Wednesday, January 25, 2006

The Sugar Chronicles-Chapter One

(This is the first chapter of many in this story. I'm going to post it one chapter at a time. As for when chapter 2 will be posted, I don't know. I'm not finished writing it yet.)

It was a rainy day and Lt. Grubstein was tired. This homicide he was now investigating was just the perfect end to his perfect day. As his fellow officers surveyed the scene around him taking photos and being careful not to touch anything Grubstein was baffled by the scene.

The victim had been stabbed repeatedly with something. The wounds didn't appear to be from a knife. The other observation that startled Grubstein was the location of the stab wounds. None were made above the victim's waist. She'd been stabbed to death over 35 times in the legs.

"It's like a child did this." said officer Ericson.

"I was thinking the same thing," replied Grubstein, "but how? How could a small child stab an adult 35 times? It doesn't make sense."

"I never said it made sense sir. I just said it seems that way," answered Ericson. "Do you really think a kid did this?"

"I don't know what to think anymore Ericson. I've been doing this job for 30 years, and I've seen shit that no man should have to see."

Then in the distance a rumbling could be heard. The entire home began to shake.

"Oh fuck." muttered Grubstein.

That's when the wall was blown open, spewing debris and dust everywhere.

"OH YEAH!!!" bellowed the large silhouette standing where the wall once was.

"God dammit Kool-Aid Man!! When will you fucking learn to use the door!?"

"Relax Grubstein," said the bird who flew in after Kool-Aid Man, "he's just excited to be on the beat. You know how these rookies get."

"Who in the hell told you about this murder? How did you find it?" demanded Grubstein.

"Why I just followed my nose." answered the bird, also known as Toucan Sam.

"Well don't fucking touch anything," ordered Grubstein, "Do you understand that fat ass?"


Toucan Sam and his partner, Kool-Aid Man, took a look around the scene to see what they could figure out. Their position on the force was seen as more of a nuisance by Grubstein and the other officers. Something about commercial cartoon characters working on human cases just didn't sit right with the human officers. There was a new Civil Rights movement taking place in America, but it was more on a government level than a personal one. Even though Toucan Sam had been on the force for over 10 years, and aided in solving numerous crimes, he was never really accepted.

Sam started off on the force as more of a police dog than an officer. His exceptional sense of smell was his strong suit. Over time working on cases he also developed the mental acumen it takes to solve a murder. With all the Cartoon Civil Rights legislature passed under George Bush in 2001 Sam was promoted to a position in the force historically reserved for humans. He earned numerous Awards of Merit from City Hall for all the cats he helped out of trees. (15 total, 7 of which ended up in the tree cuz they were chasing Sam.) In other words, despite the lack of respect he received, he was one of the best cops on the force.

Kool-Aid Man had only been an officer for 6 months. For the previous 10 years, since being forced into early retirement by the Kool-Aid company, Kool-Aid Man (KAM for short) worked many odd jobs. He lived in New York for many years in hopes of acting on Broadway. Unfortunately due to his limited vocabulary (All he can say is "Oh yeah") he was only offered a few bit parts in off-off Broadway productions. KAM then worked as a waiter, gas station attendant, porno fluffer, and at one point resorted to letting kids drink from his skull for a dollar a glass. Once his parent company, Kool-Aid, found out they threatened to sue so KAM stopped selling his blood on the street. He was never the type to break any kind of law, which ultimately led to his desire to enfore them.

It was a chance encounter at the local gentleman's club, Big Floppy's, that KAM would meet his future partner. The two hit it off right from the start while admiring the strippers.

"Do you see the ass on that one? I'd like to follow more than just my nose up there."

"Oh yeah!!"

Toucan Sam used what little pull he had at the station and got KAM a job once he passed all the required tests. KAM took to the job like somebody who's body was fueled by a sugar laden fluid. It was this enthusiasm that got KAM in trouble more often than not. The collateral damage caused by KAM's entrances was killing the force's bottom line. Because of this KAM was under immense pressure to solve a big case to prove his worth.

This case could be it. This could be the one that made KAM's career. Sam's too.

It was standing next to the corpse while it was being loaded on the gurney when that realization hit KAM like a ton of bricks. He was going to solve this case if it was the last thing he did on Earth.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,


Spaghetti McMeatball said...

Well, Tommasso, hat was a wonderful work of fiction that weaves gritty, hard-nosed crime dramatics with absurd, cooky, one-liner-ing cartoon spokespeople. Overall, I found the pairing of these two a bit derivative considering they both have made cameos on The Family Guy. KAM's cameo actually came when he broke through a courtroom wall and proclaimed to the heavens . . . . . . "OH YEAH!" Toucan Sam also made his acting debut in an audition waiting room, where Brian Griffin poked fun at the cartoony way in which Sam pronounced . . . "Follow Your Nose!" On the positive side, I think these two make an awesome crime fighting couple . . . Sam with the brains (in his nose) and KAM with the muscle (in his skull). I look forward to the next chapter in the epic crime drama surounding these fucking idiot cartoons.

- John Doe: Fucking Idiot Cartoon Haters Anonymous

Fornelli said...

I knew KAM was in Family Guy, but completely forgot about Sam when Brian goes to Hollywood. Damn. That kinda makes me want to scrap the whole thing.

Nah fuck it. I'll still keep doin it. I'll go places Family Guy should have gone.

Spaghetti McMeatball said...

Yes I did not mean to dissuade you from future literary endeavors. The places you go better be filled with some ass raping or I may lose interest. Like say, for example, that one day on the case KAM gets kidnapped for ransom. He is now being used as a bargaining chip by the killer, who butt pokes him while negotiating with police. They find KAM deserted and alone in a dilapidated Country Time Lemonade factory. His blood is now orange from the Lemonade enimas. Now the real investigation begins....where the hell is KAM's butthole? Toucan Sam, with his crazy sense of smell, decides to lead a crew of 3 doctors, 2 plastic surgeon, and 1 crisis counselor into 'the deep' where his sense of smell locates the required orifice. Family Guy ain't got shit on me!

Fornelli said...

That kinda story just writes itself.