A Post Where Tom Pretends He Knows Enough About Movies To Critique Them

Well what the fuck do you want? It's a Sunday, the fact I'm even posting is against my religion.

Anyway, it's been a while since I said anything about any of the movies I've seen lately. My Netflix is still pissing me off though. I read from a poster named Zerbet on Full Tilt Forum that supposedly what Netflix does is intentionally delay your returned DVD's when you're going through them too quickly, and you're renting the better known titles.

I think he's right, cuz for some reason it takes a week for a movie I return from home to get to Park Ridge, Illinois. Park Ridge is a whopping 15 miles away. So what that means is that either mail moves 2 miles a day, or Netflix is fucking me.

Thank you Netflix. I guess if you let me rent 20 movies a month you wouldn't be making any money, so while I respect your right to make a profit, please respect mine to tell you to go fuck yourselves.

Anyway, onto the movies.

Syriana
Basically this movie is about a CIA operative (George Clooney) working in the Middle East who does CIA things while in the Middle East. The real point of the movie is to show just how far our country goes for that black gold and Texas Tea. It's kinda topical dontcha think? The four main ingredients of the movie are oil, money, terrorism and power. On the whole I thought it was a good movie, but not spectacular. George Clooney was good in it and deserves his Supporting Actor Oscar. Personally my favorite scene was when Clooney gets his fingernails ripped off. Just as I was starting to lose interest ....RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIP. That's how you keep somebody's attention dammit. 3 out of 5 stars

Dave Chappelle's Block Party
Since there is no more Chappelle's Show, and the Lost Episodes should have stayed lost, I miss Dave. So I rented this flick hoping to see some funny. While there was some funny, it was really nothing but a concert film with some kinda funny footage thrown in. As for the musical acts, I guess it's kinda cool to see the Fugees reunite....if you were a big fan of theirs. Personally I wasn't, but I do like a lot of Wyclef's solo stuff. Other acts include Common, Kanye West, Erykah Badu, Jill Scott, Mos Def, Talib Kweli, Dead Prez, and any other hip hop with a conscience act on Earth show up at some point. Highlights of the movie are when Dave visits an old ass hippie couple whom time and LSD have really taken a toll on, and Dave explaining how he knew the DC sniper was black. "The guy was taking weekends off man!" 2 out of 5 stars.

Garden State
I really liked this movie. It's about Andrew Largeman (Scrubs' Zach Braff, who also directed it) and his return home after 10 years for his mothers funeral. It's also the first time in his life that he's stopped taking the anti-depressants that his psychologist father has forced him to take his entire life. As a result he starts to actually experience life instead of sleepwalk through it. He meets a girl (Natalie Portman) falls in love, and discovers what life is all about. Normally a movie with that kind of description would make me want to puke, but this movie didn't do that at all. Maybe it's cuz I've long been bothered by the fact that our society seems to accept the notion that the best way to help a person deal with their problems is to load them up on so many drugs they can't feel feelings. That's what beer is for god dammit!! Stop cutting into beer's territory!! My favorite scene was when Braff takes ecstacy at his millionairre (He invented silent velcro....brilliant.) friend's party. 4 out of 5 stars.

Ocean's 12
Christ, talk about a movie that didn't need to be made. It sucked. The first one was good, even though the heist was preposterous the cast and writing still made it work. In the sequel the plot is even more ridiculous, and Soderbergh and his cast don't get away with it a second time. The first movie seemed stylish and cool, while this one just felt smarmy and off base. In other words if Ocean's Eleven was Jon Stewart, Ocean's Twelve is Bill O'Reilly. The highlight of this movie was the end credits. 2 out of 5 stars.

Meet the Fockers
I fully expected this movie to suck, and it didn't. It wasn't great by any means, but it had enough laughs in it to keep you from getting bored. Also I do believe it's the first time I saw Barbra Streisand for more than 5 minutes and didn't want to kill myself and everyone else within a 50 foot radius. The one thing I wonder is if Robert DeNiro has anything left in his acting arsenal besides the scrunchy face. It's like he's become a parody of himself. No real highlights for me, as the movie seemed to maintain it's solid B- rating throughout. 3 of 5 stars.

The Bourne Supremacy
I read all these Robert Ludlum books in grade school, and really like them. With the movie franchise I've been pleasantly surprised so far, cuz generally books I love become shitty movies. The Bourne Supremacy wasn't as good as The Bourne Identity, but it was by no means bad. In the plot this time Jason Bourne (Matt Damon...fuck that's the third movie in this entry with Matt Damon in it. I think it's time I looked in the mirror and asked myself some tough questions...) is framed in a murder of some CIA operatives in Berlin. The problem is Bourne has disappeared "off the grid" in India with Marie. Well, the bad guys find him, try to kill him, and then set off the whole chain of events leading to Bourne going back to Europe to try to clear his name and kill some people in the process. As all spy movies should, this movie features a pretty sweet car chase scene. Also, in case you're wondering, Bourne survives. Hope I didn't play spoiler, but c'mon people, it's hard to have a third movie with a dead main character. 4 of 5 stars.

Bend It Like Beckham
I know what you're thinking, but you'd be surprised. This movie was pretty damn good! The only reason I even watched it was cuz there was absolutely nothing else on, but I'm glad I did. It's just a typical coming of age comedy, but it's well done. Jess (Parminder K Nagra) is a soccer obsessed girl who's Indian family isn't too keen on her hobby. Jess meets Jules (Keira Knightley...you know Knightley would be A LOT hotter if she didn't remind me of the Bic pen I'm chewing on as we speak. EAT SOMETHING WOMAN.) who invites her to play on a soccer team. Jess does, and sneaks around behind her parent's backs, scores some goals, falls in love with her coach, gets hammered in Germany and bends it like Beckham. It's a formula that's been done a million times, but this time it's with soccer and Indians. Highlight is when Jules' mother gets confused and thinks her daughter is a lesbian. 4 of 5 stars.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,
Tom