Saturday, September 30, 2006

How to Write a Post Without Really Doing Anything

In one of my fantasy football leagues, the one in which I'm commissioneer, I write weekly recaps for the previous Sunday's games. It's the Full Tilt Forum Fantasy League.

My team is called Killed for Less, and though we may only be 1-2, we have the best logo in the league.

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Anyway, I figured why not post em here? It's still my writing, and it is a good way to fill up a post here once a week to keep you bastards off my back. So here you go.

Week 3 Recaps with Johnny Fosheezy

Well, going into week 3 we had 4 undefeated teams in the Full Tilt Forum Fantasy Football League (FTFFFL for semi-short). After all the dust cleared Monday night, we didn't have any. If the FTFFFL was a baseball division, it would be the NL Central. It's wide open, and anyone could win it, though nobody really deserves to. Let's get to the action.

Revenge (1-2) 64 Terror (0-3) 50

In a battle of two teams seeking their first win, the Revenge proved to suck less. Revenge WR Chris Henry must have seen some 15 year old girls making out in the end zone because he did everything in his power to get there a few times, scoring 15 points for the Revenge.

"Hi Johnny! It's nice to finally talk to you. Sorry about throwing all that furniture at you the last few weeks. I was just kinda frustrated. It's really nice to get that first win, but to be honest, we still didn't play that great. If we play that way every week, we won't win many games. Luckily we just played a really bad team."

Coach Rob Vandervate, class act.

Killed For Less (1-2) 56 Wookalars (2-1) 35

The second team to get their first win was Killed for Less, who were also the first team to beat the Wookalars. Earlier in the week KFL WR Roy Williams made the statement "Oh, we will win this game. We're so close to being 2-0 right now it's stupid. I mean seriously, we're the second highest scoring team in the league. Look it up bitches." Williams was able to back it up by scoring 15 points.

The real MVPs for KFL was K John Kasay (20), and Wookalars coach Bill Small, who benched QB Matt Hasselbeck for going to see a Carrie Underwood concert without him.

"You think you know a guy, and then you find out he went to see Carrie Underwood, your favorite singer of all time," said Bill Small, "He knows she's your favorite too, and he doesn't invite you. It hurts man. It hurts."

Said KFL coach Tom Fornelli, "It's odd. This was probably our worst effort of the season, yet we came away with a win. Maybe I'll just tell my QB and RB's to stop scoring, cuz we win when they don't. I'm happy to get the win finally, but we're still in last place. I do take solace in knowing that we're so close to 3-0 it's stupid."

Scranton Eagles (2-1) 86 Donkeypunchers (2-1) 41

Look up the term ass-kicking in Wikipedia, and there will most likely be a mention of this game, cuz that's what it was. A good old fashioned ass KICKING. The Eagles were led by Brian Westbrook who had a career day with 31 points, followed by Darrell Jackson who put up 14. Those two alone outscored the Punchers.

"We really missed Tomlinson," said Punchers coach Bill Belsan,"He's an important part of our team, and without him we struggle. Of course, I didn't think we'd lose by fucking 45. Can you believe that shit? We lost by more than we scored!! I'm not even sure I can be mad at the team for that, it's too fucking pathetic. Part of me wants to go in the locker room and start slamming skulls, and the other part of me wants to go in there and give em all a glass of Ovaltine, pat em on the heads and say 'Get em next time champ!!' I think I'm just gonna go in my office and drink some whiskey though. Whiskey would never lose by 45."

Pussies (2-1) 64 Shinebox (2-1) 51

There was a lot of talking through the media between these two teams this week. It was in last years championship game that the Pussies beat the Shinebox, and apparently there was still some bitterness left from that. Thanks to Carson Palmer (25) and Clinton Portis (19) the Pussies still PWN the Box.

"Listen, my team is pretty simple. When our Triumvirate of Terror (Palmer, Portis and Larry Johnson) play well, we win," said Pussies coach Lynn Anderson,"It's not rocket science. Now we were without Larry this week, so I had to think of something. So I sent Shinebox QB Peyton Manning (16) a note on Friday telling him that this was a playoff game. Bill Belicheck gave me the idea."

"I hate that bitch!!!!" was all Shinebox coach Kyle Brown had to say in his post game press conference. Literally, he just repeated it about 45 times before storming off the dais.

Italian Sausage (2-1) 65 Steelers (0-3) 53

The Steelers are still in search of that elusive first victory after being brought to their knees by the Sausage. "It seems we expect Donovan (17) to do everything for us. Everybody sits around and watches him. Until we get a team effort, we will continue losing." said Steelers coach Alfred Rosa.

Sausage Coach Silvio Rodia was less reserved, " My Sausage. Get it!? Your anus? My sausage? It's sexual innuendo!!!! I butt raped him!!!! Christ, I'm funny. Ya, we played well today. I have to give credit to Bulger (12) and Keyshawn (16). My only concern is that Key never shuts up in practice when he doesn't do shit. Who knows what he'll be like this week."

Finest (2-1) 64 Rejex (2-1) 61

"Considering we have no running game what-so-fucking-ever I have no idea how we're winning." is how Finest coach Brandon Sabala started his post game press conference. Well Brandon, if you keep getting performances like the ones you did from Javon Walker (24) and Torry Holt (13), you won't fucking need one.

Eli Manning (20) and Willie Parker (19) performed well for the Rejex, but it wasn't enough. The Rejex then were kicked while down after the game when they learned they'd be without former league MVP Shaun Alexander for a few weeks after he broke a bone in his foot.

"We're so fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucked." said Rejex coach Robert Smith

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Attention Ladies

When Tom says "Make me a damn sammich!" I suggest you make me a God damn sammich.

I'm incredibly accurate. Just ask her.

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Betta reckonize.
Keepin It Real Since 1980,

Friday, September 22, 2006

Can't Beat Fun at the Old Ballpark

Nice photo taken at a Nationals game last week at RFK Stadium.

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Here's hoping that since the White Sox won't win the World Series this year that US Cellular will revert to it's empty upper decks.

  1. Wind Up-Foo Fighters
  2. Hell is Chrome-Wilco
  3. Short Skirt, Long Jacket-Cake
  4. Rooster-Alice in Chains
  5. Devil in the Details-Bright Eyes
  6. Going to India-Boy Hits Car
  7. My Generation-The Who
  8. The Real Slim Shady-Eminem
  9. Cold Shot-Stevie Ray Vaughan
  10. Right Now-Fort Minor
  11. Burden in my Hand-Soundgarden
  12. Whole Lotta Love-Led Zeppelin
  13. Ring of Fire-Johnny Cash
  14. Friday I'm in Love-The Cure
  15. 7 Words-Deftones
  16. Camisado-Panic at the Disco
  17. A.D.I.D.A.S.-Korn
  18. Fall Away-The Fray
  19. Start Me Up-Rolling Stones
  20. Peace-Weezer

Keepin It Real Since 1980,


Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Tommy's Gone Big Time

Well, after writing for nearly a year on my sports blog, I finally accomplished one of my goals with it.

I got mentioned on Deadspin.

Do you know how many people read Deadspin?

Here's the final total for Foul Balls today. Well not really final, it's only 1130, so technically there' s still time. Either way I'm happy with it.

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Keepin It Real Since 1980,

Wedding Recap and other Observations

While at my cousin Keith's wedding on Saturday I was informed by my cousin Jenny that she had informed all of her friends of my blog here, and told them I was fucking hilarious. She then informed me that I better write something funny this week, or she'll look like a fool.

No pressure.

There was nothing incredibly hilarious about the wedding and the reception, save for Jenny's speech, to report on. So I'm pretty much screwed with getting any material from it. I can report that I did not sleep on my lawn Saturday night, so I guess I'm taking a step forward there. (Or backwards depending on your point of view.)

It was nice to see some family members that I get to see about once every seven years. Also I have to say that my cousin Kirks kids (Cameron and Emily), and my cousin Amy's kids (Owen and Elliot) whom I had never met before are so adorable it's painful.

As far as the ceremony went, I laughed everytime the priest tried to say my cousin Keith's name. He was of Carribean descent, and just couldn't pronounce the name Keith. When somebody asked me what I though of the ceremony I told them,

"It was a lovely ceremony. I'm sure Stephanie and Kate will be very happy together."

Also, there was this little Asian guy singing that had a voice as deep as Barry White's and it totally freaked me out.

While I was in the church though, a place it seems I'm only in for weddings and funerals, I got to thinking about a conversation I had with Panger the other day.

I can't remember the context of the entire conversation but at one point Panger told me that if I were God, I would be the Old Testament version. Mean and vengeful.

This set me off on a tangent about something that has always bothered me.

Why does everyone think that the New Testament God was so nice? Have they not read the New Testament?

He was just as big a dickhead in that one too.

I mean unless you consider having your son tortured and killed to be a sweet gesture. Me? I tend to see that as just kinda mean.

Jesus died for our sins because God was pissed at him for being so friendly and loving of us. It's true. I know.

I talk to God all the time.

We exchange text messages on everything ranging from Lindsay Lohan's cooter shots ("What a whore!") to last week's Grey's Anatomy. I once tried to watch that show and got through a good 2-3 minutes before I felt my testicles ascending up into my stomach.

The G-Man just can't seem to get enough of it though.

Anyway, Big G told me the story of Jesus always trying to convince him that humans were such wonderful people, and he should stop treating us so badly. God then told him he'd show him just how wonderful humans could be.

We all know how that turned out.

Back to those Lohan snapper shoots I touched on earlier, they've caused Lindsay to fall off of the pedestal I had put her on. I can understand if it happens once. The way photographers hound her looking for just such a photo, it was bound to happen. So when they got the first ones I was like "Ok. It happens. God that thing looks scary."

Then it happened again a few days later and there was no excuse for it. Here's a thought, if I'm photographed all the time, and one day I'm wearing my Laughland Family Kilt (I'm half Scottish if you didn't know) sans my Justice League underwear and a picture of my frank n beans gets leaked onto the internet, guess what!?

I'm going to make sure I wear my underwear everytime I make a public appearance. I don't need to give all the men of the world an inferiority complex by showing my stuff all over the place. It's just an unfair standard to try to live up to.

So as a result, I'm sorry Lindsay. It's over. It was good while it lasted, but let's face it, we're two completely different people who's lone attraction to each other was physical.

Don't worry about me though people, I've already moved on and replaced her. I always kept Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Biel, and Jessica Alba on the side anyway. (Angelina Jolie has been retired and placed in the Hall of Fame. She's like God or something now.) Now there's an opening in my foursome, and I've got to find somebody to replace Lindsay.

Who should it be? I'll let you readers help me decide. Here are our 4 canidates.

Elisha Cuthbert
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Christina Aguilera
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Keeley Hazell
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Rachel Bilson
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Who's it going to be?

That's really all I got today. If there's a chance you asked yourself if Sun-Times sports columnist Jay Mariotti was still a jackass, he is, and you can read about that here.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,

Saturday, September 16, 2006


Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim"

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim"

Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim"

And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"

Keepin It Real Since 1980,

Friday, September 15, 2006

Failed Attempts at Humor

I want to start this entry off by letting you all know that I tried. I tried a few times, but I could never find a willing victim.

There will be no Prank Messenger this week, as I wasn't able to find anybody who would talk to me long enough to get an actual conversation going.

I almost had one guy, but just as I thought I had something, he stopped responding to me and signed off.

Me: Hello there.
Them: Hi
Me: How are you today?
Them: I'm ok, who is this?
Me:I'm sorry, my name is Esteban, and I work for an organization seeking your support.
Them: No thanks.
Me: Please let me explain?
Them: I'm not really interested.
Me: But you haven't even heard about who I work for.
Them:Fine, but hurry I have things to do.
Me:Thank you
Me: Well, like I said, my name is Esteban and I work for an organization called "Save Suri Cruise."
Me: Do you know who Suri Cruise is?
Me: Have you seen pictures of her?
Them: Yes.
Me: Would you agree that Suri is the cutest alien you've seen since Gizmo in Gremlins?

And that's where it stopped. He wouldn't respond to that last question, and either signed off or blocked me shortly afterward.

I was hurt cuz I was going to take that theme to places never dreamed of!!

Yesterday I spent the day at the Brookfield Zoo with my Aunt Jane, Uncle John, my cousin's wife Mariah, and their two kids Cameron and Emily. They're all in town from Atlanta for the wedding this weekend.

What wedding?

My cousin Keith is getting married tomorrow, and it also marks the last day of my vacation from work. So I promise that with an open bar, I will be going out with a bang.

I've already got a pillow and blanket laid out on my lawn.

Oh, how I loved not working for a week. Even if I didn't see a single ray of sunlight until yesterday. I don't care if it's perpetually cloudy and rainy, and in the low 60's, when I'm not at work every day is a beautiful day!

Anyway, onto the Friday Random 20
  1. Lightness-Death Cab for Cutie
  2. What's it Feel Like to Be a Ghost-Taking Back Sunday
  3. Deep Inside-Incubus
  4. Eight Days a Week-The Beatles
  5. Crash Into Me-Dave Matthews Band
  6. Shut Your Eyes-Snow Patrol
  7. By Myself-Linkin Park
  8. But It's Better If You Do-Panic! At the Disco
  9. Crazy Game of Poker-O.A.R.
  10. Snake Charmer-Rage Against the Machine
  11. Dreaming-System of a Down
  12. From a Balance Beam-Bright Eyes
  13. Outta Mind (Outta Sight)-Wilco
  14. Warning-Incubus
  15. Highway to Hell-AC/DC
  16. Sad Happy-Cold
  17. Bleed American-Jimmy Eat World
  18. Love and War (11/11/46)-Rilo Kiley
  19. Keep Em Seperated-The Offspring
  20. Girl You Have No Faith in Medicine-The White Stripes
Keepin It Real Since 1980,

Friday, September 08, 2006

I Remembered Something I Need to Do

I was just fucking around on this blog reading old entries, and realized something.

It's been entirely too long since I did one of these.

I'm on vacation from work next week, which means I should have plenty of time to find a victim or two. I can't promise anything, but I'm about 80/20 you can expect a new Prank Messenger next week.

Anyway, here's the Random Twenty.

  1. O Girlfriend-Weezer
  2. Drive Slow-Kanye West
  3. Jet Pilot-System of a Down
  4. Heart-Shaped Box-Nirvana
  5. Flushed from the Bathroom of Your Heart-Johnny Cash
  6. Box Full of Letters-Wilco
  7. Spin-Taking Back Sunday
  8. One Weak-Deftones
  9. Freak on a Leash-Korn
  10. Alkaholic-Xzibit
  11. Since I've Been Loving You-Led Zeppelin
  12. Mr. Wendal-Arrested Development
  13. Gone Daddy Gone-Gnarls Barkley
  14. Helena-My Chemical Romance
  15. Couldn't Stand the Weather-Stevie Ray Vaughan
  16. No Sleep til Brooklin'-Beastie Boys
  17. Hey Ho Let's Go-The Ramones
  18. Testify-Rage Against the Machine
  19. The Union Forever-The White Stripes
  20. What More Can I Say-Jay Z

Keepin It Real Since 1980,


Thursday, September 07, 2006

Stay Classy San Diego

Here's an interesting news story from Fox6 in San Diego.

My favorite part is by far how the cameraman just stands there and continues shooting.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,

Friday, September 01, 2006

Friday Bullshit

Ok, well I've decided that you can't really learn much about my music tastes through the Random 10. I mean 10 songs isn't enough is it? So this week we're going to change it to the Random 20. Aren't you fucking excited? I know I am.

  1. Hey Joe-The Jimi Hendrix Experience
  2. Violent Pornography-System of a Down
  3. Vasoline-Stone Temple Pilots
  4. Digital Bath-Deftones
  5. Let's Do This Now-Korn
  6. I Never-Rilo Kiley
  7. Cocaine-Eric Clapton
  8. Raise Up-Petey Pablo
  9. Lover I Don't Have To Love-Bright Eyes
  10. Popular-Nada Surf
  11. California Love-Tupac and Dr. Dre
  12. Stupid Girl-Cold
  13. Creatures of Love-Talking Heads
  14. Take a Picture-Filter
  15. Let It Be-The Beatles
  16. When You're Smiling-Louis Prima
  17. Bear Down Chicago Bears
  18. Black Dog-Led Zeppelin
  19. Terminator-Sevendust
  20. I Never Told You What I Do For A Living-My Chemical Romance
There now you know almost everything there is to know about me.

Thursday night was also the night of our Full Tilt Forum fantasy football draft. There's nothing more boring than hearing about somebody's fantasy football team, so I'm going to share mine with you.

  • Kurt Warner-QB
  • Chris Simms-QB
  • Matt Leinart-QB
  • Rudi Johnson-RB
  • Ronnie Brown-RB
  • Thomas Jones-RB
  • Wali Lundy-RB
  • Marion Barber-RB
  • Marvin Harrison-WR
  • Roy Williams-WR
  • Joe Horn-WR
  • Reggie Brown-WR
  • Ernest Wilford-WR
  • Randy McMichael-TE
  • Tampa Bay-Def
  • John Kasay-K
My final draft is Sunday afternoon for Swamp Nutz, the team Billy and I own together. Then we can get around to actually playing football. Anyway, that's it. Later bitches.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,