Sunday, March 02, 2008

Wilco on SNL

Okay, since the link to the video I sent all of you isn't working, I'll just post it here.

I knew there was a reason I kept this place around.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Running With the Bulls: A High Stakes Game of One-on-One

This is just a repost of something I wrote over at Foul Balls (It was a two-part series!) but since it's more humorous than about sports, I thought I'd post it here as well.

The story behind it is that I'm just incredibly sick of watching the Bulls this season, and since I can't enjoy watching them play, at least I can enjoy making fun of them.

So here it is.


Location: Hyatt Regency, Orlando, FL. John Paxson's room
Date: Tuesday January 15th 1:15PM


(Bulls general manager John Paxson awaits Joakim Noah in his suite. Jim Boylan is sitting on the couch. Joakim was supposed to be there at 1:00PM)



John Paxson: Where the fuck is this kid. Has he learned nothing? He's already 15 minutes late.

Jim Boylan: I saw him in the lobby a while ago boss, he's probably just caught up with the fellas!

JP: Well he's supposed to be in here. We need to have a talk about him maturing as a man.

JB: I'm sure he'll be fine boss! He brings much needed energy!!

(Joakim enters the office)


Joakim Noah: What up, bitches!? Sorry I'm late. We were having a players only meeting to gameplan for tonight's game against the Magic. We're going to try and force Dwight Howard to take jump shots and attack him on the defensive end.

JB: That sounds fantastic, Joakim!

JP: No it doesn't. Joakim, it's the coaching staff's job to come up with a gameplan, not the teams. The team is supposed to do what they're told.

JB: Oh, don't be so hard on him, boss! He's only trying to help. He brings such a youthful exuberance to the locker room and the court!!

(Paxson shoots Boylan a death stare)


JP: As I was saying.....Joakim. Let coach Boylan and his staff come up with the game plans, and you start worrying about making yourself the best basketball player you can be.

JN: How the hell am I supposed to do that if you people keep benching me? So I yelled at coach Adams. So what? Ben Wallace threw coach Skiles through a window. He didn't get suspended.

JP: You don't worry about Ben Wallace! You worry about Joakim Noah!

JN: That's so unfair! Ben gets to do whatever the hell he wants, and nobody punishes him.

JP: Ben is a veteran, he's earned that right. You still have to put in the time.

JN: This is bullshit.

JP: What's that?

JN: I said, this is BULLSHIT. The rules here are bullshit, this team is bullshit, everything is bullshit!

JB: Now, now, fellas. Let's not make a big ol' fuss! Who wants a Werther's Original!?

(Boylan pulls out a bag of Werther's Originals from his pocket)

JP: Boylan! Get the fuck out of my room.

JB: But why....

JP: Now!!!

JB: Yessir, boss!! Later, Joakim!

(Paxson turns back to Noah)


JP: Joakim, I'm tired of your behavior. This isn't college, we aren't in Gainesville. You aren't the big man on campus. I'm your boss, and you'll do exactly as I say.

JN: What the fuck ever. I'm out of here.

JP: That's it! There's only one way we can settle this. A high stakes battle of one-on-one basketball. You and me. Right now.

JN: High stakes? What will that solve? How much you wanna play for? $10,000? $20,000?

JP: Our lives.

JN: Are you fucking kidding me? Our lives?

(Paxson flies out of the room into the bathroom from whence he emerges with his battle garb)



JP: Let's do this shit.

(Meanwhile, outside the room, after overhearing the argument between Joakim and John Paxson, coach Boylan has run to the room of the only man who can help.)

(Ben Wallace sits in his hotel room watching Dora the Explorer)


Ben Wallace: Hola, mi nombre es Ben Wallace. ¿Cómo usted está haciendo hoy?

BW: Man, this Spanish shit is easy! Ben Wallace is learnin' at a 5th grade level!


Ben Wallace's Headband
: Why the fuck are we watching this shit, Ben? Order some porn or something. Daddy needs to release some tension.

BW: Can't do it, man. Gotta game tonight, Ben Wallace need his legs!

BWH: Fuck that. You're gettin paid either way, right? This team ain't going anywhere. There's no Chauncey. There's no Rip. There definitely ain't no Rasheed Wallace. Ya'll fools ain't goin nowhere. Let's get some porn, and take a night off.

BW: Ben Wallace do miss Rasheed's tender touch. Now Ben Wallace is all sad!

BWH: And you know what makes Ben Wallace happy? Bukkake Bonanza 13.

BW: Oh, ok.

(There's a knock at the door)


BW: Oh shit. Somebody is at Ben Wallace's door.

BWH: Ignore it, we got work to do!

JB: Ben!? It's coach Boylan! I need to talk to you big guy! There's trouble a brewin'!!

BW: Oh no! Trouble! Ben Wallace will help!

(Wallace goes to the door and lets coach Boylan in)


BWH: God damn it.

JB: Ben! Mr. Paxson, sir and Joakim are gonna come to fisticuffs very soon! They're planning on playing a high stakes game of one-on-one!!

BW: They's gonna kill each other!?

JB: You sure are smart big guy! Yes! Yes, they're going to kill each other. Somebody needs to stop them.

BW: Oh I don't know that I can coach Boylan. Ben Wallace's Headband and Ben Wallace were going to watch Bukkake Bonanza 13. He really has hit heart set on it!

JB: Well, if that's what you want to do that's a-ok with me, Ben! I should remind you though, Mr. Paxson, sir and Joakim are going to kill each other.

BW: Hmmmmmmmm...that could be bad. As the team's highest paid player it's up to Ben Wallace to show young Joakim Noah the way!

JB: Way to take responsibility, big guy! You sure do impress me with your professionalism!!

BW: Headband! We must go! Get on Ben Wallace's head!

BWH: But I already ordered the movie!

BW: Let us go save a young man from making a tragic decision!

(Ben puts on his headband and heads to John Paxson's hotel room. As he comes to the elevators, Kirk Hinrich is getting out.)



Kirk Hinrich: Hey, Ben! Where you in such a rush too!?

BW: No time to talk, Harry Potter! Ben Wallace needs to save the day!

(Wallace then picks up Hinrich and throws him out a second story window.)

KH: Aaaaaaah!!

JB: Nice toss, Ben!! He broke through that glass clean!

BW: Ben Wallace is a man that feels if you ain't gonna do something right, you don't do it at all. Now let's go save the day.




Location: Hyatt Regency, Orlando, FL.

Date: Tuesday January 15th 1:37PM


(John Paxson's hotel room where he and Joakim Noah continue to argue)



Joakim Noah: Come on, Mr. Paxson? A high stakes game of one-on-one for our lives? How do we die? It's basketball!


John Paxson: It's simple! We play to 11, and the winner gets to shoot the loser in the face.

JN: Jesus Christ, bitch. Isn't that kinda harsh?

JP: It's basketball!!

JN: Do we even have a gun?

JP: Of course, I carry one at all times. It's under my pillow.

JN: Ok! Enough of this bullshit! I ain't playing for my life, bitch. I get it. I'll start getting to practice on time. I'll keep my mouth shut. I'll fall in line.

(Paxson pulls out a gun from his waistband)


JP: NO YOU DO NOT GET IT, JOAKIM NOAH. YOU COULDN'T POSSIBLY GET IT JOAKIM NOAH. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT BASKETBALL IS. WHAT BASKETBALL EMBODIES. WHAT BASKETBALL TURNS YOU INTO. YOU CAN NOT KNOW WHAT BASKETBALL IS FOR YOU HAVE NOT PUT IT ALL ON THE LINE, JOAKIM NOAH. YOU HAVE NOT PLAYED FOR YOUR LIFE.

JN: k.

JP: SO YOU WILL PLAY ME NOW, JOAKIM NOAH.....

(Ben Wallace kicks down the door to Paxson's hotel room)


Ben Wallace: Ben Wallace commands you to stop this crazy bullshit right now! Ya hear Ben Wallace!?

JP: Get out of here, Ben. THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU.

JN: Dude, bitch. I'm trying to get him to stop! He's lost his mind!!

BW: All of you shut up! We will put an end to this foolishness right here and now! You have both forgotten what basketball is all about! Basketball isn't about blastin' dudes in the face, or puttin' your life on the line. It's about something bigger than that. It's about a group of people coming together for one common goal. Sacrificing themselves for the group they have chosen to fight with. Only then can we rise up to the mountain top, and bring home the NBA championship. We owe it to ourselves, to work hard and maintain focus, and not fight about foolishness, and become the champions that Ben Wallace knows we all are. But most importantly, we do it for the fans. The fans that come out everyday to support us, and give us their hard earned dollar so that we may play for them. We owe it to them. And even more importantly than the most importantly, we owe to the great city we belong to. A blue collar city that's all about hard work. We owe it to Detroit!

(blank stares)


Jim Boylan: Actually, we play in Chicago, Ben. But that sure was a great speech!!

BW: Ben Wallace play in Chicago?

JB: Yes.

BW: El hijo de una ramera


Ben Wallace's Headband: You's a dumb motherfucker.

JN: Screw that, Ben Wallace is still right. I've learned my lesson here today. I've learned that there are things that are more important than what I want to do. I'm supposed to be a professional now, and I'm going to start working harder. I'm going to strive to be a better basketball player to not only help my team, but to help make myself a man. Thank you, Ben Wallace. Thank you for showing me the way.

BW: Oh shit, it's nothing, man. Ben Wallace is here to help.

JP: Wow, I'm sorry Joakim. I don't know what came over me. I guess I'm just under a lot of pressure lately because after Ben threw coach Skiles out the window, the onus of this is on me. I'm so sorry.

JB: It's okay, boss!

JP: NOBODY TOLD YOU TO SPEAK!!

(Paxson shoots Boylan in the arm)


JB: Won't happen again, boss!!

JN: You should probably get that looked at, coach. Let me take you to the trainer's room!

(Joakim takes coach Boylan to the trainer's room, and Ben Wallace and his headband go back to their room)


BW: It sure do make Ben Wallace feel good to be the hero! I make a great leader of this team.

BWH: Uh huh.

BW: You wanna watch Bukkake Bonanza 13 now, because there's nothing Ben Wallace loves to do more after being a hero than masturbate!

BWH: No man, I'm not in the mood anymore.

BW: But why not, Headband?

BWH: That shit you said in Paxson's room. That was the gayest shit I ever heard in my life. "People coming together for one common goal." My fucking logo shrunk that shit was so gay, how the hell can I jerk off now?

BW: Whatever then.

(Ben Wallace puts a pillow on top of his headband, and enjoys Bukkake Bonanza 13)

(...as for Kirk Hinrich)



Kirk Hinrich: Help.

Coach Boylan: Here, have a Werther's Original!

The End

Friday, January 11, 2008

A Strong Man With A Stronger Message

Really, has there ever been a greater American hero than Mr. T? I mean, not only did he avoid capture by the U.S. government during all those years with the A-Team, but he was also man enough to take on Rocky for the world heavyweight championship.

George Washington's got his own fucking memorial for less. "But Tom, he lived in Valley Forge with his troops during a long winter!"

Boo fucking hoo, I grew up with a mother who thought that 25 degrees was a perfectly reasonable temperature to have the windows open. Where the fuck is my statue? No where. That's where.

In a way, me and Mr. T are a lot alike. We kick ass, have awesome hair, and can kill a man with one punch.

We also know to respect our mothers. Even if the bitch did make me freeze all those years.

Only A Story Like This Could Bring Me Back

Oh those brothels! You never know what to expect.
A Polish man got the shock of his life when he visited a brothel and spotted his wife among the establishment's employees.

Polish tabloid Super Express said the woman had been making some extra money on the side while telling her husband she worked at a store in a nearby town.

"I was dumbfounded. I thought I was dreaming," the husband told the newspaper on Wednesday.

The couple, married for 14 years, are now divorcing, the newspaper reported.

I had the same thing happen to me once, except it was in America. And it wasn't my wife, it was my girlfriend. Only she wasn't really my girlfriend. She was just a whore I paid to have sex with me, and then started stalking afterwards.

Restraining orders are just another fun way of saying "I love you!"

Sunday, August 05, 2007

My Date with Liquid Death

I was out at the bar last night with Billy, where we met up with Tim and were eventually joined by others.

We spend a lot of time at Brixie's, but I haven't been there as much lately, so when I heard Tim telling stories about this shot he'd had before I became intrigued.

Not because Tim was describing it as a fine drink that tasted like sexy, but because he was calling it the worst experience he's ever had in his life. If you know Tim, that's saying a lot.

So as I listened to Tim go on and on about this liquid death, a thought occurred to me: I'd like to try it. Then I made the mistake of letting that feeling be known with audible words.
Tom: I'm intrigued. I must try it!

Tim: No you don't, dude. It's horrible.

Tom: You're just a pussy. I am a man. I will drink it and conquer it.

Bill: I'll buy it if you want it.

Tom: I accept your challenge!
So Billy gave me $10 and sent me off to the bar to meet my destiny. I told the bartender what I wanted, and he poured it for me. As he was pouring it I asked him what it was, and what was in it. I couldn't quite hear his answer, but I believe the word juniper was thrown in there.
"Juniper? Is there a bigger pussy among the plant world than juniper? When flowers are young and going to flower school, Juniper is the kid that's getting picked on. Seriously, even Lilac is busting his balls, and he's a fucking Lilac."
The thought that they make gin from Juniper berries never did enter my head.

So I begin my walk back to the table, shot in hand, growing ever more confident in my body's ability to withstand any alcohol.

Then I took a whiff. Not promising. Then Billy took a whiff. Then Dave. Then Alex. Then everybody.

Then Tim put his hand on my shoulder and said "Good luck."

The moment was upon me, and I was beginning to grow wary of the outcome.
"Can I take this in the bathroom? You know, just in case?"
The fear had struck! Once the fear gets you, you're done.
"No, you take it here. The bathroom isn't that far away if you need it."
Billy was right. I didn't really want to drink it in the bathroom, it was just the fear. The only way I could maintain my dignity was to drink it in view of all and then scurry off to the bathroom like a bitch.

So I lifted the glass to my lips, and poured the drink down my throat.

It wasn't bad at all.
Tom: Are you kidding me? That shit was easy.

Tim: Wait for it.

Tom: Wait for what? It's fi...OH MY GOD THAT'S HORRIBLE!!!!!
The aftertaste had struck. When it did, I longed for death. It was a slow burn beginning in my throat that grew into an inferno. And the taste.....oh God the taste. I think Tim described it best.
"You know how when somebody pukes they poor sawdust on it? Well, if you picked up the sawdust and puke and then swallowed it, that's what it tastes like."
And it does.

And it wouldn't go away.

I picked up my beer and began chugging it to lose the burning taste in my throat. It didn't go away.

I lit a cigarette and smoked the whole thing in three puffs. It didn't go away.

Tim then told me it would still be there in the morning, but after about 20 of the longest minutes of my life, the taste was gone.

The shot I did was a liquer known as Malort. According to this Cocktail Database, Malort is:
Generic for bitter-sweet spirit produced at one time by several companies, now apparently only by one: Jeppson, formerly in Chicago, now in Florida. Malort is flavored by a European herb called the malort plant, a Swedish term meaning Artemisia Absinthium - or grand wormwood in a base of neutral spirits. Originally a product favored in Chicago's central and eastern European ethnic neighborhoods, it has been adopted enthusiastically by bikers and is a mainstay at biker bars.
This shit is basically absinthe, but in my experience, much more potent. I've had absinthe before, hell I have a bottle in my kitchen right now, and it's never done anything to me. I hear stories about hallucinations, but all I've ever gotten from drinking the stuff was a bad taste in my mouth.

This Malort though, man. I got home from the bar and I suddenly found myself feeling incredibly drunk. I'd had like 5 beers, a Jager Bomb, and the Malort while at the bar. Enough to get me buzzed, but no where near enough to get me drunk.

But there I sat in my chair watching television feeling drunker than all absolute hell. I remember thinking to myself that I felt really high as well. The room was spinning, my ears were working funny, everything was just fucked up.

It had to be the Malort now that I realize what's in it.

As it's final tribute to me, I woke up this morning and had the biggest headache of my life. Now in my long illustrious drinking career, it's by no means the first time I've woken up hungover with a headache.

I've never had a headache like the one I had this morning though. And I'll never be drinking Malort again. Well, no wait, I'm pretty stupid. I'll probably try it again at some point. Especially if someone else buys it.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Mutiny on CBS!

I'm not really that much of a television watcher. Don't get me wrong, I watch a ton of television, but it's usually sports. Be it for work or leisure, sports is just a huge part of my life.

So when it comes to regular television, more specifically network television, there aren't many shows I waste my time on.

You see, most sitcoms and reality shows are stupid. Incredibly, incredibly stupid. I just don't have the time for incredibly stupid. No, I like my television to be stupid and entertaining all at the same time.

That's why I've recently grown interested in VH1's Rock of Love. Put 16 trailer park hoes in Brett Michaels house, and see which one he wants to fuck the most. That's entertainingly stupid. That's what I'm looking for.

The show that had taken the title for me this television season was CBS' Pirate Master. If you're unaware of what Pirate Master is, let me give you a brief synopsis.

It's like Survivor, but on a pirate ship. Sixteen contestants, and they live on a pirate boat. One of them is elected captain, and he has two officers. Each episode the crew splits up into two teams and compete against each other to find a hidden treasure.

They find it, the winning team makes whatever changes they want, they split the money, then they vote somebody off the ship.

It's one of the dumbest premises for a television show you will ever hear. Can you imagine being the guy at the production company that pitched that idea?
Inside Official CBS Office Where They Come Up With New Lame Shows

Head of programming: Dammit! We need to come up with some new shows for our fall schedule! What do you have for me so far you ignorant clods!?

Idea Man #1: How about a CSI: Topeka? I'm sure all sorts of crazy shit goes down in rural Kansas all the time we don't even know about.

Idea Man #2: Yeah, like cow murders and shit. Maybe we can get Alec Baldwin to play the lead? His life is in the shitter, he's gotta be desperate for money.

HOP: I don't want any more god damned CSI's!! This isn't NBC!! We don't need to take one show and split it into 13 others! What we need is a reality show. We don't have enough of those.

Idea Man #2: What? We have Big Brother, The Amazing Race...

HOP:You!!

Idea Man #2: Yes, sir?

HOP: You're fired!!

(pulls out gun from under table and blows Idea Man #2's head off)

Idea Man #3: Holy shit! You fucking killed him! You actually blew his fucking head off!? How could you do such a...

(HOP shoots Idea Man #3 in the balls)

HOP: Shut the fuck up.

Idea Man #3: My balls!! My precious, precious balls!! You're a monster!! A MONSTER!!!!

HOP: I said shut the fuck up!

(Idea Man #3 shuts up and holds his bleeding balls)

HOP: Now. Gimme some ideas for a new reality show.

Idea Man #4: What if we have a contest between 16 people where they compete against each other in crazy challenges for cash prizes?

Idea Man #1: Wow. Groundbreaking.

HOP: Seriously man, you have to be more specific! There must be an angle!!

Idea Man #4: Like Survivor, only not on a deserted island where they starve to death.

HOP: That's the dumbest I idea I ever heard!! I ought shoot you where you stand, sir.

Idea Man #4: I'm sitting, sir.

(HOP reaches for gun, lifts to fire..)

Idea Man #1: Wait!! I've got it!!

HOP and Idea Man #4: What!?

Idea Man #1: We put them on a pirate ship!

HOP: Brilliant!! Call Mark Burnett, get that fucking homo to start production!! Great job, men. You're all getting raises.

Idea Men: Hooray!!

HOP: Not you #4.

(Blows #4's head off)
Or at least it probably went something like that.

Anyway, Pirate Master is such a horrible idea that it's just awesome to watch. I was recording the show every week, and watching it religiously. I was coming up with strategies, rooting for certain people, wanting others to be cut adrift.

We were just getting to the final episodes, the anticipation was killing me!! And then this.

CBS has scuttled Pirate Master, a low-rated reality series from Survivor producer Mark Burnett.

The show, in which 16 contestants searched for buried treasure, has struggled since its premiere earlier this year.

It will be yanked this week from its Thursday timeslot in favour of newsmagazine 48 Hours. Drama repeats are expected to fill the slot in August.

The five remaining episodes from the series will be streamed on CBS.com. In Australia, the show airs on the Nine network.

Fuck you, CBS. Fuck you right in your crazy eyes. You cancelled that shit for fucking 48 Hours and drama repeats? You couldn't just show the five final fucking episodes and wash your hands of it?


That's a coward's move, CBS, one that I shall hold you accountable for. I shall never watch your network again, well except for football and college basketball. I hope you realize what you've cost yourself.

If you need me, I'll be at CBS' website watching the final five episodes. I can't wait until the final episode when I'm about to find out who wins, and then in a shocking revelation...

buffering.....buffering.....buffering......

Fuck you very much, CBS.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,
Tom