"Stop it!!"

Just a quick reminder that there is absolutely nothing funnier than when a friend gets seriously hurt.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,

Tom

Here's Your Fucking Post

Yes I know it's been about 10 days since I last put anything here, but there's a reason for it.

I haven't had shit to say. Nothing that happened in my life or the world seemed to garner enough interest from myself to write about it. It's not that I'm not writing, quite the contrary. I'm writing all the time, I'm just doing it on my sports blog. I write like at least 3 posts a day over there.

At times last week I debated with just forcing some shitty post on this site to keep people happy, but when you think about it, that's not keeping it real is it? No that's keeping it updated. I have been writing so many sports entries that the idea of just shutting this puppy down over here crossed my mind. I was talked away from that idea though, so if you want you can all thank Panger for that.

Here is what's going to happen though. Of my 2 blogs, I only take one seriously. That's the sports one. That's the one I enjoy writing, and actually don't mind doing "work" on. This blog is and always has been just a outlet for me when I have something no sports related to say. I've never been a daily poster here, and never will be. If I was it would probably become the most boring blog of all blogs, cuz it would be filled with

"I had a bowl of Raisin Bran crunch this morning for breakfast. I spilled some milk on my blanket, and got pissed off cuz I then had to wash it. I then took a shower and cleansed myself of the dirty."

If you do want an actual interesting story about me from this weekend though, I will share it. Obviously this story won't be very long cuz I don't remember much. We had a suprise party for my sister on Saturday night for her graduation at Citizen Bar downtown. I got REALLY drunk. Like hardly walk drunk. So I got home and realized I didn't have my keys. My sister had her keys at Joe's house. So she left me laying in the front yard so her and Joe could go get her keys and she'd let me in. Well after they left I was intelligent enough to know I probably shouldn't just lay in the yard. Cops drive down my street rather frequently, and I didn't want one to see me. So I got up and walked to the side of the building, and found myself a nice new spot of lawn to lay down in.

I passed out as soon as head hit grass.

So my sister comes back and sees I'm gone. She goes into the apartment to make sure I got up there, and upon seeing my bedroom door closed assumes I got in and went to sleep.

She leaves.

So I spent the entire night sleeping outside on the lawn.

It was very comfortable. The rain from earlier in the evening made the ground nice and soft....like a cloud. A cloud covered in mud and grass.

I'm debating sleeping out there again tonight.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,
Tom

Nine Things I've Thought About This Week

1. If one more person drops out of the Full Tilt Forum fantasy football league just a few weeks before the draft I will fucking kill somebody. In the last three days I've lost three people-ARay, Skortch, and now Hrbek. Aaron actually warned me a few weeks ago, it just now became official. Skortch and Hrbek are on the temporary Keepin It Real Shit List. I've never made public the temporary list, cuz it's temporary so I have a hard time remembering who's on it. Yes, I know that makes the whole thing pretty fucking pointless, but I didn't ask for you're fuckin thoughts did I?

2. I hate people who tell you what they think when you don't give a fuck about what they think.

3. I would like to eat dinner off of Jessica Biel's ass.

4. With all the talk about possibly adding 3 planets to our solar system, and all the fighting on this one....maybe we should change the name of Uranus to Ouranus. It's just more inclusive and something we can all share. Can't you just picture Israel and Hezbollah getting along afterwards? "Hey, maybe the Holy Land is yours, maybe its ours. All that really matters is we'll always have Ouranus."

5. It's embarassing enough that I've never been cool enough to blow smoke rings, even though I smoked for like 8 fucking years. It's even worse when a couple of my non smoking friends can do it no problem. Then Mount Etna has to go and kick me while I'm down.

6. I want to bounce up and down on Lindsay Lohan's breasts from one to the other for hours on end until I get tired and fall asleep between them. I also love the fact that she never seems to care that people with cameras are following her around all the time.

7. I really need to write a post explaining to people the difference between being an asshole and being a douchebag. A lot of people seem to get the two confused.

8. I saw a t-shirt today that said "Stewart/Colbert 08" and I finally had an urge to register to vote.

9. Everybody's making a big deal about Snakes on a Plane, but I have a movie that would be a billion times better. It's a cross of SOAP, Titanic, and Bram Stoker's Dracula. It's called Vampire Sea Spiders on a Boat. Say it with me everybody! "GET THESE MUTHAFUCKIN VAMPIRE SEA SPIDERS OFF THIS MUTHAFUCKIN BOAT!!"

Friday Random Ten

1. Break Ya Neck-Busta Rhymes
2. New American Classic-Taking Back Sunday
3. At Least That's What You Said-Wilco
4. Hit the Switch-Bright Eyes
5. Strange Condition-Pete Yorn
6. Walking After You-Foo Fighters
7. Here In My Room-Incubus
8. Cleaning Out My Closet-Eminem
9. Stupid Girl-Garbage
10. All Along the Watchtower-Jimi Hendrix

If You Didn't Already Know, Some People Are REALLY Fucking Stupid

I was playing a tournament on Full Tilt, and this hand came up.

Full Tilt Poker Game #902045619: $10 + $1 Tournament (5873267), Table 1 - 20/40 - Pot Limit Omaha Hi/Lo - 1:41:03 ET - 2006/08/16
Seat 1: TomFornelli (1,350)
Seat 2: Floppy McNutz (1,500)
Seat 3: steady flowin (1,365)
Seat 4: CSTACKS26 (1,875)
Seat 5: KrazedAce (766)
Seat 6: turtle083 (2,162)
Seat 7: Rebelicious (1,260)
Seat 8: WillieDM3 (1,722)
Seat 9: Strasse (1,230)
Rebelicious posts the small blind of 20
WillieDM3 posts the big blind of 40
The button is in seat #6
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to TomFornelli [Kd 7s Ah Kc]
Strasse folds
TomFornelli calls 40
Floppy McNutz folds
steady flowin calls 40
CSTACKS26 folds
KrazedAce calls 40
turtle083 calls 40
Rebelicious folds
WillieDM3 checks
*** FLOP *** [9c Jd Js]
WillieDM3 checks
TomFornelli checks
steady flowin checks
KrazedAce checks
turtle083 checks
*** TURN *** [9c Jd Js] [Jc]
WillieDM3 checks
TomFornelli bets 110
steady flowin calls 110
KrazedAce folds
turtle083 folds
WillieDM3 folds
*** RIVER *** [9c Jd Js Jc] [Qc]
TomFornelli bets 220
steady flowin calls 220
*** SHOW DOWN ***
TomFornelli shows [Kd 7s Ah Kc] (a full house, Jacks full of Kings)
steady flowin shows [8c 8s 2c Jh] (four of a kind, Jacks)
steady flowin wins the pot (880) with four of a kind, Jacks
Strasse stands up
No low hand qualified
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot 880 Rake 0
Board: [9c Jd Js Jc Qc]


Followed by this chat.

TomFornelli: did you just value call quads?
steady flowin: got chips right?
CSTACKS26: lol
TomFornelli: u sure did chief
TomFornelli: nh

Here's a purty picture.

If you're not familiar with poker, lemme explain. If you have 4 of a kind....you aren't going to be beat about 99.999999999999% of the time. So the fact that he only called my bet, instead of raising me is what makes him so stupid.

When you have the best hand you don't just call, you raise and try to get more money.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,
Tom

Wish Harder Next Time

Well by the time the tournament started there were 726 players in it and the prize for first place was $34,848.

I was better than half the field!!

I finished in 355th. I was doin pretty good when I got coolered shortly before the second break. I was in the small blind with 96 and the button called, I called and the big blind checked.

The flop came 2 6 9, no suits.

I bet, got raised, button called, I reraised, and both called me.

Turn came a 4 putting a diamond draw out there. I bet, got two calls.

River came an ace, I bet, got one call, the button raised, I called, and the big blind called.

The button showed 22 for a set of twos, I mucked my two pair, and the big blind mucked his 92. So that means the button hit the case 2.

Heartbreak.

After that it was pray for a hand good enough to go in on, and it never came. Finally settled on 10-9 in the BB and went up against KQ. He flopped Q, good game me.

I also finished my fantasy football draft. This draft is the first of 4 that I'll be in this season. It's a public league on CBSSportsline. Here are my 4 leagues and the buy ins.

1. $100 Public league on CBS. This is the one I just finished drafting in.
2. $175 American Fantasy Football League. This is the league I've been in the longest, and I share ownership of Swamp Nutz with Billy. We did so good last season we got the first pick this year!!
3. $25 league I've started with a bunch of people I work with. This will be the leagues first year of existence.
4. $10 Full Tilt Forum Fantasy Football League. It's the second year for this league filled with members of Full Tilt Forum. Panger won last season's championship.

Anyway, here's the team I drafted tonight.

• Peyton Manning-QB
• Ben Roethlisberger-QB
• Domanick Davis-RB
• Reggie Bush-RB
• Rueben Droughns-RB
• Thomas Jones-RB
• Eddie Kennison-WR
• Rod Smith-WR
• Muhsin Muhammed-WR
• Heath Miller-TE
• Marcus Pollard-TE
• Jeff Wilkins-K
• Baltimore Ravens-Def.
• Kansas City Chiefs-Def.

They made me draft two tight ends which pissed me off. I kinda need some depth at wide receiver there. If I had to guess how my team is going to do, well....let's just say here's hoping Peyton Manning throws for 40 touchdowns, cuz it's pry the only way I'll win.

Unless Reggie Bush blows up.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,

Tom

Wish Me Luck

Earlier in the day I qualified to play in a tournament tonight. That tournament is Event #2 of the Full Tilt Online Poker Series.

It's a $200 Limit Hold Em tournament with a guaranteed prize pool of $75,000. As of now there are about 300 players signed up, but there's still some time until the start. (8PM Central)

First place will pay at least $18,750.

As if that wasn't enough, at 9PM I have an online Fantasy Football draft. My team's name is the Sheckshee Bashturds.

Here's our logo.

As if those two events weren't enough, tonight's also the debut of Monday Night Football on ESPN, and I want to see how Tony Kornheiser does.

Add to that the fact that the White Sox play tonight, and one would have to wonder,

"How DO you do it Tom?"

Skills.

MAD skills.

"Can you teach me how to be like you?"

No. Not because I can't, but because you just aren't worthy.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,
Tom

A Post Where Tom Pretends He Knows Enough About Movies To Critique Them

Well what the fuck do you want? It's a Sunday, the fact I'm even posting is against my religion.

Anyway, it's been a while since I said anything about any of the movies I've seen lately. My Netflix is still pissing me off though. I read from a poster named Zerbet on Full Tilt Forum that supposedly what Netflix does is intentionally delay your returned DVD's when you're going through them too quickly, and you're renting the better known titles.

I think he's right, cuz for some reason it takes a week for a movie I return from home to get to Park Ridge, Illinois. Park Ridge is a whopping 15 miles away. So what that means is that either mail moves 2 miles a day, or Netflix is fucking me.

Thank you Netflix. I guess if you let me rent 20 movies a month you wouldn't be making any money, so while I respect your right to make a profit, please respect mine to tell you to go fuck yourselves.

Anyway, onto the movies.

Syriana
Basically this movie is about a CIA operative (George Clooney) working in the Middle East who does CIA things while in the Middle East. The real point of the movie is to show just how far our country goes for that black gold and Texas Tea. It's kinda topical dontcha think? The four main ingredients of the movie are oil, money, terrorism and power. On the whole I thought it was a good movie, but not spectacular. George Clooney was good in it and deserves his Supporting Actor Oscar. Personally my favorite scene was when Clooney gets his fingernails ripped off. Just as I was starting to lose interest ....RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIP. That's how you keep somebody's attention dammit. 3 out of 5 stars

Dave Chappelle's Block Party
Since there is no more Chappelle's Show, and the Lost Episodes should have stayed lost, I miss Dave. So I rented this flick hoping to see some funny. While there was some funny, it was really nothing but a concert film with some kinda funny footage thrown in. As for the musical acts, I guess it's kinda cool to see the Fugees reunite....if you were a big fan of theirs. Personally I wasn't, but I do like a lot of Wyclef's solo stuff. Other acts include Common, Kanye West, Erykah Badu, Jill Scott, Mos Def, Talib Kweli, Dead Prez, and any other hip hop with a conscience act on Earth show up at some point. Highlights of the movie are when Dave visits an old ass hippie couple whom time and LSD have really taken a toll on, and Dave explaining how he knew the DC sniper was black. "The guy was taking weekends off man!" 2 out of 5 stars.

Garden State
I really liked this movie. It's about Andrew Largeman (Scrubs' Zach Braff, who also directed it) and his return home after 10 years for his mothers funeral. It's also the first time in his life that he's stopped taking the anti-depressants that his psychologist father has forced him to take his entire life. As a result he starts to actually experience life instead of sleepwalk through it. He meets a girl (Natalie Portman) falls in love, and discovers what life is all about. Normally a movie with that kind of description would make me want to puke, but this movie didn't do that at all. Maybe it's cuz I've long been bothered by the fact that our society seems to accept the notion that the best way to help a person deal with their problems is to load them up on so many drugs they can't feel feelings. That's what beer is for god dammit!! Stop cutting into beer's territory!! My favorite scene was when Braff takes ecstacy at his millionairre (He invented silent velcro....brilliant.) friend's party. 4 out of 5 stars.

Ocean's 12
Christ, talk about a movie that didn't need to be made. It sucked. The first one was good, even though the heist was preposterous the cast and writing still made it work. In the sequel the plot is even more ridiculous, and Soderbergh and his cast don't get away with it a second time. The first movie seemed stylish and cool, while this one just felt smarmy and off base. In other words if Ocean's Eleven was Jon Stewart, Ocean's Twelve is Bill O'Reilly. The highlight of this movie was the end credits. 2 out of 5 stars.

Meet the Fockers
I fully expected this movie to suck, and it didn't. It wasn't great by any means, but it had enough laughs in it to keep you from getting bored. Also I do believe it's the first time I saw Barbra Streisand for more than 5 minutes and didn't want to kill myself and everyone else within a 50 foot radius. The one thing I wonder is if Robert DeNiro has anything left in his acting arsenal besides the scrunchy face. It's like he's become a parody of himself. No real highlights for me, as the movie seemed to maintain it's solid B- rating throughout. 3 of 5 stars.

The Bourne Supremacy
I read all these Robert Ludlum books in grade school, and really like them. With the movie franchise I've been pleasantly surprised so far, cuz generally books I love become shitty movies. The Bourne Supremacy wasn't as good as The Bourne Identity, but it was by no means bad. In the plot this time Jason Bourne (Matt Damon...fuck that's the third movie in this entry with Matt Damon in it. I think it's time I looked in the mirror and asked myself some tough questions...) is framed in a murder of some CIA operatives in Berlin. The problem is Bourne has disappeared "off the grid" in India with Marie. Well, the bad guys find him, try to kill him, and then set off the whole chain of events leading to Bourne going back to Europe to try to clear his name and kill some people in the process. As all spy movies should, this movie features a pretty sweet car chase scene. Also, in case you're wondering, Bourne survives. Hope I didn't play spoiler, but c'mon people, it's hard to have a third movie with a dead main character. 4 of 5 stars.

Bend It Like Beckham
I know what you're thinking, but you'd be surprised. This movie was pretty damn good! The only reason I even watched it was cuz there was absolutely nothing else on, but I'm glad I did. It's just a typical coming of age comedy, but it's well done. Jess (Parminder K Nagra) is a soccer obsessed girl who's Indian family isn't too keen on her hobby. Jess meets Jules (Keira Knightley...you know Knightley would be A LOT hotter if she didn't remind me of the Bic pen I'm chewing on as we speak. EAT SOMETHING WOMAN.) who invites her to play on a soccer team. Jess does, and sneaks around behind her parent's backs, scores some goals, falls in love with her coach, gets hammered in Germany and bends it like Beckham. It's a formula that's been done a million times, but this time it's with soccer and Indians. Highlight is when Jules' mother gets confused and thinks her daughter is a lesbian. 4 of 5 stars.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,
Tom

Go Fish

Here in Chicago there's been a story in the newspapers, and on the news and it's pissing me off a little bit.

On Monday afternoon Chicago police shot a 14 year old named Ellis Woodland in the Cabrini Green section of the city. Woodland is alive, but not in the greatest condition. The story is that Woodland and a friend alledgedly tried to rob some kid, who then ran and told some local police.

There are a lot of police officers patrolling Cabrini at any given time. The city is trying to renovate the entire area and change it into a mixed income neighborhood by adding high rises and other housing.

The city is going about the project in an unpopular, controversial way that prompts the current residents to feel like they're being driven out and generally leads to a lot of animosity. Animosity that boils over.

Back to the story.

After finding Woodland running behind a Best Buy the police pursued him. Now according to 3 witnesses Woodland reached into his pocket or waistband and pointed a gun at two officers.

The gun was a Daisy PowerLine Model-a BB gun.

The thing is, the BB gun looks A LOT like a real gun.

The cops, as they're prone to do when somebody points a gun at them, opened fire.

Ever since there has been a lot of outrage and protests in the Cabrini Green area. Residents, mostly black, are pretty upset by the whole thing. Based on the way residents have been treated there in the past, it's completely understandable that they're frustrated.

My problem is that the race card is being played in a situation in which it holds absolutely no ground. I don't care if your black, white, latino, asian or a god damn pigeon. If you pull a gun on a cop, the cop will shoot at you.

If it had been me who pulled the gun, I would have been shot. The difference is I'm not stupid enough to pull a gun and aim it at a couple of cops.

The fact that Woodland IS black and does live in a rough neighborhood should have been all the more reason for him NOT to pull the gun. I mean I wouldn't walk through the streets of Compton shouting "White Power!!" while twirling a noose over my head.

That's just begging to get shot.

Woodland had two other completely viable options. One would have been to just run like hell and hope that he actually got away, and the other would have been to surrender. Neither of which would have resulted in getting shot 4 times.

From what family and friends say, Woodland is a pretty good kid. He hasn't really ever been in any trouble before, and is an A-B student. His father, also named Ellis Woodland, is a former gang member who's had his own number of run ins with the law. In his own words he says that he has a couple of bad kids, but Ellis isn't one of them.

It's a real shitty thing that happened, and I hope the kid can pull through. But please don't pull the race card out on this one. I'm sure there are plenty of injustices dealt out on the residences of Cabrini Green on a daily basis that need to be looked at and dealt with accoringly, but don't start the "they wouldn't have shot him if he was white," bullshit. It's just going to distract the focus from where the problems with police in Cabrini Green really are, and in the end nothing will get changed.

***************

Friday Random Ten

1. Waiting In Vain-Bob Marley and The Wailers
2. Suffocate-Cold
3. Smoke Two Joints-Sublime
4. Consequence-Incubus
5. Big Balls-AC/DC
6. Do the Evolution-Pearl Jam
7. Big Bad John-Johnny Cash
8. The End-The Doors
9. Through the Wire-Kanye West
10. Nobody Puts Baby in the Corner-Fall Out Boy

Keepin It Real Since 1980,

Tom

Yankee Fans are Insufferable Douchebags

douchebag: noun.-An individual who has an over-inflated sense of self worth, compounded by a low level of intelligence, behaving ridiculously in front of friends and colleagues with no sense of how moronic he appears.


So many things I could talk about from last night's 6-5 White Sox win over the Yankees in 11 innings. I could get overly optimistic and write about how the dramatic victory will propel the White Sox to win 20 out of their next 22 and chase down those Detroit Tigers.

I could write about how Jermaine Dye came through in the clutch, yet again.

Maybe I could wax poetic about the moment Paul Konerko hit that game-tying (season saving? oops, wait, said I wouldn't go there) 9th-inning home run off of the greatest closer to ever play this game.

Or the fact that the Sox closer Bobby Jenks turned into the long man last night goin 2.2 IP and only giving up one hit while striking out five to keep the Sox in it.

All would be worthy subjects but I'm going to talk about none of them. In fact, I'm not going to talk about anybody who played in the game (except for A-Rod) at all.

Nope, I'm going to talk about douchebags.

One type of douchebag in particular. The A-Rod Hating Yankee Fan Genus of douchebag.

I don't have a problem with fans getting on a player's case when he's not performing, especially when that player is making $27 million this season.

But I do have a problem when it's completely unwarranted.

This is a typical day for A-Rod, the most hated man in baseball: he gets booed more than Barry Bonds and Brett Myers. The former, a world class asshole and suspected cheat, the latter, a wife beater and a Phillie.

The catch is A-Rod gets booed more at Yankee Stadium than anywhere else.

Why?

Cuz Yankees fans are douchebags, that's why. They claim he isn't clutch, yet he leads the Majors in game-winning hits and RBIs this season. Sure he may not do it in as dramatic a fashion as David Ortiz but they all count the same. So was I surprised last night when on some message boards and sports blogs I see comments like this?

From Deadspin,

"Fuck A-Rod. That looked like as much effort on the foul ball that he put into slapping [Bronson]Arroyo."

What this DB Yankee fan is referring to is a foul ball Jermaine Dye popped up down the left field line in the 11th inning. A-Rod was unable to catch the ball, and it irked this DB.

This DB has apparently chosen to ignore the fact that A-Rod had to run about 210 feet with his back to the plate in foul territory of a park he's unaccustomed to notorious for its crazy wind patterns. Most visiting outfielders hate playing at US Cellular due to the wind.

Also, he ignores the fact that, even if A-Rod had been able to get to the ball, he would have had to make the catch over his shoulder basket-style a la Willie Mays.

And let's forget to ask where the hell Yankee left fielder Melky Cabrera was in all of this. He had the easiest play on the ball but gave up on it when he thought it was well into the seats, but there are those crazy wind patterns again. So since A-Rod never gave up on it and made an actual effort to get to the ball, he's blamed for it dropping.

And, of course, when Dye hit the game- winning single 2 pitches later, A-Rod is quickly blamed for the loss. I'm sure it had absolutely nothing to do with Johnny Damon essentially rolling the ball in from center field trying to "throw" out Tadahito Iguchi. Seriously, how many hops can one throw make? I counted 18.

Let's look at what A-Rod did throughout the rest of the game to cost the Yankees a win.

He went 3-3 with 2 walks, a home run, a run scored and 2 RBI.His home run came in the 4th inning to give the Yankees a 4-3 lead right after Alex Cintron put the Sox ahead in the bottom of the third. Another one of those meaningless A-Rod home runs that don't mean anything, huh, Yankee fans? All it did was steal any momentum the Sox had and put you guys in the lead. What an asshole.

Then in the 8th inning with Jeter on second and Abreu on first, A-Rod singled up the middle off of Mike MacDougal and would have given the Yankees a 5-4 lead if Jeter wasn't held at third. Of course, it's A-Rod's fault Jeter was held too, I'm sure. Jason Giambi would come up next and lean into a pitch to give the Yankees a 5-4 lead.

Now here's the biggest crime of the whole thing. Giambi is a hero at Yankee Stadium. Keep in mind this guy is an admitted steroid user who, after a horrible season, started using HGH to build his body back up and is now a hero for his courageous comeback story, receiving standing ovations constantly. Did I mention he's batting .254?

Are you starting to see why I hate Yankees fans?

A-Rod singlehandedly keeps the Yankees in the game and he's an asshole. Jason Giambi leans into a pitch with the bases loaded, probably after shooting a gallon of HGH into his ass and he's a hero.

No Yankee fan will mention that Jeter went 1-5, Johnny Damon 0-5, or that Jorge Posada went 0-5 with 4 left on base. Nope, all they want to talk about is A-Rod.

Posada and Jeter get carte blanche cuz they have the rings. Well, here's a wake up call to all you stubborn, ignorant Yankee fans still living off of your World Series heroes.

The following teams all have a shorter World Series "drought" than you:

• Chicago White Sox
• Boston Red Sox
• Florida Marlins
• Anaheim Angels
• Arizona Diamondbacks

That's right. One team who hadn't won one in 88 years. Another who hadn't won one in 86 years, and happens to be your mortal enemy. Two teams that weren't in existence fifteen years ago(the Diamondbacks weren't even around 10 years ago), both of whom beat your Yankees doing it. And finally, a team that doesn't even know where in the hell they even play anymore.

But keep on living in the past, you douchebags. It's probably A-Rod's fault you haven't won in six years, too.

What really makes you all douchebags is I don't like A-Rod either but here I am having to defend him against you a-holes.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,
Tom

Having a Bad Day?

If you are, then watch this following YouTube clip. You'll forget about anything in your world that's bothering you and just soak up all the feel good coming from it.

I completely stole this clip from Captain Caveman over at Karmic Payback, and keep in mind CC is fully trained in all sorts of ways to kill your Humble Blogger. I'm risking my life here, but that's a step I'm willing to take for you my readers.



Keepin It Real (Fucking Gay) Since 1980,
Tom

Random Links

Cuz I'm too lazy to actually write stuff at the moment.

• Here's a blog I find to be absolutely fantastic. Maybe you will too. Karmic Payback.
• I knew I shouldn't have listened to all that fucking John Denver in high school.
• Weezer started the nerd rock trend, and now we have nerd rap.
• Panger has some advice for all of you aspiring shoplifters over at Petulant Times.
• Kissing Suzy Kolber is a great football blog that I recommend all you NFL fans read. Here is their 2006 preview of the Green Bay Packers.
• This is the crotch Tom Brady is just DYING to put his hands in. (Self promotion alert.)
• This just in...Paris Hilton is a lying whore. In this link she makes the claim about being celibate and compares herself to Princess Di. Then this pic surfaces last week.

Am I the only one who notices Stavros' belt and pants are pulled down below his hips, and she's straddling him? I guess if you do it secretly in public it doesn't count?

Need A New Car?

Greg sent me this video of a place that has great deals and promotions.



EDIT:I've been informed that the video isn't showing to everybody. If you can't see it either, you can find it here.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,
Tom

Ain't That a Bitch?

Full Tilt Poker Game #872837612: $6,000 Guarantee (5663673), Table 52 - 100/200 - No Limit Hold'em - 15:33:10 ET - 2006/08/07
Seat 1: ks1112 (2,030)
Seat 2: stoop (7,230)
Seat 3: munhoz_marcelo (13,920)
Seat 4: Jamezz_Het (5,920)
Seat 5: Zuludogg (2,050)
Seat 6: shannon2100 (3,675)
Seat 7: JerseyJude (2,460)
Seat 8: dbwjgr20 (2,850)
Seat 9: TomFornelli (8,460)
dbwjgr20 posts the small blind of 100
TomFornelli posts the big blind of 200
The button is in seat #7
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to TomFornelli [Ac As] (Bout fucking time I got this hand! It's been days.)
ks1112 folds
stoop folds
munhoz_marcelo folds
Jamezz_Het folds
Zuludogg raises to 600
shannon2100 folds
JerseyJude folds
dbwjgr20 folds
TomFornelli calls 400 (2 reasons I only smooth call, 1. This guy is short stacked. If I call he has to go all in on flop, if I raise I'm giving him a chance to fold. 2. I shaved this morning and I believe in continuity.)
*** FLOP *** [4d 3d 3h]
TomFornelli checks
Zuludogg checks (Pry has like AK or AQ. If he had 44 he would pry go all in preflop, not really wanting a call)
*** TURN *** [4d 3d 3h] [Ad]
TomFornelli checks (Oh Tom, you sly devil!)
Zuludogg checks (Hmmmmmmm)
*** RIVER *** [4d 3d 3h Ad] [8h]
TomFornelli bets 1,450 (So at this point I am not really sure what to put him on. Maybe A-rag and he's scared of it. So my thought process is "How much should I bet here to make him think I'm completely full of shit?" So I bet what he has left.)
Zuludogg calls 1,450, and is all in (It worked!!!!)
*** SHOW DOWN ***
TomFornelli shows [Ac As] (a full house, Aces full of Threes)
Zuludogg shows [3s 3c] (four of a kind, Threes) (Christ, Full Tilt just handed me to this guy on a silver fucking platter.)
Zuludogg wins the pot (4,200) with four of a kind, Threes
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot 4,200 Rake 0
Board: [4d 3d 3h Ad 8h]
Seat 1: ks1112 didn't bet (folded)
Seat 2: stoop didn't bet (folded)
Seat 3: munhoz_marcelo didn't bet (folded)
Seat 4: Jamezz_Het didn't bet (folded)
Seat 5: Zuludogg showed [3s 3c] and won (4,200) with four of a kind, Threes
Seat 6: shannon2100 didn't bet (folded)
Seat 7: JerseyJude (button) didn't bet (folded)
Seat 8: dbwjgr20 (small blind) folded before the Flop
Seat 9: TomFornelli (big blind) showed [Ac As] and lost with a full house, Aces full of Threes

Screen shot hurrrr.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,
Tom

Three Ideas for Your Weekend

Need something to do this weekend? I don't. I have to work, so I win.

Anyway,back to you, here are a few things for you to do.

If you're in Chicago and have time and $130 to spare, why not go to Lollapalooza? The three day fest starts today and has like over 130 bands. Some of which are the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Wilco, Violent Femmes, Gnarls Barkley, fuck a ton of em. Just check the link and find out more. There's schedules, maps and even tips on how to use the bathroom.

If you look closely, you can see me. I'm the sexy guy on the right.

I went to the fest last year just to see Weezer, but there were still a ton of good bands there. This year it's like a billion times bigger. The 45,000 half naked women are nice too. It reminds me of The Leemer's basement, the only difference is the girls at Lollapalooza are there willingly.

If you want to escape the heat, you can always go to a movie. Talladega Nights opens today. It's got Will Ferrell in it so it's pry gonna have some funny in it. It's probably got a whole lot of stupid in it too.

Of course if neither of those suit ya, go to the airport and take the next plane to London!

Why?

Masturbate-a-thon 2006 of course.

What's more fun than masturbating alone in your dark room? Doing it in public with thousands of others!! Share your talent with the world.

Other than that, I ain't got shit to talk about. Hope everyone has a nice weekend. I wouldn't expect another post here before Monday, but you never know. I may get inspired.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,
Tom

Friday Random 10

This is it for now, maybe an actual post later.

1. Needles-System of a Down
2. Hail to Whatever You Found in the Sunlight that Surrounds You-Rilo Kiley
3. Santeria-Sublime
4. Bohemian Rhapsody-Queen
5. Pennies from Heaven-Louis Prima
6. Nearly Lost You-Screaming Trees
7. Ship in a Bottle-Bright Eyes
8. Work It-Missy Elliott
9. Woo Ha! Got You All in Check!-Busta Rhymes
10. Hoochie Coochie Man-Muddy Waters

I Heart Trey Parker and Matt Stone

Such brilliant minds these two have.



This is the ad that the two South Park creators have released to earn Emmy consideration.




Keepin It Real Since 1980,
Tom

Only In Dreams

So I had this dream last night. Now I'm sure I dream all the time, but I never wake up during them, so as a result I never remember them.

When I do wake up during a dream, I generally lose all the major details within minutes of waking.

This morning I woke up in a dream, and remembered it all day. I still do now.

I was in a classroom, along with every one of my co-workers. We were anxiously awaiting our teacher to show up on the first day of school. So finally he did, and it was our boss. He talked for a bit about what we were going to cover during the school year, and we introduced ourselves to the class and all that shit.

Well finally the time came for us to get our textbooks. So E.W. ( I don't want to use his full name, cuz he may Google himself from time to time, and I don't want him to find this site.) gives me my book, and I look at the cover and see the title.

"Why It's Not My Fault You Are Going To Get A Bad Grade In This Class" by E.W.

So anyway we get a test on the first day. It's nothing difficult, just simple ass questions. We take the test, turn it in, and go home.

The dream then fast forwards to the next day and we get our tests back. I got a 100% cuz I fucking rule.

My sister though got one wrong for a 95%. She starts to argue with E.W. over the question.

17. Solve the following problem:2+2=?
A. 2
B. 4
C. 5
D. 22

Well, Megan answered B but was graded incorrect. Everyone else in the class answered B, and had the question graded correct.

So Megan argued about this with E.W. who instead of just admitting he made a mistake kept arguing with my sister that she did in fact get the question wrong. He just couldn't bring himself to admit that he fucked up.

It was at that point I woke up. Take from that dream what you will.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,
Tom

Stupid News and Seven Sexy Questions

Since the newspapers are generally filled with stories about the fighting in the Middle East, and reminding us that it's a brazillian degrees outside, I like to look for other more important stories.

Shit like stories on 2 year old children who totally love to water ski just rock my fucking world man. This kid is a hero. I mean do you know what 2 year olds are doing in Lebanon and Israel right now?

Ducking for cover, the little fucking pussies. Pick up a gun and shoot you little mama's boys.

This kid is 2, and skiing!!!!

ON WATER!!!!

He's like Jesus or something man.

Speaking of Jesus Christ, let's move on to our next story.

So I flip a few more pages and I come across a story from Hungary.

Now I've never been too big a fan of Hungary. Turkey has always been my favorite of the food related countries.

My opinion of Hungarians has changed though. They're having a vote across the country about what to name a new bridge that's being built.

Who's winning?

Chuck Muthafuckin Norris, that's who.



I wish American voters were as smart as the Hungarians.

There is one possible problem with naming a bridge after Walker Texas Ranger.

What if he takes it the wrong way? What if he feels it's a threat upon his mighty mighty manhood?

That bridge is just one Chuck Norris roundhouse kick away from being completely leveled. I mean didn't Chuck Norris tell Moses to tell us something about false idols, and not creating them?

Well wouldn't a bridge named after the God among man that is Chuck Norris technically be a false idol? We all know that Chuck is a vengeful God, remember when he singlehandedly (or footedly I guess the case may be) killed all the dinosaurs for interrupting Chuck's meditation? That wasn't even a dino-sin, and he totally smote those mofo's.

Finally, I came across this story. It's about some dudes who wrote a book that answers our stupid questions about our lives. Like 'Why do men fall asleep after sex?' and other stupid questions that only incredibly stupid people feel like they need to know the answer too.

Well they answer these questions scientifically, and we all know what that means.....incorrectly. Science is for pussies, that's what George W. tells me, and he's a devout Norrisian so I trust him.

So I'll share with you a couple questions from the book, along with the books answers, and then I'll follow that with the real answers. The Keepin It Real Answers.

Let's go. (The book's answers are in regular type face, while the Keepin It Real answers are italicized.)

1. WHY DO MEN FALL ASLEEP AFTER SEX?

The answer likely lies in the orgasm. Both men and women release a number of hormones after orgasm, including oxytocin, prolactin, gamma amino butyric acid and endorphins. All can produce a drowsy effect in both men and women but, write Leyner and Goldberg, "we all know who orgasms more frequently." The answer may also lie in that sex and climax depletes muscles of energy-producing glycogen. Since men have more muscle mass than women, men become more tired after sex, they say. Some women also report being energized after orgasm.

That's bullshit. The real reason men fall asleep after sex is so we don't have to talk to her afterwards. Have you ever listened to a woman talk? For Norris' sake, they say some stupid shit, especially after sex. Things like 'I love you', or 'Hold me.' Going to sleep saves us from having to tell lies like 'I love you too', or possibly hurt their feelings by asking them just what the hell they're still doing here. Also as for the "we all know who orgasms more frequently" line, maybe in your "limp dicked couldn't get a girl off if she did it for you" world doc, but in my sex life it's an equal oppurtunity endeavor. In fact, I CAN'T sleep if she doesn't enjoy herself. Mostly cuz I have to listen to her bitch about it for hours on end, not cuz of my conscience.

2. WHY DO MEN HAVE NIPPLES?

During development, the embryo follows a female template until about six weeks when the male sex chromosome kicks in for a boy. Males are thus left with nipples and some breast tissue.

Cuz giving a girl a tittie twister is considered rape these days.

3. DOES STANDING ON YOUR HEAD AFTER SEX INCREASE YOUR CHANCES OF BECOMING PREGNANT?

No, though some experts recommend placing a pillow under the woman's hips.

After sex? She's usually standing on her head DURING sex in my world. Also, the pillow thing is also very helpful in helping the ladies climax as it allows for deeper penetration, and increases the likelihood that the mythical G-spot will be found. (I hope my grandma reads this entry!!)

4. WHY DOES IT HURT SO MUCH FOR MEN TO GET KICKED IN THE TESTICLES?

Testicles are covered in nerves, and there is no muscle or bone to cushion trauma. Men wear jock straps while playing sports to keep the testicles from bouncing around while running.

I don't know, why don't I kick you in the balls and we'll find out. Cuz our balls are the givers of life man, and they must be protected. The best way for us to learn to protect our balls is by finding out how much it hurts to be hit in them. It's evolution baby.

5. WHY DO WE HAVE PUBIC HAIR?

Odor is a crucial component in mating. Humans produce erotic scents called phermones, which are created by certain sweat glands. Pubic hair and underarm hair "are a human being's primary 'scent traps' '' -- scents that spark other changes in the body related to whether a person finds another attractive, say Leyner and Goldberg.

Ya, cuz women find my nuts totally irresistable after I've just been playing basketball in 95 degree heat for 2 hours. They just smell so good. Why is there hair on our balls? Well why is there hair on your head idiot? It keeps you warm, and pubic hair keeps your love sack warm. Didn't you ever see the Shrinkage episode of Seinfeld? Don't you know what happens when Frank N. Beans gets cold?

6. DO BIG HANDS AND BIG FEET EQUATE WITH BIG SEX ORGANS IN MEN?

A study of 104 men, reported by the British Journal of Urology, found no connection.

Ya except the fact that all of them have tiny hands and feet. It's totally true, and ladies, I wear a size 13.

7. DO MEN NEED MORE SEX THAN WOMEN?

Maybe. A group of men and women were shown arousing photographs of attractive couples having sex while an MRI took scans of their brains. Two areas of the brain were more activate in men than women.

Maybe!? Then riddle me this Batman, why is it that when men don't ejaculate for a while they have wet dreams, yet women don't just spontaneously orgasm in their sleep? Why is it that men think about sex ALL THE FUCKING TIME while women think about that great sale at Macy's? Why is it that I'm humping my fucking keyboard right now cuz I thought it smiled at me!?!?! Maybe!?!?!?! MAYBE!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? You fucking morons!!!! How in the hell did you get through med school?!

Keepin It Real Since 1980,
Tom

The Bitch is Back

(This is a repost from my sports blog. The Way I See It)

I don't know if any of you noticed yesterday, I know I didn't until I took my lunch at work, but Jay Mariotti is back writing for the Chicago Sun-Times.

I'll give everyone a minute to punch something, or wash the vomit out of their mouth.

Ready yet?

It was Mariotti's first column since June 26th after taking a month long "vacation." Even though the Sun-Times was calling it a vacation the entire time, Mariotti still showed up to work everyday to be on ESPN's Around the Horn. Generally when I'm on vacation-which is 24/7-I don't do anything but be on vacation.

So I was hoping that maybe, just maybe, the Sun-Times realized it already had enough columnists who know how to write and they finally rid themselves and our wonderful city of this mega douchebag.

I was wrong.

Dead wrong.

Instead they re-signed Mariotti to a three year extension. So we will get to read his wonderful insights of the Chicago sports world four times a week!

I'll give you all another minute to break something and wash the vomit taste from your mouths.

Still there could be some good to come out of this. It may actually help the White Sox get to the playoffs and possibly win another World Series championship.

Stay with me on this one.

Even though I hate the fact that Jay still has a job, it was good to see him back. Why, in his very first column he made sure he went back to his old "rip the White Sox" schtick. Let's look at some excerpts from his first column.

"Clearly, this is no time for a stubborn streak on the trophy side of town, no time for a brash and successful dealmaker(Sox GM KenWilliams) to go limp at the trade deadline. I like him as Fast Kenny. I like him less as a Ken Doll."

Gee Jay, when writing things about Ken Williams going limp and then talking about Ken dolls, I have no idea how Ozzie ever got the idea you were gay.

"It's stunning that Williams, despite his weekend pledge of allegiance to his current roster, didn't respond to the aggressive work of the New York Yankees with his own buzzer-beating maneuver. Whether it's Brian Cashman working in the spirit of George Steinbrenner or, more likely, Steinbrenner pushing all the buttons from the Boss Cave, the Yankees assumed the role as American League favorites by adding Bobby Abreu to an explosive batting order, Cory Lidle to the shaky end of a rotation and Craig Wilson to the bench."

I don't know if you've ever been a GM or not Jay, but generally you don't want to go out and make a move just because another team did. Especially when that team isn't in your division. If George Steinbrenner jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge would you do it too Jay? (Quick, somebody push Steinbrenner off the bridge.) Nevermind the fact that the White Sox have a right fielder far superior to Abreu (Jermaine Dye) already on the roster, six starting pitchers better than Cory Lidle (Yes, even Javier Vazquez cuz at least he'll get you 5 dominant innings before blowing up), and 3 Craig Wilsons on the bench in Rob Mackowiak, Ross Gload, and Alex Cintron.

"Why would he offer Scott Podsednik in (the Alfonso Soriano deal), as reported, but refuse to part with Brandon McCarthy? If the kid pitcher is so precious, why not yank Vazquez and put him in the rotation right now?"

Cuz Soriano can't pitch Jay, but he can play left field in place of Podsednik and take over the lead off spot. Also you don't yank Vazquez before the trade deadline cuz it diminishes his value while you are trying to trade him. Now that the deadline has passed, look for the Sox to give Vazquez another chance before replacing him with McCarthy.

"This year, they're struggling to win a wild-card race that apparently will involve at least three teams -- Twins, Yankees and Red Sox -- that are on par with the Sox, if not superior."

But Jay, the Red Sox and Twins didn't get Soriano either! So based on what you said two paragraphs ago they have no shot of making the postseason either!! Also now that Jason Varitek is out for about 2 months, I don't think we'll have to worry too much about the Red Sox. Also, the Twins played .800 baseball for over a month. At some point reality has to catch up to them cuz, I don't know if you noticed in all your years of watching baseball Jay, but teams can't play .800 for 4 months.

So how is Jay's return going to help the White Sox?

We're all well aware of the fact that the White Sox as an organization can't stand Jay. Whether it was Ozzie calling him a fag, Reinsdorf having his face on his office dartboard, Ken Williams keeping that same picture in his office urinal, or play-by-play man Hawk Harrelson calling him a "hieniebird" (pronounced hi-knee-bird I'm not actually sure of the spelling seeing how I didn't invent it.) during the game. For those who don't know what a hieniebird is, I'll give you Harrelson's definition.

"A hieniebird is a bird that spends all it's time flying in concentric circles, until one day it flies up it's own ass and POOF! disappears forever."

So what's that got to do with the White Sox playing well?

Well, in 2005 there was this same kind of animosity between the Sox and Mariotti, it just never became as public cuz Ozzie never said anything about it. Everyday though Mariotti would talk about how the Sox were gonna blow their run for one reason or another. Whether it was cuz Ken Williams didn't get Ken Griffey Jr., or Ozzie said something. Well the Sox went on to win the World Series I think partly just so Mariotti would have to write his "I knew it all along!" column.

2006 has been very much the same. Until June 26th with Mariotti still writing his column the White Sox were 23 games over .500 at 49-26, just 2 games behind the Detroit Tigers.

While Mariotti was on "vacation" the White Sox played 29 games, going 13-16 and losing 5.5 games on the Tigers. The pitching was awful, especially Mark Buehrle who went 0-5 with an 11.83ERA in Mariotti's absence.

Yesterday upon hearing of Jay's return, Mark went out and threw 6 innings giving up only 4 hits and 2 runs.

This can't just be a coincedence people!

I know White Sox fans, and Chicago sports fans in general, must be torn on this issue. On one hand none of us wants to read Mariotti or see that smug looking face everytime they open the newspaper, but on the other we'd like to see the White Sox win again.

The solution is simple though, just cuz he's writing doesn't mean WE have to read it. Just so long as the White Sox are everything will be fine and we can all just kick back and enjoy the ride.

See you in October Jay!

What Would Have Been?

It was 20 years ago today that my dad's best friend, and my sister's Godfather, Kevin Murphy died.

He was struck by a train.

Not exactly the greatest way to go is it? Just like that Murphy (Nobody ever called him Kevin, except his brothers and parents) was gone from my life and I never even really got a chance to know him.

Now to give you all an idea of what kind of guy Murphy was, keep in mind I was 5 years old when he died, and I don't have many memories at all of that time.

But just about every memory I have from then involves Murphy.

Whether he was showing up at my house unannounced to take my sister and I to some sort of carnival or festival-and loading us up with cotton candy, bringing us gifts, or I was finding him asleep on our couch early Saturday morning only to wake him up-no doubt extremely hungover from the Friday night with my father before-and make him watch cartoons with me.

He never said no, and he never showed any signs of being anything but delighted to see me.

I still have the teddy bear he gave me as a baby. I named him Brown Bear. Ya I know, I wasn't too creative at the time. I also still have the baseball glove he gave me as a child. I've used it throughout my entire life playing baseball-it was an adult glove and I was a big kid-and still use it today. Even if it does have a hole in the palm and all the padding is gone.

I also still remember the day 20 years ago when he died. I was outside in my driveway, wearing the glove he gave me, bouncing a baseball off the side of our house and catching it. Then I heard my mom screaming and crying in the kitchen.

I went inside to see what was happening and found my mom crying in the kitchen, the phone hanging from it's cord. She just grabbed me and hugged me while sobbing.

I don't think she had the strength to tell me what had happened. When I finally did find out, I didn't cry. I was too young to really understand what was going on. My sister cried, but I think as more of a reaction to seeing my mom than understanding what was going on.

As the years have passed, I've often wondered how life would be different if Murphy were still alive today. I wish he was, not because I want my life to be different or anything.

Just cuz I'd like to have gotten a chance to know him.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,
Tom