Well thanks to the lovely folks over at the Smoking Gun, we now have Mel's mugshot.
No word on whether the officer taking the photo, or the camera itself were Jewish.
Keepin It Real Since 1980,
Tom
1980's bout with heat exhaustion?
DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYUM.
I do believe Lindsay just got served.
Listen, I know Lindsay is a spoiled little psycho.Keepin It Real Since 1980,
Tom
"Don't come out now Lance, not while you're still in the public eye. Wait til after your 15 minutes are over, THEN come out and do the talk show circuit. You'll be an inspiration!"
''I thank God they are doing it in a bar. I'm not sure I'd want them hunting anywhere near where I was hunting. They'd be a danger to me and the deer.''
The view from Section 320
Well Iguchi fouled a pitch off right towards our seats. It caromed off the facade above us and right at my chest.
"Bingo!" I thought to myself. I've never caught a foul ball in my life while at a baseball game. I remember one time when I was about 6 at the old Comiskey Park my dad took me and my cousin Anthony to a game.
There was a foul ball hit into an empty section of seats one section over from us. I sprinted over there to get the ball, and reached it. Once I got it though Anthony, who was 10 at the time, knocked me over and took it from me.
I still bring that up from time to time when I see Anthony. I don't care if he's 29 now with a wife and a son. I'm still bitter.
Now was my chance at redemption.
Still, I made a costly mistake. I never put down my beer.
No, I had to be Johnny Bad Ass, and one hand the foul ball while never spilling a drop of my precious Miller Genuine Draft. So as the ball came for me my dad reached out for it. It deflected off his arm and veered left, towards my beer arm. The ball hit me in the left shoulder and hit the ground between my feet. It started to roll away when I kicked at it to get it back in my direction.
As I kicked it though, 4 people reached between my legs to grab the ball. (That sounds dirty.) I got one hand on it, but never had possession of it. In the end, some dude in front of me got the ball and gave it to his young son.
My mom sensed my bitterness.
"Well wouldn't you have given it to the little kid anyway?"
"Hell no!!"
I then patted the little kid on the head,
"No offense little man."
Then I sat back down and stared into my beer with the evil eyes.
She had cost me my baseball. Of course no less than two seconds later I feel a hand on my shoulder and hear a familiar voice.
"You shoulda brought your glove."
It was Anthony Girardi from work. He had been in the same section as me the entire time but never noticed me until he saw me struggle for the foul ball.
"I called in. Don't tell anybody."
Oh, I won't Anthony....I won't.
All I was trying to do though, was Keep It Real. In the end I learned that maybe, just maybe, it's not always the right move to keep it real. It's a lesson Dave Chappelle tried to teach me a long time ago, but I was too young and cocky to listen.
But now I know.
Now I know.
***************
Also while at the game, sure this is the bastard who hit a 3 run homer against us, but he still has the prettiest swing I have ever seen.
And I mean that in the manliest way possible.
That's Minnesota Twin catcher Joe Mauer. They call him The Natural. He's just kinda fucking awesome. He only went 1-4 with 2 strikeouts in the game, but that one hit just happened to be a three run homer to put the game out of reach in the 7th inning.
The worst part is, going into the 6th inning with the White Sox ahead 2-0, I told my dad.
"See, now Vazquez (The White Sox pitcher) has thrown 5 terrific innings. That means in the next inning he's gonna give up at least 3 runs."*
*You'll notice in my White Sox Drinking Game rules, everytime Vazquez give up 3 or more runs in an inning, you gotta take a shot. It happens every game.
Then with a runner on, Michael Cuddyer hit a home run to right field. The next batter, Justin Morneau, hit a solo shot to right after him.
3-2 Twins.
I turned to my dad,
"I hate being right."
He just laughed.
Keepin It Real Since 1980,
Tom
Oh yes, it is THAT time of year. When the leaves turn colors, and drunken students return to campuses nationwide to cheer on their football teams. Just the thought of it brings a tear to my eye.
It's only July you say? Well no shit asshole, I'm talking about in the video game, not real life.
I know that most football video gamers tend to swear by Madden. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Madden too, but nothing tops the college game. They don't have the option offense in Madden!
I remember a few years ago, my friends and I had a long standing rivalry in college football. It was way back in the day of the original Playstation. The Leemer, Silvio, Billy, and I each took a team from the Big Ten and played in dynasty mode. Everyday after class at the lovely Triton Community College we would head to my house. Once there we would battle each other for hours on end before ending up at Denny's or Vu's house drinking.
The Teams
Before it was all said and done, we played through 14 seasons. Billy won the first 2 championships, and I won the last 12.
See, the Penn State roster I'd inherited in the game wasn't that strong. After 2 solid recruiting classes, I finally got my squad. I didn't lose A GAME for 8 seasons.
Ah...glory days.
Anyway, it's Friday and it's time for the Random Ten.
Keepin It Real Since 1980,
Tom
WHEN TO TAKE A SHOT
WHEN TO CHUG AN ENTIRE BEER
Warning:Tom Fornelli is not responsible for any cases of alcohol poisoning. Also if played correctly(And by correctly I mean you're taking a shot of whiskey, not Pucker. If you're drinking Pucker go watch a Cubs game, Sally.) you probably won't remember much that happens after the 4th inning.
If you have any other suggestions to add to the list, tell me in the comments section. If not, drink up and Go Sox!
Keepin It Real Since 1980,
Tom
"What happened to your balls!?"
"It was either Jersey Girl or a
vat of acid. I stand by my decision."
"Take me!"
It's a trailer for Clerks 2.
I remember having heard something about a sequel being made for this movie a while ago, but never put much stock into figuring it was just nothing more than your typical internet rumor bullshit.
Now I absolutely loved the original Clerks. It's one of my favorite movies of all time. I mean how can you not love a movie that includes the line:
"Try not to suck any dick on the way through the parking lot!"
Or such a beautiful song as Berzerker?
"My love for you is like a truck, BERZERKER! Would you like some making fuck, BERZERKER!"
Hell, seeing as I've spent all my working life in retail, serving the public, the movie was just perfect for me.
It is this love for the original Clerks that causes my absolute terror at the prospect of the sequel. It can only be worse. I would say disappointment, but I expect it to be horrible, so I can only be pleasantly surprised-which I won't be.
Why in the hell does this movie have to be made? Now I know that Hollywood isn't exactly new to the concept of pushing out shitty sequels just cuz they know they'll make money whether they're any good or not. It's just I thought Kevin Smith was better than that. (Edit:Now here is a sequel that HAD to be made.)
I mean I can forgive him for making a bad movie if it's just that, a bad movie, but this pisses me off.
See, even though I know it's going to be horrible, I HAVE to see it. I don't want to, I have to. It's like all those people that went to see Godfather 3. Everybody knew before they went in that they were gonna leave unhappy, but they had to see it.
I know that it'll be good for a few laughs, Smith is too good with dialogue to not make you laugh at least a few times, but there will be more pain. The truth is unless Rosario Dawson gets naked, this movie will do nothing to enhance the quality of anybody seeing it's life.
All it will do is take away 90 minutes and $10 that I'll never be able to get back.
$10 I could have spent on beer. Beer I'll need after seeing Clerks 2 to drown away the pain.
*************
Lost in all the fervor of Clerks 2 coming out on Friday, is the fact that World War III may have just started this week.
Let's look at the chain of events.
To be completely serious, all of this does scare me. For some reason I don't see this as just another in a long line of skirmishes in the Middle East. There's too much volatility in the world right now, and I get the feeling that the pot is about to boil over.
I mean I actually got into a discussion about this stuff with my mother of all people the other night. I NEVER talk to my mom about this kind of stuff, it was absolutely surreal. She asked me what I would do should WWIII start and I get drafted. After I explained to her that it wouldn't happen she asked,
"But what if it did?"
"Well I hear Canada has nice weather right about now."
She asked me why I wouldn't fight for my country, and I then had to explain to her that no American soldier has fought for this country since the Civil War. The rest of our soldiers have fought to preserve America's interests, nothing else.
Nazi's running Europe? Bad for business.
Communism taking over? Bad for business.
No control of Middle Eastern oil reserves? Bad for business.
Israel getting bombed? Bad for business.
Now in truth, I generally don't know much about world politics. I have a passing knowledge, but most of what I've learned is through the Daily Show or The Colbert Report. Still, even I'm not too blind to see all the pieces falling into place right now, and I am scared.
Keepin It Real Since 1980,
Tom
What do these four have in common? They're women. That's cool, I can dig that. I like the ladies. I also appreciate every single damn word they say, even when it's not nice. (Though that's seldom the case.)
But what's up fellas? Where you at? Balance out the estrogen for Christ's sake. Hrrrrrrrbek is man enough to comment occasionally, but the rest of you aren't.
Do you think that since you have a penis, commenting is beneath you? (No Billy, you don't need to pull it out to prove it.)
Well I know most of you, and as a result I know for a fact a lot of you aren't using your penis all that much right now. So why not type a comment with it? Get that lil guy some exercise. He'll show his appreciation for it later.
Some of you have told me you don't comment cuz if you have anything to say you can just tell me in person. Really? Is that what you want? You want to talk about my blog while we're out drinking at the bar?
"Hey Sil, check out the blonde over there in the corner."
"Ya she's aight. Hey, that Sugar Chronicles shit was hilarious!"
Makes you shudder doesn't it?
A few weeks ago I was at K-Dogg's birthday party, and caught myself talking about this damn blog with Laura and Erin. It wasn't due to either saying "I enjoy your blog." or something like that either. I did it of my own accord, and initiated it. I stopped myself as soon as I noticed it and went for more beer. I can't talk about my blog while swallowing beer.
So please, do me this small favor. Leave comments. Restore the lost art of conversation to Keepin It Real Since 1980.
I'm begging you.
Keepin It Real Since 1980,
Tom
I feel bad for disappointing him, so here are some gratuitous shots of semi nude women-Non Hairy Division.
Keepin It Real Since 1980,
Tom
So here is how I'm going to do it. I will take one band at a time, and then write a little review about each of their albums in chronological order. Now I'm not a music critic so my reviews aren't going to be the typical bullshit you usually get from these things. I won't discuss the deeper musical tones and chord progressions cuz frankly I don't know enough about any of that shit to sound even remotely competent. On top of all that, generally who gives a fuck about that shit? Only other music critics who probably masturbate to it.
Instead I'll just give my own personal thoughts, and maybe some insights into what specific songs meant to me at the time of their release. Like the album that I used to get over a girlfriend and a nasty breakup. That kind of stuff. Music on a more personal level.
So deciding the first band I would do this for was pretty simple. System of a Down has climbed the ranks of my music collection to the top where they keep a firm grip on "My Favorite Band" status. One need not look past my iTunes to realize this, as 13 of the Top 25 Played Songs in my library are System of a Down songs.
So let's begin.
System of a Down-System of a Down Released June 30th, 1998
I first heard about System of a Down in a chatroom way back in the day on AOL. I didn't have a computer in my house at the time, so I was at the Eighth Grader's house. (The Eighth Grader being Mike Partipilo. Member of the Keepin It Real Shit List.) These were back in my metal days, when I didn't listen to much else. I was pissed off at the world, for what I don't know, I think cuz I was s'posed to be. Anyway I was in a chatroom and some kid brought up a band I had never heard of called System of a Down. He said he had just seen them play in Philadelphia and that they were just awesome. He went on and on for like 2 hours talking about them. So one day about a year later I was in a Best Buy, and I happened upon System of a Down. Remembering them immediately from the previous chatroom conversation, and noticing a little yellow sticker that sported a price of $6.99 there was absolutely no way in hell I could pass this up. So I bought it and quickly headed home to listen to it. From the very first track, Suite-Pee, in which vocalist Serj Tankian went from a high pitched falsetto to a bass heavy bark repeatedly, I knew I was in for a wild ride. System of a Down had done something that not many bands had done before them, nor have since. They had a sound that was unlike anything I had ever heard before. I couldn't call it metal, I couldn't call it punk, I couldn't call it anything. I remember describing it to Silvio, and leaving him absolutely clueless cuz I didn't know what to say. All I could do was play it for him. The entire album is completely schizophrenic, but in a way that makes absolute sense. Plus, unlike the majority of bands I was listening to at the time, the songs were of a political tone, not just pointless anger. System of a Down actually changed me in a way that helped me get from the stupid angry teenager, to the somewhat smarter, more sophisticated idiot that sits here before you today. It made me think about things, and I think that's what good music does, it changes you forever.
Three Favorite Tracks
System of a Down-Toxicity Released September 4th, 2001
It's a good thing I liked SOAD's first album, cuz they took over three god damn years to come out with a second one. This was mostly due to the fact it took a while for System of a Down to take off cuz it was so weird. Finally the single, Sugar, took off and then SOAD went touring for a long time to support the album. Finally the band released the first single from their second album, Chop Suey!, and I knew the wait was worth it. I still can't make sense of what the hell the verse is supposed to mean, but I think that's the point.
Wake up!/Grab a brush and put on a lil makeup/Hide the scars that fade away the shake up/Why'd you leave the keys upon the table?/Here you go create another fable-You wanted to!
Though Toxicity isn't as eccentric as the band's first effort, it was more poignant and polished. The lyrics were more to the point and the politics of the band were apparent from the first track, Prison Song; in which the band argues for changes in America's drug policy all while reciting facts about the numbers of Americans in prison and includes the repeated line-They're trying to build a prison!- For you and me. The album's main subject though is the band's home city of LA. It is the Toxic City in which the album is named for. Songs on this album range from every topic from tapeworm removal (Needles), and the Armenian genocide (X), to science's effect on the Earth (Science), and insane coke addled groupies (Psycho). This album would stand up as my favorite SOAD album for 4 years.
Three Favorite Tracks
System of a Down-Steal This Album! Released November 26th, 2002
This album was really nothing more than a collection of songs the band recorded during the Toxicity sessions, and just didn't make the album. In fact I had heard about half this album cuz the tracks were included on the bootleg version of Toxicity Kevin had burned me before it's actual release. Considering the fact that all these songs are essentially B-sides, it's a very strong effort. There really isn't a terrible song in the bunch, but at the same time there is no huge standout. The album was released a year after 9/11 (Notice Toxicity came out exactly a week BEFORE 9/11) and included new songs (Boom!) that centered around the US being in Afghanistan, and the impending war with Iraq. It proved once again, that SOAD is not afraid to voice their opinion, no matter how far left or right it may be.
Three Favorite Tracks
System of a Down-Mezmerize Released May 17th, 2005
Again SOAD tortured me with a 2.5 year wait until the release of a new album. This one was to be a double album, with each disc released 6 months apart. The first one, Mezmerize, absolutely blew me away. I had started to get to that point that I think every music fan get's to at some point when they love a band. Wondering, "Is this the album that they start to suck?" It generally happens to every band at some point, and only a few come back from Suckdom. Of course once I heard the first single, B.Y.O.B. (Bring Your Own Bombs), I knew this album wouldnt be it. Featuring a chorus of
Everybody's going to the party/Have a real good time/Dancing in the desert/Blowing up the sunshine
And then everybody's favorite questions,
Why do they always send the poor?/Why don't Presidents fight the wars?
It was quite apparent that the band hadn't lost it's zeal for politics and peace advocate nature. Listening to the entire album though, there isn't even a song on it in my opinion that ranks below Awesome. You know, like when a band puts out a great album, but there's always that one song on it that you just don't like and skip over? Well this album doesn't have that song. In fact doing the Top 3 for this album will be incredibly hard for me, as I love every single fucking song on it. Revenga, Cigaro, Radio/Video, This Cocaine Makes Me Feel Like I'm On This Song(BTW, that's up for greatest song title of all time),Violent Pornography, Question!, Sad Statue, Old School Hollywood, Lost in Hollywood, they're all fucking great. If I were to be stranded on a desert island, and could only choose 5 albums to bring with me for all eternity, Mezmerize would be on that island with me.
Three Favorite Tracks (Only cuz I have to)
System of a Down-Hypnotize Released November 22nd, 2005
Remember the question from the last album? Is this the one where the band starts to suck? Well with Hypnotize, System of a Down get dangerously close. Where as there are enough good songs on here to salvage it, it just feels like Steal This Album! should have felt. Instead of a B-Side album coming across as a full blown studio effort, the studio effort came across as the B-side album. When you listen to it there really isn't a song strong enough to be a single. I don't hate this album by any means, but of all five System albums, this is by far my least favorite.
Three Favorite Tracks
System of a Down is:
Tony chose Billy and Tim to be his bodyguards. As for the rest of us, our strategy was clear.
"Don't kill Tony. Just shoot Bill and Tim as much as fucking possible. Use all your paint."
That is exactly what we did.
The best part was when Bill decided it was smart to just come walking down a hill, completely exposed and coverless. The first shot that hit him was about an inch or two to the right of his balls.
Bill took that as a sign to turn around and run like hell. As Billy ran he was completely lit up by all of us. He's not sure how many times he was hit, just that it hurt.
Personally, I ran out of ammo I shot Billy in the back so many times.
Finally after a few more minutes Tony reached the flag pole, and the game was over.
After that it was back to the car for the drive home, and to clean up before the evening's festivities.
The rest of the party was back at Brixie's while we also kept a keg upstairs. Things happened at the bachelor party that shall stay there. I do have some pictures and video I can share with you all that aren't too incriminating though.
Tony after the entertainment left
Yes that is the elastic to his boxers on his head.
Tony and I
Since he was the bachelor, it was decided Tony should have to play with Tim on his back.
Tony taking a shot
Tony savoring that shot
Tony feeling that shot
Finally, here is some video shot by Dave on my digital camera of Billy, Tony and I taking down some Irish Car Bombs.
Keepin It Real Since 1980,
Tom
*************
As far as what's on tap for this weekend, I'm not entirely too sure what I'm doing tonight. The White Sox are playing the Red Sox, so you can pry bet that will be part of my plans.
Tomorrow I'm going paintballing with BillyB as part of his brother Tony's Bachelor Party festivities. Unfortunately we will not be playing against a team of strippers.
I'm ok with that though because I'm just excited to FINALLY be able to use something I learned during my days at Proviso West High School in the real world.
Shooting a gun at another human being.
Keepin It Real Since 1980,
Tom
A.J. Pierzynski was announced as the winner in the American League. Minnesota Twin pitcher Francisco Liriano finished a close second in what MLB said was the closest final vote in the 5 year history of the contest. Nomar Garciaparra won the National League vote.
Early numbers have been released, and as of now AJ trails Minnesota Twin Francisco Liriano. Sure Liriano is 9-1 with a 1.99 ERA, but he sucks. Plus we know that he can't take a right hook like AJ can. Liriano isn't batting .329 either, but AJ is.
I'll bet you'll never guess which areas of the country AJ is getting killed in.
Voting is until 6PM eastern standard time tomorrow, July 6th.
Vote god dammit!!!
Keepin It Real Since 1980,
Tom
