Thursday, July 26, 2007

Mutiny on CBS!

I'm not really that much of a television watcher. Don't get me wrong, I watch a ton of television, but it's usually sports. Be it for work or leisure, sports is just a huge part of my life.

So when it comes to regular television, more specifically network television, there aren't many shows I waste my time on.

You see, most sitcoms and reality shows are stupid. Incredibly, incredibly stupid. I just don't have the time for incredibly stupid. No, I like my television to be stupid and entertaining all at the same time.

That's why I've recently grown interested in VH1's Rock of Love. Put 16 trailer park hoes in Brett Michaels house, and see which one he wants to fuck the most. That's entertainingly stupid. That's what I'm looking for.

The show that had taken the title for me this television season was CBS' Pirate Master. If you're unaware of what Pirate Master is, let me give you a brief synopsis.

It's like Survivor, but on a pirate ship. Sixteen contestants, and they live on a pirate boat. One of them is elected captain, and he has two officers. Each episode the crew splits up into two teams and compete against each other to find a hidden treasure.

They find it, the winning team makes whatever changes they want, they split the money, then they vote somebody off the ship.

It's one of the dumbest premises for a television show you will ever hear. Can you imagine being the guy at the production company that pitched that idea?
Inside Official CBS Office Where They Come Up With New Lame Shows

Head of programming: Dammit! We need to come up with some new shows for our fall schedule! What do you have for me so far you ignorant clods!?

Idea Man #1: How about a CSI: Topeka? I'm sure all sorts of crazy shit goes down in rural Kansas all the time we don't even know about.

Idea Man #2: Yeah, like cow murders and shit. Maybe we can get Alec Baldwin to play the lead? His life is in the shitter, he's gotta be desperate for money.

HOP: I don't want any more god damned CSI's!! This isn't NBC!! We don't need to take one show and split it into 13 others! What we need is a reality show. We don't have enough of those.

Idea Man #2: What? We have Big Brother, The Amazing Race...


Idea Man #2: Yes, sir?

HOP: You're fired!!

(pulls out gun from under table and blows Idea Man #2's head off)

Idea Man #3: Holy shit! You fucking killed him! You actually blew his fucking head off!? How could you do such a...

(HOP shoots Idea Man #3 in the balls)

HOP: Shut the fuck up.

Idea Man #3: My balls!! My precious, precious balls!! You're a monster!! A MONSTER!!!!

HOP: I said shut the fuck up!

(Idea Man #3 shuts up and holds his bleeding balls)

HOP: Now. Gimme some ideas for a new reality show.

Idea Man #4: What if we have a contest between 16 people where they compete against each other in crazy challenges for cash prizes?

Idea Man #1: Wow. Groundbreaking.

HOP: Seriously man, you have to be more specific! There must be an angle!!

Idea Man #4: Like Survivor, only not on a deserted island where they starve to death.

HOP: That's the dumbest I idea I ever heard!! I ought shoot you where you stand, sir.

Idea Man #4: I'm sitting, sir.

(HOP reaches for gun, lifts to fire..)

Idea Man #1: Wait!! I've got it!!

HOP and Idea Man #4: What!?

Idea Man #1: We put them on a pirate ship!

HOP: Brilliant!! Call Mark Burnett, get that fucking homo to start production!! Great job, men. You're all getting raises.

Idea Men: Hooray!!

HOP: Not you #4.

(Blows #4's head off)
Or at least it probably went something like that.

Anyway, Pirate Master is such a horrible idea that it's just awesome to watch. I was recording the show every week, and watching it religiously. I was coming up with strategies, rooting for certain people, wanting others to be cut adrift.

We were just getting to the final episodes, the anticipation was killing me!! And then this.

CBS has scuttled Pirate Master, a low-rated reality series from Survivor producer Mark Burnett.

The show, in which 16 contestants searched for buried treasure, has struggled since its premiere earlier this year.

It will be yanked this week from its Thursday timeslot in favour of newsmagazine 48 Hours. Drama repeats are expected to fill the slot in August.

The five remaining episodes from the series will be streamed on In Australia, the show airs on the Nine network.

Fuck you, CBS. Fuck you right in your crazy eyes. You cancelled that shit for fucking 48 Hours and drama repeats? You couldn't just show the five final fucking episodes and wash your hands of it?

That's a coward's move, CBS, one that I shall hold you accountable for. I shall never watch your network again, well except for football and college basketball. I hope you realize what you've cost yourself.

If you need me, I'll be at CBS' website watching the final five episodes. I can't wait until the final episode when I'm about to find out who wins, and then in a shocking revelation...


Fuck you very much, CBS.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,