A Cubs Joke

Heard this yesterday, and it made me laugh.

Why are the Cubs having such trouble creating a new website?

Cuz they just can't seem to string 3 W's together.

Pacey the Rattlesnake Hunter

*The following entry is based on a true story.

It's a long way from Capeside North Carolina to Topanga Canyon California, but moving from a creek to a canyon was just what a young Pacey Witter needed in his life.

When you're a Rattlesnake hunter, you live for the hunt, and there just aren't enough rattlesnakes in Capeside.

In Topanga Canyon they're literally right in your front yard. Just ask Lynn Anderson.

Tuesday morning, May 30th, was just another day in the life of Lynn Anderson. She had just finished her breakfast of coffee and 13 cigarettes when she decided to get the mail. Anderson's plans would change once she opened the front door.

There just outside her door was a rattlesnake. At least 75 feet in length and 4 feet across according to Anderson. Normally she would have taken care of the snake herself, but just recently coming off of breast augmentation surgery she didn't have complete use of her upper torso yet.



Luckily for her she had a brand new neighbor right down the street.

Pacey Witter. Rattlesnake hunter.

"After I told him what the problem was he told me to stay in the house, and not to worry. He would be right over and take care of it," said Anderson when interviewed later.

And that he was. Seemingly flying out of the trees Witter mounted his attack on the rattler. Both Pacey and his foe wrestled on the ground for a good 10 minutes. Pacey twisting the snakes rattle, while the snake lunged for his groin repeatedly.

"Must be a female rattler," remarked Witter wryly.

"The snake must have bit him in the groin 12 times, but he just kept fighting it anyway,"reported Anderson, "He told me after that he had invented an anti-venom that he injected into his body as some sort of vaccine. He was immune to the snake bites."

After another few minutes of fighting the snake, Pacey was finally able to get the snake in a sleeper hold. After a few seconds the snake was sleeping like a baby.

Pacey and Lynn however weren't.

"We made love for what must have been 13 hours afterward. I was so enamored with his wit, charm, and rattlesnake hunting skills, I couldn't resist him afterward. It all started when he asked me to rub his bite wounds with a special cream. One thing led to another.... and the next thing I knew we were doing it in the doorway," confessed a wobbly kneed Anderson, "The only odd thing was that he kept calling me Joey. Really I didn't mind at all cuz I kept calling him Dawson anyway. He was also the first person to see my new breasts, and he called them 'remarkable.' "

After satisfying Lynn with his Rattlesnake Hunting, and love making prowess, Witter took the snake to his wildlife compound in his backyard. It's there that he keeps his hunting skills sharp when he's not off scouring the world for his prey.

"I was really lucky he was home. He'd just returned from 4 months in the Outback on Saturday."

What if there's a next time?

"I go to bed dreaming there IS a next time. That man tamed me."

Hunt on Pacey Witter. Hunt on.

Keeping It Real Since 1980,
Tom

Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Programming

I love long weekends. Especially when I actually get to have a couple of those days off from work. Memorial Day was the first holiday (Besides Christmas) that I have had off since I don't know when.

I still get paid for the day either way, so it's nice to get paid for doing nothing once in a while. Though there are some who would argue that that's precisely what I do for a living anyway.

I would also like to add that I have another grandpa who is a war veteran too. After I read my post yesterday I was mad at myself for not mentioning him. Yesterday I talked of my father's dad, Orlando Fornelli. My mother's father, Tom Laughland was a paratrooper in the British infantry.

One exhibit in the Italian-American Veteran's Museum that was from my grandpa was the rifle he took from a Japanese sniper after killing him in hand to hand combat. My dad had the rifle under his bed while I was growing up. When nobody was home I used to take it out and play soldier around the house. I would go in the living room, dive and roll onto the ground and pop up over the couch firing.

I wasn't killing the Nazi's or the Japs though. I think I was killing Foot Soldiers to help out Leo, Raphael, Donatello, and Michaelangelo.

I was a Pre-Teenage Mutant Ninja Dago.

One thing that was on the rifle that wasn't on it when we had it was the bayonet. I'm lucky it wasn't on the gun at home cuz if it had been I can assure you my sister would have killed me with it. (She had a thing for stabbing me. I have scars to prove it.)

I don't know if a lot of you know about this TV show Most Haunted. It's on the Travel Channel (The same channel that has the World Poker Tour.) Anyway the premise of the show is that a crew of people spend 24 hours in supposedly haunted places. The show is based in England, so therefore most locations are there.

There's the host, Yvette Fielding, a couple psychics, Derek Acorah and David Wells, and a crew of others who do all the investigating. There's also the resident skeptic who at the end of each episode tells you what everything you saw or heard probably was.

Still there's some cool stuff in there, like TV's turning off and on in rooms while members of the crew sleep caught on tape. In one episode on the Queen Mary while one guy is sleeping in what's supposed to be the most haunted room on the ship, you hear the voice of a little girl talking for a second or two.

I'm addicted to this show. It might all be real, it's more likely fake, but I don't care. It's entertaining. It's on Friday nights at 8 Central I think. If you get a chance and you're into this kinda stuff check it out sometime.

Any of you who regularly read my blog or sports column know how upset I was when Cleveland fans booed Jim Thome when he returned to Cleveland for the first time at the beginning of this month.

The man was the most liked Cleveland Indian during his time there, and the fans turned on him cuz the franchise lowballed him. (Yet when Frank Thomas returned to Chicago he recieved standing ovations even AFTER hitting 2 home runs.)

Well it was really nice to see Jim return to Cleveland again yesterday, again to boos, but this time with an answer.

Not one.....

But two home runs.

The White Sox would win 11-0.

I know you're gonna buy this album. Who are you trying to kid?

Sunday night Silvio expressed shock that I had not included this baby picture of our good friend The Leemer as a picture of the day. So in honor of Silvio I give you today's Picture of the Day, straight from The Leemers First Photo Album.

That's just precious.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,

Tom

Happy Memorial Day

On Memorial Day I can't help but think of my grandpa.

I miss him very much. Sunday afternoon I went to the opening of a new Italian-American Veterans Museum that was just opened at the Italian-American Cultural Center in Stone Park, Illinois.

Part of the exhibit was my grandpa. There is a plaque that tells the story of him at Guadalcanal. He killed 13 Japanese snipers that were terrorizing his unit.

He did it alone.

My grandpa was a great man and I wish that at some point in my life I could be half the man that he was. Even until the day he died I don't think there was ever a point in my life where he couldn't have kicked my ass.

A funny story that I always remember was when a large storm knocked a tree over in the yard that crashed into the back porch and into part of the house.

Of course I went over there to help clean up, and he told me to be careful.

"There's a lot of loose nails sticking out of the boards out there. Don't step on any."

I was out there for no longer than 5 minutes before I did just that. Went right through my boot and into the bottom of my right foot, just below the big toe.

I was scared to go inside and tell him. Mostly cuz I was crying, and I didn't want him to see me cry.

It wasn't so much fear of him, as much as it was fear I might lose his respect. I was stupid that way. There's no way in hell my grandpa would ever think less of me no matter what I did. He was a tough guy, but also a loving caring man, who absolutely adored his grandchildren.

I adored him too, and I wish he was still here.

Happy Memorial Day grandpa. I love you.

It's Friday!

That means it's time for the Friday Random 10. Try not to wet yourselves.

1. You Know What They Do To Guys Like Us In Prison-My Chemical Romance
2. Rabbit Fur Coat-Jenny Lewis
3. It's All Good-Cold
4. Red-Eyed and Blue-Wilco
5. She's Like Heroin-System of a Down
6. As I Watch the Sun Fuck the Ocean-Boy Hits Car
7. Given To Fly-Pearl Jam
8. Seed-Korn
9. Number Five with a Bullet-Taking Back Sunday
10. Root-Deftones

Favorite Song-As I Watch the Sun Fuck the Ocean. What they don't tell you is that the Ocean cried "No!!! Stop Mr. Sun it hurts!!"....but the Sun wouldn't listen.

Least Favorite Song-Rabbit Fur Coat. I like Jenny Lewis when she's with Rilo Kiley, but her solo album I only find to be decent.

Favorite Album-It's way too hard for me to pick a favorite between Korn's Follow the Leader, Deftones' Adrenaline, Cold's 13 Ways to Bleed on Stage, and Boy Hits Car. So I won't. Do something about it.

I got my haircut today. My new barber is named Michael. He took over for my old barber, Kelly. Kelly had a stroke a couple months ago.

Michael did not start off on the right foot with me though. For some reason he shaved off my sideburns without me telling him too. For the first time since I was 16 I don't have sideburns and I feel absolutely naked.

On the plus side when I comb my hair back, I kinda look like a young John Gotti.

Yesterday I had to work the camera counter all day. Linda's mother in law died on Wednesday so I had to cover for her. I seldom work the camera counter, and every time I do I'm completely shocked at the amount of people who buy alcohol at 830AM on a Thursday morning.

I feel like I live in a college town. This whole place is full of drunks.

Also I've learned that some things never fail. When I ring up an elderly woman who likes to talk a lot, no customers ever get in line behind her. This allows the woman to ramble on about a bunch of people I don't know nor care about for 15 minutes. The whole time I'm sit there forced to wear my fake smile and nod my head while inside I think to myself "Die already!!!"

Of course the second the attractive young Italian girl starts talking to me about 8 drunks with boxes of wine jump in line and demand service, prompting my new friend to tell me she better leave cuz I'm busy.

Assholes.

This same principle also works anytime a friend calls me. I could be sitting there for 45 minutes without seeing a soul, but the second someone calls me I get bumrushed by people.

It's like my boss is sitting upstairs watching me on camera and punking me all day long.

Speaking of my bosses. Here's an actual note I left to my boss Mark before I left today. Just so you all get an idea how seriously I take my job.

Mark,

I did the majority of the audits on Friday afternoon. Seeing that I am but one mere mortal I was not able to complete them all. I am a failure. While I ponder continuing this charade I call a life, I will leave you with a list of the sections that need to be done, and that I did. (I only include what I did cuz I still got 5 minutes to kill before I can leave.)

NOT DONE

• Seasonal
• Bulk
• Canes
• Checkstands

DONE

• First Aid
• Foot Care
• Pharmacy
• Lightbulbs
• Endcaps
• Wings
• Cosmetic Promos
• Bakeshop

After thinking about it, I've decided against killing myself. That would be the easy way out and I don't deserve such mercy.

See Ya Sunday,

Tom

Picture of the Day

Kevin in 20!!

I hope everyone has a good Memorial Day weekend. As for myself I am going to the Italian-American Cultural Center on Sunday before work as they have a new exhibit for Memorial Day in which they have included my late grandpa.

Monday I'm planning on going fishing with my dad and Jack King. So in case I don't see you all again before then, Happy Memorial Day.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,

Tom

Welcome Back Frank

Frank Thomas returned to Chicago last night as an Oakland Athletic to face the Chicago White Sox.

He had a pretty damn good night, going 3-5 with 2 home runs.

Of course the White Sox came back from 4-0 to win the game 5-4 in 10 innings thanks to a suicide squeeze by Pablo Ozuna. It was a perfect game.

Last Friday I forgot to do the Random 10 on my iPod. So I will now do my Friday Random 10 on Tuesday. If for nothing else than I don't have anything to talk about, but feel I should fill some space at least.

1. The Collector-Nine Inch Nails
2. Talk Show on Mute-Incubus
3. Sweetness-Jimmy Eat World
4. I Can See For Miles-The Who
5. Perfect Situation-Weezer
6. Company In My Back-Wilco
7. Crossroads-Bone Thugs N' Harmony
8. Strip Her Down-Cold
9. Wrong Way-Sublime
10. Babe I'm Gonna Leave You-Led Zeppelin

Favorite Song-Crossroads. That was my jam junior year of high school!!! Only I could imitate the dizzying speed of Dizzy Bone's verses!

Least Favorite-The Collector. I like Nine Inch Nails, and the new album was good. This song though I don't like that much.

Favorite Album-A Crow Left of the Murder-Incubus. Just a great album from a good band.

Video of the Day

Bone Thugs-N-Harmony - CROSSROADS

Keepin It Real Since 1980,

Tom

Netflix Gone Wild

Ok so I'm having some trouble with Netflix. See, a couple of weeks ago I returned a the Wilco documentary, I Am Trying To Break Your Heart, after watching it. Usually when I return a movie to Netflix I get an email the next day saying they recieved it.

So I put the DVD in the mailbox at work like I always do and waited for the next movie on my list. Well a week went by and I didn't hear anything. So I reported it lost, and Netflix sent me the next movie on my list.

Then after I watched King Kong and Hustle and Flow I returned both of those. This time however I did it from my mailbox at home. Now it's been a week and I still haven't heard anything from Netflix about them. So this morning I'm about to go to Netflix and report these missing too when I open my email.

Dear Tom,
We have recieved Wilco:I am Trying To Break Your Heart. We have on record that this dvd was reported lost and we wanted you to know that we have finally recieved it.

So now I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do. I'm going to go ahead and still report the other two as missing, and then try to get in contact with an actual person at Netflix. If I wanted to wait 2 weeks for every movie I could just go to Blockbuster, and I want it known that whatever the hell is going on, it's nothing that I'm doing.

Other than that I don't have too much to talk about today. I wrote a column on my other site, so if you're interested in what I have to say about the fight between the Sox and Cubs this weekend feel free to head over there and find out.

Until next time.

Keepin it Real Since 1980,
Tom

Slugfest

Apparently Michael Barrett gets really frustrated when he sees a guy who's hittint .179 do something he hasn't done since April 21st.

Get an RBI.

Apparently he also doesn't like when he gets run over in a completely clean and legal play.

Also being on the Cubs probably doesn't help matters.

The Sox won 7-0 by the way thanks to Tadahito Iguchi's grand slam and 2 run shot later.

The Sox have outscored the Cubs 13-1 so far this weekend.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,

Tom

Lights Out

So I was listening to my voicemail yesterday when I sneezed, and all of a sudden I heard someone on the other end of my phone say, "God Bless you."

After being startled I asked who said that, and all I got was "She sounded hot. You should call her back, cuz if not, I will."

After hanging up with the NSA I started watching the San Antonio Spurs/Dallas Mavericks game. It was Game 4 of what had been a very good series thus far. Last night's game was going real good too.

In fact with 40 seconds left the game was tied.

Then the power went out.

No reason that I could see. No storm, no high winds, bill was most definetely paid. I looked outside and the entire town was dark.

After getting incredibly pissed at the timing of it all, I pondered looting my neighbors for a while. I've been meaning to get a larger TV, and it seemed as good a time as any, but I thought "better" of it eventually.

I killed time for a while reading by candlelight, but eventually I gave up and went to sleep.

The Mavericks won in overtime by the way. Looked like a great game.

The Da Vinci Code hits theaters tomorrow. ( I think. Either tomorrow or Friday, thanks to DVR I don't see many commercials anymore) I bet it makes like 48 Billion this weekend.

The only thing that worries me about the book and movie is who knows how many people are going to take it as fact. Dan Brown does a pretty good job of interweaving myth and fact in the book, and it's easy to imagine people who aren't familiar with a lot of the things in the book taking it as fact.

Hopefully you know it's not.

A lot of the people I know who've read the book for instance believe that Da Vinci really was the Grand Master of the Priory of Scion. That would be a remarkable feat considering that the Priory of Scion wasn't even founded until 1956 by a Frenchman named Pierre Plantard.

He created the Priory, and all of it's history. He confessed as much in court many years later. Part of me wonders if Dan Brown even knew that, or maybe he just looked it up and took it as fact.

So in honor of the movie I'm gonna take a look at some of the aspects of it, and whether they're true or false.

• Church suppresses the role of women-Duh. Ya that's 100% true. For instance, if women weren't that important then how come the first two people to see Jesus after he rose were women?(Mary, Mary Magdalene) I mean if what the Catholic Church believes is true, how much sense does it make that God would hate women when they're the ones he chose to give life?
• Jesus was married and had kids- Jesus probably was married. He was referred to a few times in the Bible and other texts as Rabbi. In fact when Mary Magdalene recognizes Jesus while talking to him in the garden after he rises she refers to him as "My rabbi." Well in those times it was mandatory that all Rabbi's and Jewish men marry and have children. There are also parts in the Gnostic Gospels, and other Gospels left out of the Bible that lead the reader to believe the relationship between Jesus and Mary Magdalene were a lot more than Prophet-Prostitute.
• Mary Magdalene was Jesus' wife-Well based on what I've already said, this is very likely. I mean why else would she have waited at Jesus' tomb for him? Where the book is correct is the reason why the Church presents her as a prostitute. Since the entire Christian faith relies on the fact that Jesus was divine and not a man, they had to cover up the fact he was married with children like Al Bundy.
• There are blood relatives of Jesus-I have no doubt that at some point in time this was true. Unfortunately we have no way of knowing who they are or were.

Well that's just a few. I could probably go on for a lot longer, but to be honest I really don't want to.

I think what's most important though is why this book has become such a phenomenon. I think it speaks to the fact that people want something new to believe in. The irony of it all is that this is the exact same way that the Bible got started. Well...there was no movie, but you get the point.

No, I'm not saying that The Da Vinci Code will be the new Bible. I'm just commenting on the fact that a book that combines both fact and myth when done well can easily be taken as fact by it's readers.

Just like the Bible.

I finally saw King Kong the other day. Somebody please tell Peter Jackson that 3 hour movies worked for the Lord of the Rings trilogy cuz the books had enough material to make a 3 hour movie interesting.

King Kong does not. There were parts of the movie that were good, but they were ruined cuz aspects were dragged out too long. It feels like he was just trying to make a fourth Lord of the Rings, and he replaced the hobbits with a giant gorilla.

Also since the movie is titled King Kong, you would think that it should center around the big ape. Instead Jackson tries to interweave about 18 different stories together, and it kills the movie. I don't need to see about the father son relationship between the big captain guy who looks like Seal, and the little kid from the wrong side of the tracks. Show me more of Kong fighting the T-Rexeseses.

Speaking of which,

The best part of the entire movie was the special effects. No offense to special effects techinicians, but anytime you say that about a film, it's not a good thing. They were real good though. Like when the guys had fallen in that canyon and were attacked by all the insects I squirmed a little bit cuz they were so lifelike.

This movie could have been a lot better if it wasn't so pretentious.

I also saw Hustle and Flow. When I first saw commercials for this movie my initial reaction was "Wow. That's gonna be god awful." Then a few friends saw it and told me it wasn't too bad. So when it released I added it to my Netflix, and now I've finally seen it.

Lemme just say that you should always trust your instincts. The movie had potential, but it quickly killed itself.

The end pissed me off the most cuz it leaves you with out an end really. DJay (Terrence Howard) is in jail for kicking Ludacris' ass and shooting his boy, and his demo is on the radio. Then it ends.

Felt like a cop out to me, like the writer just didn't know what they wanted to do.

I did like the "Whoop That Trick" song though. Strong message behind that one. As far as the theme song, "It's Hard Out Here For a Pimp*", you're preachin to the choir bruh.

*Song actually won an Oscar.

Yet another case of the munchies costing monkey's their lives. God damn pothead bears!!!! (I assume the bear is a pothead cuz why else would a bear live in Amsterdam?)

Keepin It Real Since 1980,

Tom

Pods, The Wager, and a Joke

Couple things today really. First I want to give props to White Sox leftfielder, and lead off hitter Scott Podsednik. Scotty had himself a helluva weekend in Minnesota. In three games he hit .571 (8-14) with 6 runs, 2 triples, a home run, 4 RBI, and 2 stolen bases.

He has raised his batting average on the season up to .300. Now normally that wouldn't be too big of a deal, but when you consider he started the season 1-39 for a .025 average, well Scotty has been in a groove since mid-April.

The Sox also became the first team to reach 25 wins in the majors today.

As far as the bet between Panger and I, the Cubs got shutout Sunday, and didn't play today. So the score now stands at:

1. Panger 30
2. Tom 27

Since Mother's Day is over, I can now tell the following joke I wanted to tell you all yesterday. I heard this during the poker tournament I won Friday night.

A little boy walks into the bathroom to pee, and when he does he stumbles across his nude mother getting out of the shower. The boy, embarassed, goes into the front room to talk to his father.

"Dad? What's that black hairy thing between mommy's legs?"

Surprised the father thinks for a second and responds, "That? That's mommy's viola."

"Well then what's a cunt?"

"Oh, that's the rest of your mother."

Have a good one.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,

Tom

Don't Call It A Comeback

Call it the greatest comeback of all time!

Full Tilt Poker Game #636933449: $10 + $1 Sit & Go (4184789), Table 1 - 150/300 - No Limit Hold'em - 14:03:56 ET - 2006/05/14
Seat 1: SuA5ide (6,606)
Seat 9: TomFornelli (6,894)
SuA5ide posts the small blind of 150
TomFornelli posts the big blind of 300
The button is in seat #1
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to TomFornelli [8c Ks]
SuA5ide calls 150
TomFornelli checks
*** FLOP *** [9h 7d 6s]
TomFornelli checks
SuA5ide bets 300
TomFornelli calls 300
*** TURN *** [9h 7d 6s] [Kd]
TomFornelli checks
SuA5ide bets 300
TomFornelli raises to 2,100
SuA5ide raises to 6,006, and is all in
TomFornelli calls 3,906
SuA5ide shows [6h 6c]
TomFornelli shows [8c Ks]
*** RIVER *** [9h 7d 6s Kd] [2c]
SuA5ide shows three of a kind, Sixes
TomFornelli shows a pair of Kings
SuA5ide wins the pot (13,212) with three of a kind, Sixes

Full Tilt Poker Game #636934945: $10 + $1 Sit & Go (4184789), Table 1 - 150/300 - No Limit Hold'em - 14:04:40 ET - 2006/05/14
Seat 1: SuA5ide (13,212)
Seat 9: TomFornelli (288)
TomFornelli posts the small blind of 150
SuA5ide posts the big blind of 300
The button is in seat #9*** HOLE CARDS
***Dealt to TomFornelli [5c Ad]
TomFornelli calls 138, and is all in
SuA5ide shows [Js 6d]
TomFornelli shows [5c Ad]
Uncalled bet of 12 returned to SuA5ide
*** FLOP *** [Kd 7h 5s]
*** TURN *** [Kd 7h 5s] [Jc]
*** RIVER *** [Kd 7h 5s Jc] [Ah]
SuA5ide shows a pair of Jacks
TomFornelli shows two pair, Aces and Fives
TomFornelli wins the pot (576) with two pair, Aces and Fives

Full Tilt Poker Game #636935522: $10 + $1 Sit & Go (4184789), Table 1 - 150/300 - No Limit Hold'em - 14:04:58 ET - 2006/05/14
Seat 1: SuA5ide (12,924)
Seat 9: TomFornelli (576)
SuA5ide posts the small blind of 150
TomFornelli posts the big blind of 300
The button is in seat #1
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to TomFornelli [7h Qd]
SuA5ide raises to 600
TomFornelli calls 276, and is all in
SuA5ide shows [Ts Ac]
TomFornelli shows [7h Qd]
Uncalled bet of 24 returned to SuA5ide
*** FLOP *** [Qh Qs 9d]
*** TURN *** [Qh Qs 9d] [Ah]
*** RIVER *** [Qh Qs 9d Ah] [2h]
SuA5ide shows two pair, Aces and Queens
TomFornelli shows three of a kind, Queens
TomFornelli wins the pot (1,152) with three of a kind, Queens

Full Tilt Poker Game #636936166: $10 + $1 Sit & Go (4184789), Table 1 - 150/300 - No Limit Hold'em - 14:05:17 ET - 2006/05/14
Seat 1: SuA5ide (12,348)
Seat 9: TomFornelli (1,152)
TomFornelli posts the small blind of 150
SuA5ide posts the big blind of 300
The button is in seat #9
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to TomFornelli [9s Kc]
TomFornelli raises to 1,152, and is all in
SuA5ide calls 852
TomFornelli shows [9s Kc]
SuA5ide shows [5h 5s]
*** FLOP *** [Kh Ks 4h]
*** TURN *** [Kh Ks 4h] [9c]
*** RIVER *** [Kh Ks 4h 9c] [3h]
TomFornelli shows a full house, Kings full of Nines
SuA5ide shows two pair, Kings and Fives
TomFornelli wins the pot (2,304) with a full house, Kings full of Nines



Full Tilt Poker Game #636937563: $10 + $1 Sit & Go (4184789), Table 1 - 150/300 - No Limit Hold'em - 14:05:59 ET - 2006/05/14
Seat 1: SuA5ide (10,746)
Seat 9: TomFornelli (2,754)
SuA5ide posts the small blind of 150
TomFornelli posts the big blind of 300
The button is in seat #1
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to TomFornelli [6d 5d]
SuA5ide calls 150
TomFornelli checks
*** FLOP *** [4h 7s Ks]
TomFornelli checks
SuA5ide checks
*** TURN *** [4h 7s Ks] [3s]
TomFornelli checks
SuA5ide bets 300
TomFornelli raises to 2,454, and is all in
SuA5ide calls 2,154
TomFornelli shows [6d 5d]
SuA5ide shows [5c 5h]
*** RIVER *** [4h 7s Ks 3s] [2c]
TomFornelli shows a straight, Seven high
SuA5ide shows a pair of Fives
TomFornelli wins the pot (5,508) with a straight, Seven high

Then a few hands later.....

Full Tilt Poker Game #636952056: $10 + $1 Sit & Go (4184789), Table 1 - 200/400 - No Limit Hold'em - 14:13:17 ET - 2006/05/14
Seat 1: SuA5ide (3,936)
Seat 9: TomFornelli (9,564)
SuA5ide posts the small blind of 200
TomFornelli posts the big blind of 400
The button is in seat #1
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to TomFornelli [4h 4c]
SuA5ide calls 200
TomFornelli raises to 9,564, and is all in
SuA5ide calls 3,536, and is all in
TomFornelli shows [4h 4c]
SuA5ide shows [7s 6d]
Uncalled bet of 5,628 returned to TomFornelli
*** FLOP *** [Js 9c 8h]
*** TURN *** [Js 9c 8h] [3d]
*** RIVER *** [Js 9c 8h 3d] [Qc]
TomFornelli shows a pair of Fours
SuA5ide shows Queen Jack high
TomFornelli wins the pot (7,872) with a pair of Fours
SuA5ide stands up

I had him right where I wanted him.

A Happy Mother's Day to my mom, and all the moms out there.

Especially the MILFs.

MILF

The White Sox lost again last night. Well not really. The White Sox won actually, but the umpires decided that the Twins should win instead.

With a 5-1 lead in the fifth and 2 outs, Minnesota 2nd baseman Luis Castillo hit a little dribbler in front of the plate. Javier Vazquez made a nice play and threw the ball to first for the third out.

One slight problem, the umpire ruled that Konerko's tag was too late and that Castillo beat it.

Well that's great Mr. Umpire, but perhaps you should have also noticed that Konerko's FOOT WAS ON FIRST BASE AND HE DIDN'T NEED TO TAG CASTILLO.

So instead of 3 outs, inning over, the Twins got to keep batting. Two singles later it's now 4-3.

Then Michael Cuddyer comes up to the plate and gets hit by a pitch.

Another slight problem, HE SWUNG AT THE PITCH. If you swing and miss it doesn't matter if the ball hits you, it's a strike. Both the home plate umpire, and the first base umpire ruled he didn't swing.

Last I checked, if you turn your upper torso a full 180 degrees, and the bat is pointing at the shortstop (for a right handed hitter) I think that's considered a swing.

Ozzie then got tossed for arguing. The first sign that an umpire knows he fucked up?

He throws the arguing manager out right away. Ozzie then got his money's worth.

Of course the Twins then hit a bases loaded single, making it 5-4 Twins, and the wheels came off from there.

So I hope the Twins send those umps a thank you card.

Now I was upset, but really it's just a game in May. I do remember the ALCS last season when Peirzynski stole first on strike three.

These things have ways of fixing themselves at oppurtune times, though it's still frustrating anytime it goes against you.

In the game both Joe Crede and Jim Thome had an RBI each, but the Cubs scored 3 in their 4-3 loss, so the bet between Panger and I now stands at:

1. Panger-30
2. Tom-24

Keepin It Real Since 1980,

Tom

Home Game Hero

It's always great when the high is 48 degrees on May 13th.

Global warming my ass.

So I won that tournament last night.

17 players, $40 each. The buy in was larger but part of that went to paying for the food, and to sponsor a softball team. I don't play for the softball team, but I do eat food and drink beer.

The spread was great by the way. Along with all the chips and dip there were 3 8 foot subs, 1 American, 2 Dago*, and all sorts of beer. (*I'm sorry, I mean Italian-American)

Budweiser

Honey Brown

Amstel Light

Moosehead

Michelob

As far as the poker, I told Vic I would win before we even got there, so I had to back it up. Without being too mean about it, the players weren't exactly stellar.

I noticed this right away when I got QQ early on the cutoff. Rob limped in early, and I raised like 4x the blind. Jorge in the small blind called, and so did Rob. The flop came ten high, with 2 diamonds. It was checked to me and I bet, both called me.

The turn was an Ace. So I checked it around, and then the river was another blank, so I checked it again.

Jorge showed 47o for 7 high.

Rob showed A3 for a pair of Aces.

I mucked QQ.

So at that point I knew what I was in for.

I played really tight for the most part from that point on. Everybody was playing just about every hand, and nobody raised preflop.

EVER.

Except me anyway.

Finally it was down to 2 tables, and Vic and I went to one table, while Rob went to the other. At the second table I came in as the big stack, and I made my stack even larger. I took out 2 of the three eliminated before we got down to the final table.

When we got to the final table I was in third place. Of the four players that came from the other table 2 had huge stacks, while the other 2 had about 4 BB's left. Play was pretty tight for the most part, and I picked up a few hands to stay level. After about an hour we were finally down to 4, with 3 spots paying.

Unfortunately for Vic he was the bubble boy.

It was three handed and the other two guys (I'm sorry, but when you meet 17 people for the first time it's REALLY hard to remember all their names) kept with the limp and check method. Getting bored after a while I started pushing the envelope and it paid off. Eventually I got Adam, who was the chipleader throughout the final table, to call my all in with AJ on a board of A4J7. He had A8, and I doubled up crippling him. He went out a few hands later, and then it was heads up.

We played heads up for a while, but it was starting to get real late, and we decided we'd chop the remaining prize money. Since I had more chips than him at the end (2 to 1 advantage at that point) I was declared winner. My share of the prize money was $300.

So in summation, I kick ass.

Thanks for the invite Vic.

So after a rain delay on Thursday, and a 10-1 ass whipping on Friday from the Minnesota Twins, Panger has taken the lead in our bet. Being the sportsman that she is though she's agreed that I can get one game into June to make up for the rain out Thursday.

The score now stands at:

1. Panger (Cubs)-27
2. Tom (Crede+Thome)-22

The Sox face Brad Radke tonight, and I have a feeling Joe and Jim are gonna combine for like 13 RBI's. They better too, cuz Donna is gonna be there tonight. Actually she was there last night too, so if the Sox lose again, we all know who's fault it is.

I know nobody wants to hear about somebody else's fantasy team, but dammit I need to vent.

First Derrek Lee breaks his wrist.

Then Thursday night Hideki Matsui breaks his wrist.

Now I'm going to lose my closer, Brad Lidge, for a while too.

He's suffering from Mark Wohler's Syndrome.*

(Mark Wohler's Syndrome is a malady that effect one time solid relief pitchers, AFTER they blow big games in the post season. For further examples of this syndrome see Calvin Schiraldi, Mitch Williams, Armando Benitez, Byung-Yung Kim, and the great John Rocker.)

It's mid-May and my team is basically out of the hunt already. I may as well change our name from Keepin It Real Since 1980 (I am very creative) to the Chicago Cubs. (Rimshot!)

PICTURE OF THE DAY

And those damn liberals keep saying this war's brought nothing to the people of Iraq.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,

Tom

Shuffle Shuffle

Cuz Panger might beat me if I didn't,

Friday's Random 10

1. Passenger Seat-Death Cab for Cutie
2. Jet Pilot-System of a Down
3. Speak-Sevendust
4. Tire Me-Rage Against the Machine
5. Three Hopeful Thoughts-Rilo Kiley
6. Run Devil Run-Jenny Lewis
7. Kamera-Wilco
8. Expecting-The White Stripes
9. Land Locked Blues-Bright Eyes
10. Ring of Fire-Johnny Cash

Favorite Song: Ring of Fire. Does that really need an explanation?

Least Favorite Song: Passenger Seat. Only cuz I just downloaded Death Cab, and haven't really listened to it yet.

Favorite Album: Toxicity-System of a Down

Now I'm off to go play in a 30 person poker tournament at Vic's brother in law's house. $60 buy in. Wish me luck.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,

Tom

Yikes

Full Tilt Poker Game #631358276: Table Airport - $3/$6 - Limit Omaha Hi/Lo - 2:26:51 ET - 2006/05/12
Seat 1: MDMN ($43.50)
Seat 2: forensicny ($88.50)
Seat 3: coyotejones ($163.50)
Seat 4: MadScramble ($104)
Seat 5: pitka ($109)
Seat 6: BayBomber ($73.50)
Seat 7: Hambone68 ($378)
Seat 8: TomFornelli ($91.50)
Seat 9: ptlvr ($196)
MDMN posts the small blind of $1.50
forensicny posts the big blind of $3
The button is in seat #9
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to TomFornelli [5c Qd Ad Th]
coyotejones folds
MadScramble folds
pitka folds
BayBomber folds
Hambone68 calls $3
TomFornelli calls $3
ptlvr calls $3
MDMN calls $1.50
forensicny checks
*** FLOP *** [Kd 5d 3d]
MDMN checks
forensicny bets $3
Hambone68 folds
TomFornelli calls $3
ptlvr folds
MDMN folds
*** TURN *** [Kd 5d 3d] [2d]
forensicny bets $6
TomFornelli raises to $12
forensicny calls $6
*** RIVER *** [Kd 5d 3d 2d] [9c]
forensicny checks
TomFornelli bets $6
forensicny raises to $12
TomFornelli calls $6
*** SHOW DOWN ***
forensicny shows [4d 8d 6d Ah] (a straight flush, Six high)
*** SHOW DOWN ***
(5,4,3,2,A)
TomFornelli mucks
forensicny wins the high pot ($33) with a straight flush, Six high
forensicny wins the low pot ($33) with 5,4,3,2,A
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot $69 Rake $3
Board: [Kd 5d 3d 2d 9c]
Seat 1: MDMN (small blind) folded on the Flop
Seat 2: forensicny (big blind) showed [4d 8d 6d Ah] and won ($66) with HI: a straight flush, Six high; LO: 5,4,3,2,A
Seat 3: coyotejones didn't bet (folded)
Seat 4: MadScramble didn't bet (folded)
Seat 5: pitka didn't bet (folded)
Seat 6: BayBomber didn't bet (folded)
Seat 7: Hambone68 folded on the Flop
Seat 8: TomFornelli mucked [5c Qd Ad Th] - HI: a flush, Ace high
Seat 9: ptlvr (button) folded on the Flop

Update on the bet between Panger and I.

The Cubs scored 3 runs in a 9-3 loss in San Francisco, while the White Sox game got rained out.

So the score is now tied at 22 each.

Aaron Rowand is going to get himself killed one of these days.

Here Rowand is about to make a catch

And Rowand after making the catch.

That's gotta hurt. Video here.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,

Tom

A Friendly Wager and a Brilliant Idea

So yesterday I went on a little bit about how horrible the Cubs are playing right now. As I went through the rest of my day I got a funny little idea.

I began to offer a friendly wager to my Cub fan friends and coworkers. The basis of the wager was this: The total number of runs scored by the Cubs in the month of May vs. The total number of RBI of Jim Thome and Joe Crede combined.

In other words, will the Cubs entire team score more runs than 2 players on the White Sox knock in on their own.

9 guys against 2.

None of the Cub fans I asked would take the bet.

A few asked me what the total up to yesterday was, and I had no idea. The idea came to me on my way to work and I didn't have time to actually look it up, but I had a feeling that at the moment it was pretty close.

Still the important thing I noticed was the loss of faith the Cub fans had for their team. Historically win or lose (more losing obviously. That's not a dig either, its the same for Sox fans too.) Cub fans have always believed in their team, and supported them. It seems that the combination of a White Sox World Series and the broken wrist of Derrek Lee has finally started to break through such resolve.

Even Silvio, the biggest Cub fan I know said, "I watch soccer now." He was joking, NOBODY watches soccer, but the sentiment rang true.

Finally after I asked 8 Cub fans, I finally found one with enough courage to accept the bet. (Keep in mind that the wager is for a mere $5. That's right, Cub fans aren't even willing to risk $5 on their team.)

Panger took the bet, "on principle alone." Keep in mind she knows what she's up against too. After all she has admittedly watched more Sox games this season than Cubs games.

Of course I wasn't surprised later when Vic called me at work and said, "I wish I had taken that damn bet cuz the Cubs are up 8-1 right now." When I got home and watched the White Sox game I'd recorded I found out that neither Crede nor Thome knocked in a run Wednesday.

So immediately after I find someone to take the bet, the Cubs jump out to a 8-0 lead for the day.

"Well it WAS close," I thought. I then got onto the computer to look up the numbers for the month of May.

Guess what? Even after a large 8-0 score for Panger on Wednesday, I STILL LEAD.

It really has been a shitty month for the Cubs. Through May 10th 2006, the score stands at:

1. Jim Thome (13) and Joe Crede (9)=22
2. Chicago Cubs=19

Based on how the Cubs offense has been playing, I figure that after scoring 8 last night they aren't due to score again until May 18th. Jim and Joe should widen the gap in that span.

While we're on the subject, the White Sox got the crap beat out of them last night. After young Charlie Haeger got knocked around to the tune of 6 runs, the White Sox came back from a 6-0 deficit to make it 6-5. Then the Angels scored 6 more in the top of the 9th, and the final score was 12-5.

Everybody gets the crap kicked out of them sometimes.

A funny little conversation I had with a customer at work yesterday.

Woman:Do you have any Sunday papers?

Me:No, sorry.

Woman:Why not?

Me: (pause) It's Wednesday?

You know part of being brilliant is coming up with brilliant ideas. One such idea came to me at work. A car hit another car in the parking lot, and I got to thinking about car insurance claims at accidents.

Like a cop shows up and one person says it's the other's fault, and the other says it's that one person's fault.

Then it goes to the insurance companies who have to figure all of this out, and who has to pay for what, etc.

In the long run it ends up costing everybody a lot of money.

I figured out a way to save that money. Instead of using the judicial system to help clear things up I think that the two principle drivers fight it out in the ring.

The loser's insurance pays.

Wait, there's more. See this is America, and in America ideas are worthless if we don't find a way to exploit them for money.

So what I figured is that court shows are very popular daytime television fare. So why not have a weekly show on local networks in which they televise the fights? Every week could have the Main Event that involves a Battle Royal among the drivers in that massive 8 car pileup on the expressway.

I mean are you telling me this is a show Maury Povich WOULDN'T host?

You know you would watch at least.

Why?

Boxing matches aren't all won via the knockout. After the allotted time allowed for the fight (due to commercial breaks) both competitors may still be standing.

Thats where you come in. The television public would vote on the winner. Like American Idol.

Of course as I said all of these shows would have to be local, so viewers in New York can't vote on the LA fights. (Not until we get a contract with satellite television company anyway. Then all bets are off.)

Brilliant.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,

Tom