Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Pacey the Rattlesnake Hunter

*The following entry is based on a true story.

It's a long way from Capeside North Carolina to Topanga Canyon California, but moving from a creek to a canyon was just what a young Pacey Witter needed in his life.

When you're a Rattlesnake hunter, you live for the hunt, and there just aren't enough rattlesnakes in Capeside.

In Topanga Canyon they're literally right in your front yard. Just ask Lynn Anderson.

Tuesday morning, May 30th, was just another day in the life of Lynn Anderson. She had just finished her breakfast of coffee and 13 cigarettes when she decided to get the mail. Anderson's plans would change once she opened the front door.

There just outside her door was a rattlesnake. At least 75 feet in length and 4 feet across according to Anderson. Normally she would have taken care of the snake herself, but just recently coming off of breast augmentation surgery she didn't have complete use of her upper torso yet.

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Luckily for her she had a brand new neighbor right down the street.

Pacey Witter. Rattlesnake hunter.

"After I told him what the problem was he told me to stay in the house, and not to worry. He would be right over and take care of it," said Anderson when interviewed later.

And that he was. Seemingly flying out of the trees Witter mounted his attack on the rattler. Both Pacey and his foe wrestled on the ground for a good 10 minutes. Pacey twisting the snakes rattle, while the snake lunged for his groin repeatedly.

"Must be a female rattler," remarked Witter wryly.

"The snake must have bit him in the groin 12 times, but he just kept fighting it anyway,"reported Anderson, "He told me after that he had invented an anti-venom that he injected into his body as some sort of vaccine. He was immune to the snake bites."

After another few minutes of fighting the snake, Pacey was finally able to get the snake in a sleeper hold. After a few seconds the snake was sleeping like a baby.

Pacey and Lynn however weren't.

"We made love for what must have been 13 hours afterward. I was so enamored with his wit, charm, and rattlesnake hunting skills, I couldn't resist him afterward. It all started when he asked me to rub his bite wounds with a special cream. One thing led to another.... and the next thing I knew we were doing it in the doorway," confessed a wobbly kneed Anderson, "The only odd thing was that he kept calling me Joey. Really I didn't mind at all cuz I kept calling him Dawson anyway. He was also the first person to see my new breasts, and he called them 'remarkable.' "

After satisfying Lynn with his Rattlesnake Hunting, and love making prowess, Witter took the snake to his wildlife compound in his backyard. It's there that he keeps his hunting skills sharp when he's not off scouring the world for his prey.

"I was really lucky he was home. He'd just returned from 4 months in the Outback on Saturday."

What if there's a next time?

"I go to bed dreaming there IS a next time. That man tamed me."

Hunt on Pacey Witter. Hunt on.

Keeping It Real Since 1980,


l.a. said...

The following are corrections for your story:

1) i was finishing achai latte and my 11th bede.

2)75 feet in length and 4 feet referenced was PACEY, not the snake.

3)despite your allegations, i did not have breast augmentation surgery. actually, i was in drug reha -

on second thought, sure. no argument there.

4) witter didn't mount an attack on the rattler. he actually mounted the rattler.

5) i did not rub, i daubed.

6) he said my breasts were "scrumptious."

7) he actually returned from fond du lac.

8) i'm living the dream; he's in the kitchen whipping up a creme brulee right now (you should see his toque - HUMUNGOUS).

9)lame, maybe. tamed? never.

Teresa said...

damn tom did you get anything right???