Friday, June 30, 2006

The Shit List

This is the official Keepin It Real Since 1980 Shit List. You do NOT want to be on this list. If you are on this list I suggest you keep as much distance as humanly possible between yourself and I.

The list is ever changing. People will be added to it any damn time I feel like adding them, and I may remove people from it from time to time. Though generally the only way to get off the list is to die, or send me $100.


  • Paris Hilton-I think my disdain for Paris has been well chronicled on this
    blog. Now I know all blondes are stupid (Don't worry they can't read this), but Paris is stupid AND rich. (Jessica Simpson falls into this category too but is exempt from this list thanks to her huge tits) Plus watching that video of her with Rick Solomon she seems like a really boring lay. It's like she learned how to suck dick in Health class or something. What does being incredibly stupid and rich get her? A TV show, a record deal, tickets to Brian Urlacher's skybox (I want those!), and a helluva lot of canker sores.
  • Tom Cruise-Remember the Top Gun days when The Cruise used to be cool? Neither do I. Frankly I've always thought that Tom has been a douchebag. Long before he went nuts on Oprah. I mean what kind of asshole dances around in their living room in their underwear? If you have that kind of house and parents that are nowhere to be found YOU THROW A FUCKING PARTY. He got the hooker part right, but where was the blow and kegs? Over time Tom has not only proven himself to be a world class dickhead, but now a full blown psycho as well. Whether he's locking Katie Holmes in a closet and injecting her with his semen via a turkey baster, or proclaiming that anti psychotic medications are bullshit, he's always a fucking bitch. To top it off I'm pretty sure he's only 4'11". Seriously was I the only one expecting an alien to pop out of Katie's stomach ala Alien? Would any of us have been surprised?
  • Jay Mariotti-Any sports fan/writer that doesn't want to shove a baseball bat up this guys fuckin ass is just as big a douchebag as he is.
  • Joe Theisman-When my Uncle Joe told me years ago that he decked this bastard one night at a bar for hitting on my Aunt Joannie he was immediately vaulted into "Favorite Uncle" status. Keep in mind that Theisman went to Notre Dame, and I love Notre Dame, but I still hate the fucking guy. The fact that he is now going to be on Monday Night Football seriously has me questioning whether I need to watch MNF anymore. Ok, so that's probably an empty threat, but you get the point. I hate Theisman so much that every time I see Lawrence Taylor snap his leg in half on NFL Films I get giddy and want to send LT a kilo of coke in the mail to say thanks.
  • Tony Danza-I hate Tony Danza for so many
    reasons I don't even know where to start. Mostly because on "Who's The Boss" he portrayed all the negative stereotypes of Italian men. He was dumb as a box of rocks, and to top it off he was A FUCKING MAID. For a while a friend of mine, Neil Bhandari, would go up to strangers at parties or walking down the street in Lincoln Park and tell them, "Did you hear the news? Tony Danza. Dead. S.I.G.S.W." (Self Inflicted Gun Shot Wound) When he told it to me the first time I practically kissed him I was so happy. I then punched him in the chest when I found out he was only fucking around. Much to my delight I'm not the only person who generally reacted in such fashion. Go ahead, next person you come across while walking down the street tell them Danza offed himself. $10 says they'll give you a high five. Now this asshole has his own talk show, which just goes to prove that any fucking idiot can have a talk show. I was flipping through the channels the other day and came across it. Tony was talking about parenting, and how different it is to raise kids today that it was when he was a kid. Ya, that's what America needs. Tony Danza giving tips on how to raise kids. Maybe we can get OJ Simpson his own talk show in which he counsels married couples on how to work through their problems.
  • Rosie O'Donnell-Do I really need to say anything here?
  • Tim McCarver-Never has there been a man who has made me want to blow
    my fucking head off while watching baseball as much as Tim McCarver. You wanna know why Bob Gibson threw so hard? He was trying to kill Tim McCarver. Then they started teaming him with Joe Buck and it was multiplied by a kabillion. My White Sox winning the World Series last year will forever be tainted due to the fact that I had to listen to Joe Buck and Tim McCarver call the games.
  • Zach De La Rocha-It's his fault Rage Against the Machine broke up and I will never forgive him for it.
  • Michael Barrett-For punching A.J. Pierzynski. Also I don't see how suspending him for 10 games is punishment. He plays for the Cubs. Giving him 10 days off is a blessing.
  • Mike Partipilo-We were best friends for years until he went and sold my bass guitar for some pot. Now everytime I see him I'm forced to restrain myself from choking the ever living hell out of him since he is the son of my dad's boss.
  • Ann Coulter-If Satan and Adolf Hitler had a daughter together, it would be Ann Coulter.
  • Jim Belushi-So if you don't have any discernible talent, yet still harbor a desire to be in the public spotlight, what are your options? Well you can either be born rich and then sleep with every man within a 100 mile radius of you who may be able to help, ala Paris Hilton. Or if that avenue just isn't available to you, take advantage of what is. Maybe your only other possible path to success is to have a brother who is talented. You just need him to get famous first, and then sit back and wait for him to overdose on drugs. Then when the world is hungry to get back what they once had from a talent they so sorely miss, you capitalize on that chance! Hey you've got the same last name, and you kinda look alike. Sure you aren't funny at all, but the people will force themselves to laugh at you, if only to help cope with their loss. Quick! Name one good thing Jim Belushi has done.
  • New York Yankees Fans-They are complete and utter douchebags.

That's it for now. More will be added later.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,

Tom

5 comments:

Zooks said...

What Ann Coulter doesn't get a pass for being hot?

Wait, she's blonde and titless, nm.

Rant on!

Fornelli said...

Ann Coulter is not hot by any means. Giver her Quadruple F's and I still wouldn't sleep with her with someone elses dick.

Zooks said...

GG Fornelli, what class.

Normandie Wilson said...

Yo, thanks for keeping it real.

Ann Coulter is indeed the spawn of Satan ... it's not too long before the rest of the world figures it out.

Anonymous said...

Tom - you are fucking IDIOT! - Just Saying