Friday, January 26, 2007

I Misjudged Myself

Back in the day whilst applying to different colleges, I didn't bother applying to any Ivy League schools. It was mostly cuz I refuse to wear a sweater vest, but also cuz I didn't think I was quite Ivy League material.

It appears I was wrong.


Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Self Promotion

I know a lot of you that read this blog don't get over to my sports blog. It's cool. I mean, ya, you're an idiot, but what can I do about it?

Idiots are always going to be idiots no matter how much I try to help them not be idiots.

Anyway, here's a post from Foul Balls that I think even you idiots can appreciate.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,

Monday, January 22, 2007

Sorry America

(This is a repost from the greatest blog in the history of blogs....Foul Balls)

As I sit here typing this, only a few hours after the Bears beat the New Orleans Saints 39-14 to earn a spot in Super Bowl XLI, it still hasn't hit me.

I mean, can you believe it?

The Bears beat the Saints.

The Saints!!

The greatest team of all damn time!!

There has never been a team as good as the New Orleans Saints this season. They went 10-6 during the regular season, man. The Bears only went 13-3.

There's no way the Bears should have been able to overcome that.

The Saints had the NFL's #1 offense. They scored 413 points in 16 games. The Bears only scored 427 points.

The Saints have the two greatest running backs to ever grace the gridiron in their backfield. Deuce McAllister rushed for 1,057 yards, while Reggie Bush had 565. The Bears on the other hand only have Thomas Jones who rushed for 1,210 yards, and Cedric Benson who managed 647.

How can the Bears compete with that!?

They couldn't. Just ask all the "experts," like the guys at ESPN. They all said the Saints would win. In fact, the only person who picked the Bears was a computer, and a computer is just a series of tubes. Unlike the ESPN guys, it knows nothing about football!!

But that's why they don't play these games in the pregame studios! No, sir. You have to give the underdog a chance to come out and play against Goliath.

Remember, this wasn't just a team the Bears were going against. This was America. Hell, it was God.

But the Bears didn't care. They're a bunch of Atheists who don't even realize there's a world outside the borders of Chicago.

So, sorry America, but it's time to discuss just how the Godless heathens pillaged and plundered their way to victory.

After Reggie Bush waved goodbye to Brian Urlacher and did a somersault into the end zone to make it 16-14 Bears, it seemed something awoke in the Bears.

In fact, the Reggie Bush wave was a perfect microcosm of the way the media had treated the Saints all week. The touchdown he scored didn't even give the Saints the lead, but Bush acted as though the game was over and the Saints were victorious. In reality, they hadn't done anything yet.

From that point on, the Saints were dead.

The snow started to fall, and Drew Brees threw a ball to nobody in particular from his end zone. It resulted in a safety that completely turned everything around.

Rex Grossman came out shortly after, and had the defining drive of his much maligned career.

On a five play, 85-yard drive, Rex went 4/4 for 78 yards and finished with a 33 yard touchdown pass to Bernard Berrian. Berrian made a fantastic catch while falling down at the one yard line, and neither of the Saints defensive backs touched him, so he stood up and walked into the end zone.

At the end of the day though, it was typical Chicago Bears football. Cold, wintry conditions, 196 yard rushing, and defense, defense, defense.

After hearing all week that they wouldn't be able to stop Deuce McAllister, the Bears held him to 18 yards on 6 carries. The defense also got back to its old turnover-causing ways. The Bears forced the Saints into four of 'em, while giving none away.

The Saints just didn't seem ready to play a game in the type of conditions they were forced to today, and a lot of that has to be placed at the feet of coach Sean Payton. Why he had them practicing indoors all week is a question he's probably going to have to answer a lot over the next few days.

Personally, I don't care why he did it, or what his reasons were. All I care about is that the Chicago Bears are going to the Super Bowl.
It's fun to say that, and not have it be a beer-induced prognostication.

The Bears are going to the Super Bowl.


The team that many have claimed is the worst 13-3 team in history just beat everybody in their way.

"They can't win a playoff game."

They did.

"Rex Grossman can't get them to a Super Bowl."

He did.

"They can't stop the Saints."

They did.

Everything that everybody has told them they couldn't do, they've gone out and done.

So after all of this, after answering every challenge, the Chicago Bears have finally earned some damn respect, right?

Nope. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

No, I Have A Question for YOU Mr. President

I signed on to the intertubes tonight, and was confronted by a question from India's President, Abdul Kalam.

What would I do to end terrorism?

Well, Mr. President, before I answer your question, I'm going to need you to answer mine.

When the fuck did the Oompa Loompas take over India?

Keepin It Real Since 1980,


Friday, January 12, 2007

YouTube is Awesome

What do you get when you mix my favorite television show with one of my least favorite musical artists?

A little thing I like to call...Heaven.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Spiders on Drugs

In 1960, scientists performed an experiment on spiders. They gave them drugs, and then watched the spiders behavior patterns afterward.

The results were phenomenal.

Coming Soon to My Living Room

Oh man, I can't wait to watch Dora on that bitch!! 108 inches of pure pleasure.
The TV is nice too. ZING!!

Friday, January 05, 2007

The Big Lebowski in Two Minutes

One of my favorite movies of all time is easily The Big Lebowski. It's come to my attention recently, that a lot of my friends and family have never seen the movie.

This is something that should just not happen. It's an American classic.

So luckily for those of you morons fine folks who haven't seen it, I found a nice short version of the movie on YouTube.

You can thank me later.

(By the way, do NOT watch this at work. Unless you hate your job, or you work somewhere really cool where they don't give a fuck what you do.)

An Unfinished Story

I was going through some of my old shit, and I came upon this story I started writing once. Why it was in my shit, and the reason I store my stools (thats kinda fun to say...repeat it out my stools, store my stools...I'm a genius) is none of your god damned business.

Anyway, I have no recollection as to why I wrote this story, or what even inspired it. All I know is that I did, and I'm gonna repost it here cuz it made me laugh.

I'm a fucking idiot.
Whats the internet you ask? The internet is a series of interlinked programming available to anybody with a phone line, modem, and a computer. It was invented by Al Gore a long time ago.

One day while out in the forest during the title fight in the Tennessee Bare Knuckle Black Bear Boxing Association(T.B.K.B.B.B.A. for short.) against Mr. Sprinkles Mr. Gore decided there had to be a safer way to make money. He loved the pure competition of boxing bears, but was also aware of the imminent presence of likely death. Despite the advice of his family, friends, and coaches Al decided to give up his promising bear boxing career.


"I realized that as an American, I wanted to see boobies. The people of America wanted to see boobies. Everybody in the world wants to see boobies. I wanted to be the man to give the boobies to the world." said Gore in a 1998 interview for Newsweek.

Little did Al even realize at the time, the boobies were only the tip of the iceberg.

After 10 months of seclusion in his basement, away from his family, friends, coaches, and bear
boxing competitors, Al had finally invented the internet. Though a crude version of what we have now, the original made of popsicle sticks, yarn, a paper clip, and a half finished bottle of Pabst Blue Ribbon, the internet had arrived.

"Once I got it up and running I was literally swimming in boobies. Jumping from one boob to another without a care in the world. Boobies, boobies, boobies."

It was in this "Boobyland" that Al Gore would meet a future partner. Bill Clinton. After talking about boobies for roughly 423 hours the two realized there was a very strong bond between them. They would later go on to use this bond to try and take over the world. They would have too, if it wasn't for Mr. Gore's old foe Mr. Sprinkles.

But that my friends, is a whole other story.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Silly MySpace Quiz

You can view my actual MySpace page here.

My top 8 myspace friends
8.:Jay Mariotti
The Questions
How did you meet 6?:She was dancing at a club I frequent.
Why are you friends with 3?:Cuz a big part of being a Christian is charity work.
Is 7 in a relationship?:Yes, he and his mirror are quite happy.
Have you kissed 1?:Wouldn't you?
Have you hugged 4?:I tried, but he threw me off.
Have you done anything sexual with 6?:What haven't I done sexually with her?
Would 1 and 8 make a good couple?:I'm going to go ahead and say hell yes.
How long have you know 2?:I've known him since 1994, but if you're talkin biblical, 1995.
Would you ever kiss 7?:If he let me I would.
Whats a good memory with 5?:That one time we did that thing. That was fucking awesome.
Ever hugged 8?:No, and I'm guessing his mother never did either.
Do you love 4?:I love him like no other.
Is 5 nice?:Ya, in that serial killer kinda way.
How did you meet 3?:Group sex.
Who makes you laugh?:Just about all of em.
Who makes you smile?:Just about all of em.
When was the last time you saw 4?:In my dreams.
Would 3 and 6 make a cute couple?:Whatever they made, I'd fucking watch it.
Does 8 love you?:No.
Do you see 3 a lot?:No. A stalker tries not to be seen.
Describe 4 in 3 words?:Grow hoof, grow.
What would you buy 1 for their birthday?:A shot.
Have you traveled anywhere with 5?:Yes. All the way to US Cellular Field.
Do you have fun with 7?:Ya, we wrestle.
Is 2 a cool person?:Not really, but that's kinda what makes him cool.
Who is the loudest?:Silvio. Donna when drunk.
Do any of them get on your nerves sometimes?:All of them except Barbaro.
Do you know when 6's birthday is?:August 28th.
What do you really think of 3?:She's the tops.
Best memory with 4?:According to Illinois state laws, it's best I keep that quiet.
Does 1 even know you?:It comes and goes I'm sure.
Is 5 happy?:When I see her she seems to be.
Does 7 live close?:Nope.
Do you have any classes with 2?:Nope.
Have you and 3 ever hooked up?:Hell ya we have. We do it nasty all night too.
Are you and 8 close?:No. I'm 6'2 and he's like 5'1.
Do you wanna kiss 4?:More than anything else in the world.
Is 6 a good person?:Yep.
Does 2 own a car?:Silvio owns all.
How did you choose your Top 8?:They all want to bang me.
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