Keepin It Real Since 1980: Saturday Was a Long Day

It started at 6:30AM.

Waking up from my 3.5 hour slumber, I'd barely wiped the crust out of my eyes before Billy was calling me to let me know he was downstairs waiting. We were going paintballing to start off Tony's (Billy's brother) Bachelor Party festivities.

After the group met up at Dave, Tim, and Billy Marco's apartment (Over Brixie's) we were off to Realms of Ruin to shoot at each other. It was an hour drive, and I was cramped into the back seat of Billy's Nissan. Finally after driving through all these country backroads, and through some corn fields we were finally at our destination.

So we started playing at about 9AM. It was my first time ever going paint balling. I was supposed to have gone once a long time ago, but there were circumstances that caused me to miss it. (Those circumstances being me drinking an entire fifth of Jagermeister in just over a minute the night before at Mike Patterson's going away party. When I was awoken on Patterson's front room couch at 6:30AM that morning after being mistaken for dead, it was decided that I should probably just be dropped off at home instead of going on the trip.) So I was pretty excited.

Then I got shot in the neck.

Now luckily for me the shot just grazed my neck, and the paintball never exploded. Of course it hurts a lot worse to get hit by a paint ball that doesn't explode, than one that does. Some science mumbo-jumbo about force being displaced. Anyway I don't want to possibly make any of you smarter, so I won't get into it. You're here for stupid stories, not to learn anything.

I found out that I may just be Paintball proof. Very rarely did the paintball explode upon contact with my supple body. My first theory was that the guns just weren't strong enough, but they all seemed to explode just fine on everybody else.

This was great for me in that I could get shot a few times, and not have to go out since there was no evidence. As long as I didn't yell out in pain, nobody would know. The downside of course still being that it hurts like a bitch when they don't explode.

The worst shot I took was on my elbow. I wasn't smart enough to wear a long sleeve shirt, and therefore my forearms were left exposed. So the combination of a paint ball hitting me right on the elbow, and bare skin hurt like all absolute hell. My right arm felt like a tuning fork for about a minute. It was the only time I got shot and yelled out in pain. (Something I noticed everybody else did constantly. Pussies.)

There was one game we played in which I have no idea how Tim and I survived. Before the game as we were planning our "strategy" Tim and I noticed a bunker up on a little hill by the creek. We both decided that's where we would head, while the other members of our team went to the other side. Hopefully the other team would be stupid enough to go up the middle.

Well after trudging along ankle deep in the muddy banks along the creek (I felt like the creek was trying to eat me) we then crawled on our bellies to our bunker. When we got there we weren't too happy. From our original vantage point it looked larger, but upon closer inspection it was pretty tiny and didn't provide that much cover at all.

To make things worse my mask and glasses had fogged up from the humidity so bad that I couldn't see shit. Tim was 2 feet away from me, and I could barely make out his silhouette.

Of course the other team basically came upon the two of us, and only us, ignoring the rest of our team firing blindly across the field at them. (Nobody ever came to help us!!) So Tim decided that since I was blind, I should stay put while he went back down the hill towards the creek. While he was there and I was pinned to the ground by paint balls flying directly over head, I heard someone creeping through the bush getting closer. I let Tim know, and proceeded to lure them out. Every once in a while I would stick my head up and fire off a round in the general direction of the noise. My only purpose in this was to get them to come out, cuz Tim and I couldn't see them. (Hell, I couldn't see anything) After sticking my head up and quickly ducking 7 times, our prey finally emerged.

Billy Marco leapt out of the bushes with me in his sights, about 20 feet away. He had no idea what hit him when Timmy popped up from his left and unloaded into him. I shot him once in the chest, while Timmy shot him in the face, heart, and finally the throat.

"I was dead after the first one ya know!"

Then somehow, even though we were pinned in and under fire from 4 people, Tim and I survived the game and our team won.

The best game of all though was President. President is a game created just for bachelor parties by the park. In it the bachelor is the President. He has to pick any two people to be his bodyguards. The President then heads to one end of a very large field, body guards in tow. The mission is for the President to cross the field and capture the flag without being shot. Now everybody else are the ones trying to kill him.

There are a few catches though.

The body guards can never stray more than 10 feet from the President.
The body guards are immortal. No matter how many times they are shot, they must continue to protect the President.
The President is not allowed to carry a gun.

Tony chose Billy and Tim to be his bodyguards. As for the rest of us, our strategy was clear.

"Don't kill Tony. Just shoot Bill and Tim as much as fucking possible. Use all your paint."

That is exactly what we did.

The best part was when Bill decided it was smart to just come walking down a hill, completely exposed and coverless. The first shot that hit him was about an inch or two to the right of his balls.

Bill took that as a sign to turn around and run like hell. As Billy ran he was completely lit up by all of us. He's not sure how many times he was hit, just that it hurt.

Personally, I ran out of ammo I shot Billy in the back so many times.

Finally after a few more minutes Tony reached the flag pole, and the game was over.

After that it was back to the car for the drive home, and to clean up before the evening's festivities.

The rest of the party was back at Brixie's while we also kept a keg upstairs. Things happened at the bachelor party that shall stay there. I do have some pictures and video I can share with you all that aren't too incriminating though.

Tony after the entertainment left