unfamiliar faces in the club tonight, and KAM sensed they were a little unsavory. They had been yelling some unflattering things at the dancers all night, but KAM just let it slide. After all, he didn’t work there, and he had enough on his mind already.

One of the men got up from his seat and walked to the stage where Olive was dancing, with his cheeseburger in hand.

"Hey honey!! I got something better than money for you. Why don’t you eat this cheeseburger? Get some meat on those bones!"

Olive just smiled and went on with her routine.

The man then grabbed Olive’s leg, "C’mon baby, take the burger. I mean I’ve fucked fingers fatter than you!!"

"Let go of me asshole!"

It was then that KAM instinctively leapt from his chair and made a beeline towards Olive’s assailant. Without warning KAM grabbed the man from the back of his neck and flung him clear across the club, a good 15 feet, into an empty table. KAM then went towards the guy and pounced on him.

Head butt after head butt after head butt until the man was unconscious. His friends had now gotten up to attack KAM.

Toucan Sam was in Floppy’s office snorting a few lines of his newly purchased "sugar" when he and Floppy heard the commotion outside.

"Oh now what the fuck is going on out there?!" asked Floppy.

"We better go find out."

When they reached the floor they saw KAM on top of the man pounding away.

"Get off him you overgrown punch bowl!!!" yelled Floppy.

"I got it Big." responded Sam.

Sam flew over just as the man’s posse was reaching KAM and pulled out his badge.

"I don’t think you fellas are gonna want to do that," said Sam dryly "I have a gun on my hip, and for some reason I’m feeling a bit jumpy. Don’t make me do something stupid."

The men backed down as Floppy’s bouncers picked up the unconscious man on the floor and escorted his friends out the door.

"Kool-Aid Man! Sam!! My office. NOW!" yelled Big Floppy."

The two officers walked into Floppy’s office as he slammed the door behind the three of them.

"You two motherfuckers better stop pulling this shit in my club. I’m tired of having to clean up after you assholes all the time. It seems like everytime you guys show up you cost me money. One more incident like this and you’re both banned from my establishment."

"Oh really?" asked Sam, "Well if that were to happen I may just have to let the Chief know about some of the things that go on here. The drug dealing, the prostitution, fuck, the health code violations alone would be enough to get you shut down."

"You’re not exactly innocen....."

Sam’s cell phone rang.

"Well Floppy, we’re gonna have to finish this conversation some other time. C’mon KAM. We got another body."

With that the two Cartoon cops headed out of Big Floppy’s, not sure just what they were about to find.

10 Songs In a Random Order On a Friday

  1. When the Curious Girl Realizes She is Under Glass-Bright Eyes
  2. This Is Such A Pity-Weezer
  3. Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap-AC/DC
  4. Misunderstood-Wilco
  5. Witch-Cold
  6. Touch Me-The Doors
  7. When Worlds Collide-Powerman 5000
  8. Benkei-Boy Hits Car
  9. Pink Maggit-Deftones
  10. Up Around the Bend-Creedence Clearwater Revival


As far as what's on tap for this weekend, I'm not entirely too sure what I'm doing tonight. The White Sox are playing the Red Sox, so you can pry bet that will be part of my plans.

Tomorrow I'm going paintballing with BillyB as part of his brother Tony's Bachelor Party festivities. Unfortunately we will not be playing against a team of strippers.

I'm ok with that though because I'm just excited to FINALLY be able to use something I learned during my days at Proviso West High School in the real world.

Shooting a gun at another human being.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,


A.J. Wins!

The results of MLB's Final Vote competition were released yesterday, and White Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski was announced as the winner in the American League. Minnesota Twin pitcher Francisco Liriano finished a close second in what MLB said was the closest final vote in the 5 year history of the contest. Nomar Garciaparra won the National League vote.

It's the second year in a row that White Sox fans have voted in their player over a couple other "more deserving" players, and I'm proud of every single one of you who helped make it happen. Since Yankee and Red Sox fans always seem to stuff the starting lineups with their guys, it's nice that we were still able to get our teams seventh member to the game this year. Hopefully somebody pulls up lame in the next few days, and Ozzie brings our eighth, Joe Crede.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to vote over the last few days, proving once again that NOBODY stuffs a ballot box like we do here in Chicago.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Dammit People!

Pick up the pace!! No, I'm not talking picante. (New York City!?)


Early numbers have been released, and as of now AJ trails Minnesota Twin Francisco Liriano. Sure Liriano is 9-1 with a 1.99 ERA, but he sucks. Plus we know that he can't take a right hook like AJ can. Liriano isn't batting .329 either, but AJ is.

I'll bet you'll never guess which areas of the country AJ is getting killed in.

  • North Side of Chicago-Like those people know what All Star baseball players look like. Listen Cub fans, get over it. You should appreciate the fact that AJ probably drove the final nails into Dusty Baker's coffin over the weekend. Show him some fucking gratitude. And remember, you're Chicagoans. Vote early and vote often.
  • Minnesota-See Liriano. Though AJ was a beloved member of the Minnesota Twins for many years, so he's pry getting some votes.
  • Houston-Can't imagine why Astros fans wouldn't like AJ. Oh yeah, World Series.
  • San Francisco-AJ had a bad season in San Francisco. Plus he isn't into dudes.
  • Anaheim/Orange County-Ya cuz AJ stealing first base was the reason you lost that series. Not because you couldn't get a hit to save your lives.

Voting is until 6PM eastern standard time tomorrow, July 6th.

Vote god dammit!!!

Keepin It Real Since 1980,


Tom Vs. Sir Paul

While the rest of you were no doubt enjoying your Independence Day with friends and family, stuffing your American faces, drinking your American beer, and blowing off your American fingers, I was fighting for my life.
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

I was at work and in the backroom when I was attacked.

I was reading the D.M.O. (Daily Modus Operandi-A list of shit that needs to get done for the day) when I felt something land on my face. I paid no attention to it, but as I turned I happened to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. (As to why there is a little mirror in receiving....I have no idea. My best guess is John puts on his makeup back there.)

It was then that I saw it. A giant beetle (Let's just call him Paul McCartney) was trying to eat my face!

I'm not sure exactly what kind of beetle Paul was, but judging by his size and color, I'm gonna go with Volkswagen.
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Well I couldn't just let Paul eat my face, so I tried to swat him off of me but he wouldn't budge. So I started throwing wild haymakers at him, some connecting with Paul's back, some with my own face. Finally I was able to knock Paul off of my face and onto the floor.

It was at that point that Paul pulled out a knife and beckoned me to come after him.
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Seeing as how he had stolen my favorite pen in the process of our struggles, I didn't see how I had any options.

I let out my fiercest warrior scream and lunged after him. Now obviously I was at a bit of a disadvantage; I only have two arms in which to attack, while Paul had 4 available appendages. On top of that Paul had his hard outer shell, while my outer shell is only symbolic and protects me from nothing but feelings and emotions.

That wasn't enough for Paul though, he still felt the need to fight dirty. He went for my junk at least 32 times, connecting at about a 50% rate. All while I had to dodge his repeated attempts to stab me in the face. Now I would have returned the jewel shots in kind if I could have, but there was just one problem.

Where in the hell does a beetle keep it's junk? I sure as hell couldn't see it. ( I was looking too. I wanted to see if all those rumors I heard about Beetle dong were true.)

Finally after about 15 minutes I wrestled Paul to the ground where we continually rolled over one another. I was ultimately able to wrestle the knife from Pauls hands. Gaining control of it I held it to his throat while our faces were seperated by mere centimeters. (Paul's breath smelled of a sweet mixture of lilacs and human blood.)

Paul then begged for mercy, "Please don't kill me!! I have millions of children to feed!!"

It was at that point I made the mistake of letting my guard down a little, like when your favorite villain takes the time to explain to his captured hero his plans for world domination.

It was just what Paul wanted me to do.

He delivered a knee (or whatever the hell it is Beetle's have) directly to my groin and threw me off of him with his six legs.

"You fool!," Paul yelled, "I'm a beetle! I don't take care of my children." He then took off and burst through the brick wall of the back room like the Kool-Aid man, with my pen in tow.
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

I don't know when, nor where, but I vow to you my readers that I shall find Paul and have my vengeance!!!!! I will get my pen back, even if it's the last god damn thing I do.

Oh, and I'll wear a cup too.
Keepin It Real Since 1980,