The Shit List

This is the official Keepin It Real Since 1980 Shit List. You do NOT want to be on this list. If you are on this list I suggest you keep as much distance as humanly possible between yourself and I.

The list is ever changing. People will be added to it any damn time I feel like adding them, and I may remove people from it from time to time. Though generally the only way to get off the list is to die, or send me $100.

• Paris Hilton-I think my disdain for Paris has been well chronicled on this
  blog. Now I know all blondes are stupid (Don't worry they can't read this), but Paris is stupid AND rich. (Jessica Simpson falls into this category too but is exempt from this list thanks to her huge tits) Plus watching that video of her with Rick Solomon she seems like a really boring lay. It's like she learned how to suck dick in Health class or something. What does being incredibly stupid and rich get her? A TV show, a record deal, tickets to Brian Urlacher's skybox (I want those!), and a helluva lot of canker sores.
• Tom Cruise-Remember the Top Gun days when The Cruise used to be cool? Neither do I. Frankly I've always thought that Tom has been a douchebag. Long before he went nuts on Oprah. I mean what kind of asshole dances around in their living room in their underwear? If you have that kind of house and parents that are nowhere to be found YOU THROW A FUCKING PARTY. He got the hooker part right, but where was the blow and kegs? Over time Tom has not only proven himself to be a world class dickhead, but now a full blown psycho as well. Whether he's locking Katie Holmes in a closet and injecting her with his semen via a turkey baster, or proclaiming that anti psychotic medications are bullshit, he's always a fucking bitch. To top it off I'm pretty sure he's only 4'11". Seriously was I the only one expecting an alien to pop out of Katie's stomach ala Alien? Would any of us have been surprised?
• Jay Mariotti-Any sports fan/writer that doesn't want to shove a baseball bat up this guys fuckin ass is just as big a douchebag as he is.
• Joe Theisman-When my Uncle Joe told me years ago that he decked this bastard one night at a bar for hitting on my Aunt Joannie he was immediately vaulted into "Favorite Uncle" status. Keep in mind that Theisman went to Notre Dame, and I love Notre Dame, but I still hate the fucking guy. The fact that he is now going to be on Monday Night Football seriously has me questioning whether I need to watch MNF anymore. Ok, so that's probably an empty threat, but you get the point. I hate Theisman so much that every time I see Lawrence Taylor snap his leg in half on NFL Films I get giddy and want to send LT a kilo of coke in the mail to say thanks.
• Tony Danza-I hate Tony Danza for so many
  reasons I don't even know where to start. Mostly because on "Who's The Boss" he portrayed all the negative stereotypes of Italian men. He was dumb as a box of rocks, and to top it off he was A FUCKING MAID. For a while a friend of mine, Neil Bhandari, would go up to strangers at parties or walking down the street in Lincoln Park and tell them, "Did you hear the news? Tony Danza. Dead. S.I.G.S.W." (Self Inflicted Gun Shot Wound) When he told it to me the first time I practically kissed him I was so happy. I then punched him in the chest when I found out he was only fucking around. Much to my delight I'm not the only person who generally reacted in such fashion. Go ahead, next person you come across while walking down the street tell them Danza offed himself. $10 says they'll give you a high five. Now this asshole has his own talk show, which just goes to prove that any fucking idiot can have a talk show. I was flipping through the channels the other day and came across it. Tony was talking about parenting, and how different it is to raise kids today that it was when he was a kid. Ya, that's what America needs. Tony Danza giving tips on how to raise kids. Maybe we can get OJ Simpson his own talk show in which he counsels married couples on how to work through their problems.
• Rosie O'Donnell-Do I really need to say anything here?
• Tim McCarver-Never has there been a man who has made me want to blow
  my fucking head off while watching baseball as much as Tim McCarver. You wanna know why Bob Gibson threw so hard? He was trying to kill Tim McCarver. Then they started teaming him with Joe Buck and it was multiplied by a kabillion. My White Sox winning the World Series last year will forever be tainted due to the fact that I had to listen to Joe Buck and Tim McCarver call the games.
• Zach De La Rocha-It's his fault Rage Against the Machine broke up and I will never forgive him for it.
• Michael Barrett-For punching A.J. Pierzynski. Also I don't see how suspending him for 10 games is punishment. He plays for the Cubs. Giving him 10 days off is a blessing.
• Mike Partipilo-We were best friends for years until he went and sold my bass guitar for some pot. Now everytime I see him I'm forced to restrain myself from choking the ever living hell out of him since he is the son of my dad's boss.
• Ann Coulter-If Satan and Adolf Hitler had a daughter together, it would be Ann Coulter.
• Jim Belushi-So if you don't have any discernible talent, yet still harbor a desire to be in the public spotlight, what are your options? Well you can either be born rich and then sleep with every man within a 100 mile radius of you who may be able to help, ala Paris Hilton. Or if that avenue just isn't available to you, take advantage of what is. Maybe your only other possible path to success is to have a brother who is talented. You just need him to get famous first, and then sit back and wait for him to overdose on drugs. Then when the world is hungry to get back what they once had from a talent they so sorely miss, you capitalize on that chance! Hey you've got the same last name, and you kinda look alike. Sure you aren't funny at all, but the people will force themselves to laugh at you, if only to help cope with their loss. Quick! Name one good thing Jim Belushi has done.
• New York Yankees Fans-They are complete and utter douchebags.

That's it for now. More will be added later.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,

Tom

Friday Random 10

1. Izzo (H.O.V.A.)-Jay-Z
2. Haunt You Every Day-Weezer
3. I Got High-Afroman
4. Time Is On My Side-The Rolling Stones
5. Sweet Child O Mine-Guns N' Roses
6. Nowhere Fast-Incubus
7. Smooth Criminal-Alien Ant Farm
8. Bowl of Oranges-Bright Eyes
9. Heaven Beside You-Alice In Chains
10. 1979-Smashing Pumpkins

In Case You Hadn't Noticed

I've redone the look here at Keepin It Real Since 1980.

Why?

I have no fucking idea.

Instead of sticking to that though, let's just say that Keepin It Real Since 1980 (The kids call it KIRS1980) is moving in a new direction. Which direction that is exactly, I'm not sure, but I am sure that it will totally kick ass.

I think I'm gonna go less day to day life stuff, and more humor stuff. I also have held back in the past on expletives, and other crass things of that nature. Then I had to ask myself,

"Is that keepin it real?"

The simple answer is no.

The detailed answer is HELL no.

So beware readers. Here is a list of things you can probably expect to start seeing here in the future.

• Cuss words. Tons of em too. Not just shit, damn, or asshole. I'm talking fuck, motherfucker, cocksucker, twat, and even the c word, cunt. If you have a problem with this, deal with it. If you are a member of my family, well too fucking bad.
• Nudity. Boobies, boobies boobies. I'm not gonna go porn site or anything, but there have been tons of magnificent pictures of the day I've had to pass on cuz of nudity. No more.
• Rants. Tons of fucking rants. About anything and everything. Rants that make absolutely no sense as you are reading them, but 3 weeks later you'll be walking down the street and it will hit you. "Holy shit! Tom was right!!" No shit I was right. I'm always right.
• Other shit. I think that's self explanatory.

So strap that ever expanding ass of yours into that chair and get ready for the ride of your life.

*************

I wrote about a week ago that I thought Ozzie Guillen should be fined and suspended for calling Chicago Sun-Times columnist "a fucking fag." Ever since I have had to read about this every fucking day in every fucking newspaper. I get Jay Mariotti saying how he doesn't want to be the story, yet for like 4 days following this every single god damn column Mariotti wrote was about Guillen.

Mark Cuban wrote a pretty good entry on his blog the other day about what bullshit all of this is.

Everybody's talking about how Ozzie Guillen and Mark Cuban make themselves the story. Nevermind the fact that the media constantly asks them questions about these incidents daily, or during the NBA Finals ABC put Cuban on the camera every 5 minutes.

It's Guillen and Cuban who make themselves the story though.

That's not my problem though, I just thought Cuban made a good point. My problem is this. All week everybody has gotten their panties in a bunch because Ozzie called another man a fag. Personally I'm called a fag, or call someone else a fag at least 3 times a day. We all do. The truth is that fag has become a part of the American lexicon, but not for what most people think. The word has evolved more so that it means sissy, punk, or baby. It's generally not even used as an anti-gay slur anymore. At least not in my circles. When I wanna call somebody gay, I usually say, "Dude you're gay." or "You're such a homo."

So really while Ozzie shouldn't have said it, it's not cuz it's such a horrible word as much as it's terribly un-PC.

Apparently though it's ok to punch your wife in the face at a bar and then drag her around by her hair.

Just ask Phillies pitcher Brett Myers.
He did it last week, in front of about 15-20 people.

Why is it that they mentioned this on SportsCenter and other sports programs for about 5 seconds before going back to more "expert" discussion on Ozzie Guillen and how "muy muy loco" he is?

Why isn't anybody calling for Myers to be suspended? Fined?

Now I'm not Johnnie Cochran but I may have to play the race card here. If Myers were black or latino there would probably be a large uproar.

Now yesterday it was reported that Myers is officially taking a leave of absence to deal with personal matters. So even if the Phillies really did suspend him, THEY CAN'T JUST COME OUT AND SAY IT. No they have to protect this asshole wife beater.

And what are these personal matters he has to deal with? Has Mrs. Myers not learned her lesson yet? Does he need to finish the job? Ozzie Guillen says fag and he has to undergo sensitivity training. Myers beats the hell out of his wife and he needs time to collect his thoughts.

So I guess the lesson here is watch what you say, but beat what you will.

It's all a fucking joke.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,

Tom

More Poker and Football Fellatio

I seem to remember a certain blogger complaining the other day about everybody having a poker blog.

Well he's a hypocrit I guess cuz this will make 2 consecutive poker related entries. Deal with it.

I just finished 5th in a $30 Double Stack No Limit Hold Em on Full Tilt. It was good for $315, but the first place prize of $1100 is what I had my eye on. I went out looking for it, so I can't complain.

For those wondering about the lack of updating, I've been pretty sick all week. Started with a migraine headache, moved onto an extremely sore throat, and now that the sore throat has finally left I have a full blown head cold. So generally any decent idea or notion I get in my head to write about gets stuck in some mucus between my brain and my fingers before I can type it.

Isn't that a pleasant thought? Like in that one Hitchcock movie, I think it's Hitchcock, where that person is caught in the spider web as the spider comes closer and they're shrieking "Help me!!!!!"

That's where my ideas are right now.

Picture of the Day

Apparently Bears QB Kyle Orton took the "You Suck!" chants as a command, not a critique

Keepin It Real Since 1980,

Tom

Profitable Morning

$20 No Limit Hold Em tournament on Full Tilt.

$216.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,

Tom

A Crotchety Old Man

Not too much to blog about today. I had a rather typical weekend with nothing exciting to report.

I'm extremely fucking bored with everything, and as a result I think it's giving me writer's block. I keep getting ideas of things to write, but then as soon as I begin try to put them down on here the idea escapes me.

Maybe I'll just bitch about things. You never lack something to say when you're pissed off. So let's see. What to bitch about?

• I was recently invited to join a website by a reader of my sports blog. The site is called ArmchairGM. I've only been posting there for about a week now, and all of my articles have been promoted to the "front page." Well a problem I do have with the site is the fact that they rank the writers based on votes of the readers. Now to add to that they've started this new format in which different members will debate certain pre determined topics. Members not involved will then vote on the debaters arguments. Last I checked a writers job was to share thoughts, opinions and views of themselves and others, and present them to people. It is not a writer's job to compete with other writers for the adulation of the masses. But apparently the site thinks that intentionally starting flame wars will help the site. Trust me, I have seen this Dog and Pony show before, and it's not going to end nicely. So imagine my surprise this morning when I go to the site and see that I have been offered up as a competitor in a debate over which countries sports are better, America or England. I assume I'm on the American side. Now fewer things in this world piss me off more than when somebody volunteers me for something. Like when I was an early teen and my mother would come home all the time telling me that on Friday night I was going to go baby sit one of her friends children, not taking into account the fact that I generally already had plans for Friday night. (Not to mention a twin sister who was far more qualified to babysit young children than me.) Shit like that drives me insane. So I responded rather politely, especially considering my normal route in going about these matters, that I want absolutely no part of this idea and that I think it's an idiotic idea at best. I didn't even bother to mention the fact that the majority of the members of the site are Americans, and not Brits, therefore making this argument completely useless. All I have to do is fart into a microphone and I'll get the majority of the votes because I'm the American. Hell I am winning the argument as of now, AND IM NOT EVEN ARGUING THE GOD DAMN SUBJECT. I may continue to post my columns over there just for the simple fact that they have over 600 members and I'll take all the people reading my writing that I can get.
• No offense to the a lot of my readers here, cuz I know a lot of you do exactly what I'm about to bitch about, but here we go. Why does everybody and their fucking uncle who plays poker feel the need to start a poker blog? I used to have one but quickly ditched it after the realization that I don't even want to read about my day playing poker, let alone anybody else wanting to. You wanna write a blog and occasionally talk about your time playing poker that's one thing. To think anybody gives a fuck about what you did in the fourth hand of a tournament in which you eventually went out in 105th place is another god damn thing in and of itself. Hell I'm still absolutely baffled as to why anybody feels the need to come here and read my blog. I only started this thing as somewhat of a journal, and it's evolved into more yes, but really what do I have to offer any of you?
• Why is it in this country that we feel the need to make stars and celebrities of our stupidest people? Why do we feel the need to listen to them? Paris fucking Hilton now has a cd. Gee now not only do we get to see her get really drunk and have sex with a guy on film, and hear about how she's rich, and get to see her and her idiot friend Nicole Richie act like complete jackasses on television in the Simple Life, but now I have to hear this completely talentless whore whine along to the music? Music, especially pop, is such bullshit these days anyway. I'll tell you right now that I do not have a good singing voice what so ever, but I could put out a hit album thanks to the magic of production these days. They could make me sound like Luciano Pavarotti if they wanted to. Whatever happened to the days when people were recognized and celebrated for their accomplishments and ideas and not just for being born rich and with a pretty face? Not to mention give her a strap on and a male head on her shoulders and you have nothing more than someone resembling Iggy Pop.
• Why in the hell is my ankle bothering me!? For the past week my right ankle has been extremely sore, especially after I stay off it for a while. What in the hell did I do to it? I haven't played basketball or anything lately, and I haven't gotten so piss drunk that I possibly hurt it one night and don't remember. For instance one night about 8 years ago I was at a hotel party with Leemer, Bobby, and a whole crew of people. We used to do these things all the time cuz we were underage and lived with our parents so we needed somewhere to party. So we'd go to the Mayflower Motel, Leemer would get a room, and then we'd get a bunch of beer and booze and party it up for a night. So at one such party I was escorting my girlfriend at the time, Stephanie, and Kim out the door. I was saying goodbye to Stephanie with my hand still in the doorway, I was extremely drunk. (Eight shots of Jack Daniels and Jose Cuervo will do that to a guy.) Leemer in his infinite wisdom decided that the hotel room door being left open was letting too much cold air in. So he slammed the door with my hand in it. According to Stephanie I didn't even flinch, and went on saying goodbye before giving her a kiss good night. So the next morning I wake up on the hotel room floor with two Tostito eyes and a salsa mustache on my face wondering why in the hell is my left hand bruised, swollen and hurting like hell. But I haven't done any drinking like that lately. So what the hell is going on? I mean it seriously hurts, and I'd like to know why.

That's all I have to bitch about at the moment. Apparently I had more to say than I thought. I'd apologize for bitching but nobody made any of you fucking read it.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,

Tom

Friday Fan Mail!

Well I wrote something yesterday, on my sports blog, in response to the U.S. loss to Ghana in the World Cup yesterday. I wrote that the US should ban soccer inside the United States, and that we should boycott all international competition. That the US should start it's own Olympics, without the world.

It was intended to be sarcastic and just for laughs.

I thought maybe when I wrote that the Bush Administration could run a campaign to convince us that playing soccer funds Al-Qaeda and other terrorist groups, people would get that this wasn't a serious piece.

Well, apparently, I give people too much credit.

So today I'm going to share with all of you some of the responses that I've recieved.

USASOCCERFAN wrote:

TO Tom Fornelli:
Yea sounds good, lets just compare how Americans play sports to throwing a kegger and have lots hot girls there. Exactly the same huh?? Hmmm, sounds good. NOT! I think YOU should go out there, and play the game and see how you do, since you seem sooo full of yourself. The US did a pretty good job, if you actually watch it and add it up, and if you look at it we actually had some cheap shots called on us. I am not entirely saying we didn't make any mistakes, because NO ONE is perfect. I am not gonna waste anymore of my time telling you what I think because the REAL Soccer fans wouldn't agree with you.

PB wrote:

If you think the U.S. sucks so bad why don't you move some where else with the rest of the people that only support our country during tragic times.

Conc wrote:

While the rest of the world is partying and enjoying themselves during the world cup go ahead and sulk - who cares about you anyway?

Ozzie Guillen wrote:

Tom Fornelli is a piece of shit. Fucking fag.

Patrick Burke wrote:

Piss poor article.

I'm unpatriotic cuz I don't like soccer!? Oh my god people are idiots. Still I must admit I love this kind of stuff. I think I'd rather have people rip me than compliment me. I can't make fun of people when they say nice things. Also someone let Mr. Burke know that it's a commentary/editorial. It ain't an article. The only piece of news in it was that the US lost to Ghana.

Well it's Friday, so that mean's it's time for the Friday Random 10.

1. Sunken Treasure-Wilco
2. Back in Black-AC/DC
3. Boom!-System of a Down
4. Satisfy my Soul-Bob Marley and The Wailers
5. Zero-Smashing Pumpkins
6. Sick Sad Little World-Incubus
7. Jeremiah was a Bullfrog-Creedence Clearwater Revival
8. Magic Bus-The Who
9. Hoochie Coochie Man-Muddy Waters
10. Angelina-Zooma Zooma-Louis Prima

I'm not doing the best and worst song anymore. I like just about every song on my iPod, so trying to decide which I like the most, or least is stupid. I will say that the Mike Einzinger solo on Sick Sad Little World feels like an acid trip. It's awesome.

The White Sox just finished an insane three game sweep of the St. Louis Cardinals, one of the best teams in the National League, and also my favorite team not named the Chicago White Sox.

Why was it so crazy? Well look at this.

Game 1

The Sox had 26 hits, and scored 20 runs to win 20-6. That's right, 20-6. The last time the Sox scored 20 runs in a game was a decade ago in 1996 against the Milwaukee Brewers.

Game 2

The Sox had 16 hits, and scored 13 runs to win 13-5. All 13 runs were scored in the first 5 innings, so over a 14 inning span the Sox scored 33 runs. That's 2.4 runs per inning.

Game 3

The Sox had 1 hit, and scored 1 run. They won 1-0. It helps when the one person to get a hit for your team is Jim Thome. His hits have a tendency to go a VERY long way.

He kilt it. Part of me felt bad for the Cardinals rookie pitcher, Anthony Reyes. The guy was absolutely fantastic all night, made one mistake, and paid for it. Part of me thinks this game was karma for White Sox starting pitcher Freddy Garcia. Last season Freddy threw a 1-hitter against the Minnesota Twins....and lost 1-0. Last night he got to be on the other end of it after throwing 8 terrific shutout innings himself.

Picture of the Day

Normally, this is where you'd find the funny caption. Today I just wanna know what in the hell makes somebody think that that looks good?

Keepin It Real Since 1980,

Tom

A Little Too True

This is a repost from my sports column. Since the column was about something larger than sports, I decided to post it here too.

Ozzie Guillen did it again.

Ozzie went on a rant Tuesday in which he called Chicago Sun-Times columnist Jay Mariotti a fag.

I agree, along with the majority of Chicagoans who read Mariotti's column, with what Ozzie was saying about Mariotti. He is an ass. He is a moron.

The man flip flops on issues like a porn star on a mattress. He never has anything good to say about anything going on in Chicago sports.

When the White Sox are winning it's, "They're a great team, but Reinsdorf or Guillen, or even TV play by play announcer Hawk Harrellson are idiots."

Ya the Bulls made the playoffs, but Tyson Chandler is a joke and John Paxson was a fool to give him such a large contract.

He conveniently glances over all the good things that go on in this city and points out the one bad thing.

Three years ago it was all "The Cubs need Dusty Baker!" Now it's "Dusty Baker is an idiot and everybody who hired him should lose their job."

It's a surprise that Mariotti doesn't need a bodyguard surrounding him at all times. When you read letters to the editor in Sunday editions of the Sun-Times, about 95% of the feedback is "Mariotti you're an idiot. STFU."

So really Ozzie said absolutely nothing that the majority of this town has said to themselves while reading Mariotti's column. The problem is Ozzie said it in a very public setting.

He is the manager of the defending World Champion White Sox. He represents the organization, and the city of Chicago. The world is not a baseball clubhouse. It's really quite the opposite.

There is freedom of speech, so Ozzie can say whatever the hell he wants, but at the same time he has to accept the consequences of his words.

He should be suspended this time.

...and the guy says, "Rectum!? It damn near killed him!!"

He made similiar remarks last season in a press conference. They were jesting remarks made to a couple friendly reporters, so there wasn't a lot of noise about it. (Well of course Mariotti wrote a column on it.)

Whether or not the word fag has different connotations in his homeland of Venezuela is besides the point. He has lived in the United States long enough to know what the word implies here. He's also been here long enough, and has had to take enough abuse from, the incredibly PC atmosphere here in the United States.

A suspension and a fine may just be the thing that needs to be done to drive that point home to Guillen.

The biggest crime of this whole thing is that the White Sox are playing their best baseball over the last 10 days since their 12-1 run through the postseason last year, but all the attention will be on Ozzie and what he might possibly say.

He's a brilliant manager, whether he wants to admit it or not. He was a huge factor in the White Sox winning their first World Series in 88 years last season, whether he wants to take any credit for it or not.

This time though he's gonna have to take the credit for what he said, and accept his punishment.

Whether we agree with him wholeheartedly or not.

He Who Smelt It

Flatulence, or farting, has been a source of embarrassment and humor since the caveman first cut one loose in front of other members of his clan. Why has the expulsion of excess gas through the intestinal tract been such a universal and timeless laugh provoking phenomenon?

Sociologists and psychologists, with nothing better to do, have pondered this question, but after spending years of research and millions of federal taxpayers' dollars, they have been unable to come up win an answer.

Farts are funny because...well, they just are. Researchers have broken farts down into 12 categories.

THE "PULL MY FINGER OR PMF

• Everyone enjoys a good chuckle, and nothing produces one as consistently as the classic "pull my finger" gag. Many a gullible child has set a PMF into motion by tugging on the digit of a father (Birth father. Pulling the digit's of the Catholic father....COMPLETELY different story) or favorite uncle. The PMF has the distinction of being the only fart which is employed strictly for comedic purposes. (Unless you're Silvio. Then they are all for comedic purposes.)

THE MACHINE GUN

• A rapid fire or "rat-a-tat-tat" sound is created by gas bubbles, causing the sphincter to open and close quickly, thus producing short, but numerous farts in quick succession. This fart is one of the largest gas (as well as laughter) producing types. The longest "machine gun" on record was achieved by Gus Forbin of Thunder Bay, Ontario, from 1964-1967.

THE SILENT BUT DEADLY OR SBD

• This is perhaps the most dangerous of all farts. It's like the ninja of passed gas. Without any warning, the SBD's foul fumes quickly spread, creating panic and destruction in it's deadly wake. The unknown origin of the SBD results in denial and accusations. Typically the person who did it tries to blame it on the dog.

THE SHOCK WAVE

• Trying to suppress the release of intestinal gas can result in an intense pressure buildup, resulting in the shock wave-one long release of incredible power. The sonic wave generated by this particular fart can be heard for miles. There have also been reports of structural damage.

THE TRUMPET

• A series of loud farts that vary in pitch and tone is what researchers call "The Trumpet." With practice and proper diet, simple musical compositions can be performed-preferably at an outdoor amphitheater.

THE BIG WET ONE OR BWO

• The human body is a complex, mysterious, often disgusting machine. When it vents gas, sometimes other things are expelled as well-stinky wet things. Accompanied by its distinct wet sound, nothing can empty a room, or fill your pants as quickly as the BWO.

THE CARBONATER

• Decades before the invention of the hot tub, flatulent people in the bathtub were enjoying bubbles of their own making. And as to swimming pools-do you think that people who pee in the pool would even think twice about farting in it?

THE BLOWTORCH

• Mankind's fascination with farts has led to all kinds of experiments. The application of flame, usually from a cigarette lighter held near the body's "rear exhaust pipe," can ignite the expelled flammable methane gas. The admiration of friends and loved ones far outweighs the risk of setting oneself on fire.

THE OOPSIE-DAISY

• Try as you might, sometimes you just can't help bust a little wind..often at the most inappropriate times and places. (Like during sex.) The oopsie-daisy (also known as the "excuse me") most frequently occurs in the workplace, elevators, and fine restaurants-and it's usually followed by blushing and a sheepish grin.

THE AMPLIFIED COMMODE BLOW

• Unless you've brought a periodical with you, sitting on the toilet can be a tiresome and uninspiring experience. A commode blow, however, will not only provide you with instant gratification, it will also produce a sound three times as loud as those made by conventional farts letting everybody within 100 yards know exactly what you're doing in there.

BEER FARTS

• Due to it's effect on the digestive system and it's carbonated nature, beer is usually listed among the top fart-producing substances. While beer farts do have plenty of unpleasant properties, other foods and drinks contribute to the possibility of flatulence as well. the NFI (National Flatulence Institute in Green Bay, Wisconsin) has been compiling a list of foods and drinks that help contribute to "air pollution." Their findings? Apparently everything can make you fart, although beans have been officially classified as "the musical fruit."

I hope you all learned something today, about yourselves, and others.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,

Tom

Too Hot to Blog

First off, Tiger Woods didn't make the cut at the US Open!? Must be so he doesn't have to deal with all the "How does playing without your dad being here cuz he's dead in case you didn't already know that he was in fact dead Tiger?" type of questions he would have to deal with. At least now he can go spend the weekend with his hot ass wife.

Anyway onto the Friday Random 10 and that's it today. It's really hot outside and there are a few ice coldies in the refridgermerator with my name on them.

1. Capturing Moods-Rilo Kiley
2. Sick of a Man-Cold
3. I Walk the Line-Johnny Cash
4. Hey, Johnny Park!-Foo Fighters
5. Higher Ground-Red Hot Chili Peppers
6. I'm a Wheel-Wilco
7. Jump Around-House of Pain
8. Come Sail Away-Eric Cartman
9. Hold Me-Weezer
10. Sober-Tool

Favorite Song-Sober. Cuz I'm seldom that way.

Least Favorite Song-Hey, Johnny Park!. I like the song, I like all these songs. They wouldn't be on my iPod if I didn't like them. This is a really stupid part of the Random 10. Changes need to be made.

Favorite Album-Weezer-Make Believe.

Also we have a quote of the day from none other than Ms. Panger herself.

"Why are I retarded?"

I don't know Panger. I just don't know.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,

Tom

Violent Reactions

Recently I watched a show on the History Channel called Mega Disasters. It wasn't the first time I saw the show, but this one caught my eye. Previous episodes have been about possible disasters that could occur in America that would make New Orleans and Katrina seem tiny. Shows like what will happen to Seattle when Mt. Rainier erupts, or if a asteroid landed off the coast of California.

This weeks show was about a seldom heard of fault line in the midwest. The New Madrid fault line. The New Madrid line runs under 5 states; Missouri, Arkansas, Tennessee, Kentucky, and Illinois. (Hence the reason I'm interested.)

For most of my life I wasn't even aware there was a fault line in Illinois. That was until about a few years ago there was an earthquake here.

I was sitting in my room playing an online poker tournament. I was at a final table, and it was going on 4AM. All of a sudden out of nowhere everything in my room started shaking for a few seconds. It wasn't violent, but it was noticeable. My initial reaction was "Holy shit. An earthquake! COOL!!!" In the morning I watched the news, and they did report about the earthquake, so then I felt that I should research it.

That's when I first came upon discovering the New Madrid fault line. I had no idea of it's capability until I saw Mega Disasters though.

Apparently in 1811 over a 3 month span there were 4 very violent earthquakes(4 of the most violent in the history of North America) with the epicenter being in New Madrid, Missouri. All 4 earthquakes are estimated to be between a 7-8.5 on the Richter Scale.

Based on written accounts from people living in the area at the time, the earthquakes seemingly never stopped for a month straight. People wrote of the ground shaking for days at a time, and not being able to stand. I mean imagine living in the middle of Missouri in 1811, and the Earth is shaking, splitting open, spitting sand geysers up to 100 feet into the air. People felt as if Judgement Day was upon them.

The earthquakes were so large in magnitude that they rang church bells in New York and Boston and could be felt everywhere east of the Rocky Mountains. At one point it forced the Mississippi river to change direction AND FLOW BACKWARDS. This obviously led to a lot of flooding.

The show then goes on to explain problems that would occur if an earthquake occurred now compared to when it happened then. An earthquake now would rupture the natural gas pipelines underneath the ground and release the gas into the air.

Now what do you think happens when downed power lines and natural gas get together?

Mix that in with all the sulfur floating through the air and you got yourself one helluva fireworks show.

If similiar earthquakes happened today the cities of St. Louis and Memphis would be destroyed. Bridges all across the midwest would collapse, making it very difficult to get aid to victims.

So as I'm watching this I'm getting a little worried. In Chicago the quakes would be between 4-5 on the Richter scale, not horrible, but enough to do some real damage.

Then they get to the point where they say that the earthquakes seem to happen every 300-500 years. It's almost been 200 years since the last one. Then the narrator goes on to say that "we don't have much time left to prepare."

100 years isn't enough time to prepare? Think about where this country was in 1905, and look at it today. 100 years seemed to be enough time to get a whole helluva lot of things done.

So immediately my mind goes from "Oh this could be bad!" to "What the hell do I care?"

I watched the rest of the show for the computer simulated animation of what would happen if the quake hit today. It was pretty cool. I feel sorry for my great great grandkids though. Well not really.

If you want to see the episode, it will be shown again on the History Channel this Sunday at 10PM central time.

Last night at work I had an interesting encounter on the phone. Dianna, Greg, my sister Megan, and I were ordering dinner from Pauls. I love Pauls. They have the greatest beef sandwiches in the area, and I love to eat them.

So I go upstairs to call in the order. I get to Dianna's turkey sub when the guy on the phone asks, "Mayo, mustard, or Italian?"

I don't know. Dianna didn't tell me. So I ask the guy if he can hold on while I go ask. I even tell him to put me on hold and take the next order so I don't hold him up. He agrees and puts me on hold. So I tell Greg to go find out what Dianna wants.

A few seconds later the guy gets back on the phone and asks if I'm ready. I explain I'm still not and it's ok if he puts me on hold for a few minutes.

Well this time he THINKS he puts me on hold, but instead just puts the phone down. I then hear,

"Whatever you say asshole. Take all the fucking time you want, I don't have anything better to do. I just have a ton of people who want to place orders, but it's your fucking world. I'm just living in it."

He then gets back on the phone.

"Ready yet?"

"No sorry, the asshole still hasn't gotten an answer."

"Excuse me?"

"I heard every single word you just said man. What the fuck is your problem? I told you to put me on hold. If you're so fucking busy how come you have all the time to talk to yourself while waiting for me?"

"I put the phone down, I wasn't talking to you."

"What am I an idiot? Since you weren't saying it directly to me that makes it ok?"

"I was quoting a movie."

"You were quoting a movie!? Well I got a fucking movie quote for you. Go fuck yourself we'll order from someplace else."

I was so pissed that I couldn't get my sandwich. Since he knew who I was, and where I was ordering from I let my coworkers know that they probably don't want to order from Pauls for a week or two.

Greg of course asks, "You wanna ride over there and kick his ass?"

I did. Unfortunately I had too much work to do. But one day..........

Since he was just released from the hospital this morning, and will be all right, I now feel comfortable making fun of Ben Roethlisberger and his motorcycle accident. The thing I have seen written about it that made me laugh the most though was something Knighty posted on Full Tilt Forum.

It was an analysis of the Roethlisberger accident given ala Mr. John Madden. While reading it, make sure you read it in Madden's voice for full effect.

Now, you see, what happened here is that Ben Roethlisberger was on a motorcycle, which is a motorized vehicle with two wheels that goes really fast but it doesn't really offer much protection in a crash. Now, he wasn't wearing a helmet, which as a football coach I just can't understand because every football player should want to wear a football helmet all the time because that's what makes a football player a football player, especially when he's got a big hunk of turf hanging from the facemask, that's when you know a guy's a football player. Ben didn't read his block correctly and rode right into the New Yorker, which is named after a city with a great hot dog stand, which aren't as good as Philly cheese steaks but they're pretty darn good when you're in New York though I like the Chicago dogs a little bit better but that's because they put the relish all over the hot dog. Anyway, Ben didn't see the car and BOOM! he smacked right into that. This is just a rookie mistake on Ben's part. He should study film of Brett Favre, the greatest player in the history of the game even though he can't figure out which team is his anymore but he's just got so much heart that you can't help but love him and want to cradle him in your arms after a pleasurable evening alone with him where you just sit there and question your sexuality. Brett Favre's the type of player that would've realized he was about to get hit and just thrown the motorcycle into the arms of a waiting criminal, which are abundant in Pittsburgh, unlike Detroit which really cleaned itself up for the Super Bowl, which was won by the Pittsburgh Steelers in Jerome Bettis' hometown which made for a touching story and kind of ties the whole thing together.

That's it for today! I'm tired of typing and fighting Blogger to let me post pictures!!!! What the hell is wrong with this place!?

Keepin It Real Since 1980,

Tom

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner

Well Panger and I decided to play a $10 sit and go together this afternoon. While we were playing I also joined a 45 person $5 sit and go to mess around in. Well I finished 7th in the $10 while Panger took 2nd.

In the 45 seater however....

$80 profit. I'll take it for 2 hours work.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,

Tom

Fun for the Whole Family

While I was at work last night I read Richard Roeper's column in the Chicago Sun-Times. It was about drinking games. Being that I'm a large fan of drinking and games, obviously when you put the two together I'm ecstatic.

So I felt inspired to go to Wikipedia and see what kind of games I could look up. Which ones have I played, which ones do I want to play, and which ones are just plain stupid.

Here are a few games I play that everyone can play. They're fun for the whole family!

• Flippy Cup-Flippy cup is a team game. Generally 2 teams (More if you got the tables) compete in a kind of relay race of alcoholic proportions. Each player fills a cup with a specified amount of an alcoholic beverage, usually beer. Friends and I have tried to play with Jager before, but it proved to be not only incredibly expensive but really time consuming after a while. For some reason when people down 3 half cups of Jager within a few minutes they get sloppy. So I suggest beer. Anyway one person on each team is designated to go first. The first thing that person must do is chug their beer. After successfully chugging the beer they then have to place the cup on the table, leaving a portion of the cup off the edge. They then have to use their index finger (I also recommend your middle finger for balance) to flip the cup so that it lands on its top, upside down. After their cup has been flipped the next member of the team starts by chugging their beer, and so on down the line until one team finishes. After the game the winning team then exchanges high fives and chest bumps while mercilessly taunting the opposing team. Personally it's widely accepted that I am one of the best flippy cup players of all time. Not only do I chug my beer with cat like speed, I average 1.1 flips per turn throughout my career. They are already clearing space for my plaque in the Flippy Cup Hall of Fame should I ever feel the need to retire from the sport.
• Asshole-Asshole, or President, is a card game. It's rules vary wildly between the groups of people who play, so I'll just have to share the rules I'm more familiar with. You take a deck of cards (or 2 if you have a large group) and deal out the entire deck to everybody playing. The goal of the game is to be the first person to get rid of your cards. This makes you President. The first person to play then discards their lowest card (Usually a 3 cuz 2's have special powers I'll get to later.) first. Then the player after them has to discard something higher in value, or equal too. Pairs, trips and quads can also be played at any time. If somebody just put down an Ace, you can put down a pair of 3's to beat it. Dueces hold special value in that a 2 can be played at ANY time, and when it is it "clears the board." The person who used the 2 can then discard again, but can use any card they wish since the board has been cleared. (EG. Player 1 discards 3Kings. Player 2 cannot beat that but has a 2. Player 2 discards the 2, clearing the 3Kings. Player 2 then discards their lowest card, a 5 and the process starts over.) The 4 card also holds a special power in my group of people. It's the social card, and can be played at any time like the 2. Unlike the 2 it does NOT clear the board, and the player cannot discard again. Instead when a 4 is played everyone in the game takes a drink. Now if you cannot beat anything the board, and do not have a 2 or a 4 you have to pass. Everytime you pass you take a drink. The first person to successfully discard all their cards is named President. The second person is Vice President, and so on down the line using whatever titles the players choose. The person who never gets rid of their cards is the asshole. The asshole must then shuffle all the cards and re deal for the next game. My friends and I designate the player who finished just ahead of the asshole as the Beer Bitch. It's the Beer Bitch's job to refill everybody's beer before the next game. While the asshole deals the next hand they have absolute power and command any player to drink any amount of beer they please. The catch is that once the next game starts, the asshole has no power. The President can command that anybody drink at any time once the game starts, while the Vice President can command anybody but the President, and so on down the line. So the asshole has to be careful not to ruffle feathers because every other player at the table can command they drink. Also after cards have been dealt, the asshole has to pay taxes. That means he has to give the President any 2 cards he asks for, while the President gives the asshole his worst 2 cards. If anybody is elected President for 3 consecutive games, or terms, they get to pass a rule into law. Something like the thumb rule where anytime the President places his thumb on the table the rest of the players must follow suit. Last person to put their thumb on the table must chug a beer.
• Drunk Driver-In drunk driver you deal out a triangle of cards on a table. Theres the top card, then a 2 card row, a 3 card row, and so on. Generally played up to 5 rows (15 cards on table). The rest of the cards are then dealt to the players. The first card on top of the triangle is then flipped over. If it's a 4 anybody with a 4 in their hand then puts their 4 down and commands anybody take one drink. When a card in the second row is flipped over 2 drinks are given. Third row, 3 drinks etc etc. At the end of the triangle the players add up the value of cards in their hands (Face cards are 10, Aces are 1.) The player with the highest total left in their hands then has to run The Gauntlet. The Gauntlet consists of 9 cards dealt face down on the table (7 for the ladies). The cards are then flipped over 1 at a time. If the card is anything between a 2 and a 9 nothing happens. The dealer moves on to the next card. If the card is a 10 the player must take one drink, and the dealer flips the next card. If the card is a Jack, the player must take one drink, and the dealer adds another card to the original 9. If a Queen is flipped the player must take 2 drinks, while 2 cards are added. Kings are 3 , Aces are 4. Theoretically the Gauntlet can go on forever as once the deck has been gone through, you shuffle it up and start again. In fact I remember one night (hazily) in which The Leemer and I were to run the Gauntlet together. The dealer went through the deck 4+ times (There are 44 drinks per run through the deck) for a grand total of at least 176 drinks. Needless to say we were drunk. Drunk Heroes.

I'm reading a book called Five Seasons by Roger Angell. This is a excerpt from the book that made me laugh incredibly hard while reading it.

During the early stages of their(The New York Mets) terrible first summer, in 1962, their center fielder, Richie Ashburn, suffered a series of frightful surprises while going after short fly balls, because he was repeatedly run over by the shortstop, the enthusiastic but modestly talented Elio Chacon. After several of these encounters, Ashburn took Chacon aside and carefully explained that, by ancient customs, center fielders were allowed full freedom to catch all flies they could get to and signal for. The collisions and near collisions and dropped fly balls continued exactly as before, and Ashburn eventually concluded that Chacon, who spoke very little English, simply didn't understand what it meant when he saw his center fielder waving his arms and yelling "Mine! Mine!! I got it!!" Richie thought this over and then went to Joe Christopher, a bilingual teammate, and asked for help.

"All you have to do is say it in Spanish," Christopher said. "Yell out 'Yo la tengo!!' and Elio will pull up. I'll explain it to him too-Ok? You won't have any more trouble out there."

"Yo la tengo?" Ashburn said.

"That's it," Christopher said.

Before the next game Ashburn saw Chacon in the clubhouse. "Yo la tengo?" Richie said tentatively.

"Si, si! Yo la tengo!" Chacon said, smiling and nodding his head.

"Yo la tengo!" Ashburn said. They shook hands.

In the second or third inning that night, an enemy batter lifted a short fly to center. Ashburn sprinted for the ball. Chacon thundered out after it. "Yo la tengo!! Yo la tengo!!" Richie shouted.

Chacon jammed on the brakes and stopped, happily gesturing for Ashburn to help himself. Richie reached up to make the easy catch-and was knocked flat by Frank Thomas, the Mets' left fielder.

I played in a $20 Horse tournament on Monday night. I finished in 5th for $87, but considering the fact I had been down to about 280 in chips right before the first break I'm pretty happy with the outcome.

I did catch some tough luck at the final table though. At one point I had the table covered with over 45K in chips, but then got hurt in a few hands. I had a full house lose to quads, and then in another Stud hand I started 4 to a straight flush and never hit any of my outs.

"If I continued to headbang onstage, I could have had a brain hemorrhage and dropped dead on the spot."-Jonathan Davis of Korn

That would have been one helluva show. Korn has had to leave their European tour after Jonathan Davis had to be admitted to a hospital for a blood illness called immune thrombocytopenic purpura. It's a condition that keeps blood from clotting like it needs to, and came about as an allergic reaction to a medication he'd been taking.

Hopefully he'll be fine by the time they come here for the Family Values Tour. I've waited a long time to see Korn and Deftones play together, and nothing better get in my way. I don't even care that Korn's last album sucked ass.

PICTURE OF THE DAY

Though it also could have been this gem Silvio sent me.

I'll let you guys choose which is your picture of the day.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,

Tom

America Has Spoken

Follow up on my last entry and US Soccer.

A new ESPN poll asked how we think the US will do in it's next game against Italy.

Over 31,000 have voted so far. The results?

Truly the United States of America. When was the last time we all agreed on something?

What's Happening to Me?

I remember a few months ago I was texting Silvio with something about the Cubs and the fact that they suck. His response startled me a little bit when the text I got back said,

"I don't care. I watch soccer now."

Well as it turns out what he meant was that the bar by his new apartment in the city was a soccer bar. Whenever he goes there all they have on the TV's is soccer. So he's not able to watch the Cubs and has started following soccer.

When I asked him why he just doesn't go to a different bar he told me that he didn't care that much, and that he was starting to like soccer. "It's in our blood." (We're both Italian.)

So now a few months later the World Cup was fastly approaching and I was talking about how stupid soccer is with Panger. She told me she loved soccer. (BTW I'm noticing that Panger loves every sport. She'd pry watch curling.) She went on and on about how beautiful the game was. I countered with "a bunch of guys kicking a ball back and forth for 90 minutes. Don't get much prettier than that." She probably meant that the men playing the sport we're beautiful.

They are tremendous athletes. I couldn't run around like that for 90 minutes straight. I've never doubted a soccer players athletic prowess though, it's just I always found the sport boring.

I remember when the World Cup was in the US, and here in Chicago in 1994. There was obviously a big deal made about it since it was here, and I got into it. I bought myself an Italian soccer shirt (Adidas of course) and wore it everywhere during the Cup. I even watched America suck.

I was crushed in the final though when Roberto Baggio missed a kick in the shootout and Italy lost to the booming crescendo of the Spanish tv announcer (If you watch the World Cup you have to watch it on the Spanish station. Even if you don't speak spanish it's totally worth it when somebody scores.) yelling

"Baggioooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"

I was heartbroken and I didn't even give a shit!

I never played soccer growing up. I was a baseball player. So really I didn't know anything about the game except for the fact that you can't use your hands. Slowly I learned about the game by watching, and quickly started to live for corner kicks.

To me all the back and forth at midfield is boring, but once they get near the goal then I get interested. I actually Tivo'd a game the other night while I was sleeping and I watched the entire thing in fast forward until somebody got in the offensive zone.

Makes the game a lot better for my ignorant American ass.

Then yesterday in an attempt to protect America I watched the Mexico/Iran match, and much to my surprise, I was enjoying it.

Today I watched the US get their asses kicked by the Czechs, and I still enjoyed it. I didn't even care that the US team was embarassingly bad. Now as I type this entry I'm counting the minutes (33 as of right now) until the Italy/Ghana matchup starts.

See, I know I'm American but I'm rooting for Italy. Let's face facts, no matter how much the press here wants to tell us that we have a good team, the truth is we don't. They wouldn't tell us the truth cuz then nobody would watch. Being American though, and loving to ride the horse up front, I'm rooting for Italy. Being Scottish too I would root for Scotland if they were in the World Cup. Since they're not I'll root against England for them.

What the hell is happening to me!? Am I becoming a soccer hooligan?

No. Pry not. Here's what's going to happen. I will watch the World Cup, and when it's over I'll say to myself,

"I'm gonna start watching more soccer."

Then I'll look for a couple matches from the leagues in Europe or the MLS and not be interested in it at all. I have tried to catch a few Chicago Fire matches from time to time, and I'm just not able to get into it.

My soccer interest is probably going to stay focused solely on the World Cup. The play I see in it is just superior to anything I see in the MLS. Maybe the Euro leagues are better, but I just can't seem to find Manchester U. or Real Madrid matches on TV here often enough to keep my interest. Then you throw in the fact that they will have to compete with my undying love for all things White Sox or baseball related and soccer just doesn't stand much of a chance.

I wonder how many of my readers started reading this entry and said "A post about soccer!? F this." and went to the next site on their blog reading schedule.

Did you know that some men are complete douchebags?

If you didn't I'll give you another example of Extreme Male Douchebaggery. At work last night one of my employess got a phone call. I was standing next to her, and for the entire 45 seconds or so she was on the phone she didn't say anything.

When she hung up I noticed her arms were shaking a lil so I asked her if everything was all right. She said no and asked if she could go to the washroom for a minute. I said sure and took over the register for her.

When she came back a few minutes later she was still visibly shaken, so I asked her what was wrong.

She told me.

Her fiance of the past three years decided to CALL her at WORK to let her know that he had met someone else and had decided to call off the engagement.

Isn't that sweet? Obviously I told her that if she needed a few minutes to herself or go home I would be okay with it. She said she wanted to stay in hopes that working might help her keep her mind off of it.

I then offered to go rough him up. She said that would be nice, but not necessary. It's a shame too cuz I was in a rumblin mood yesterday.

Then to try to help a little, she's a new employee and I don't know her that well so I tried as best I could, I told her that any guy who would choose to call you at work to tell you that isn't worth it anyway.

Obviously even though that's true, it doesn't really help matters I'm sure.

Poor kid.

You have to love when your team, in this case the White Sox, stages a ninth inning comeback and scores 6 runs in the bottom of the 9th inning.

Unfortunately the score going into the inning was 10-2 Indians. Sox lost 10-8.

I saw the movie Munich the other day. It was really good. Since it was directed by Spielberg, and about a pretty touchy subject I expected it to be really preachy.

It was a little preachy, but to his credit Steven did a good job of conveying both sides of the story.

Eric Bana is terrific in it as Avner, a Mossad agent who along with a crew of others is assigned to track down and kill the terrorists responsible. The only catch is they're on their own as Mossad cannot be linked to it. How Bana didn't get a Best Actor nomination baffles me.

If you ain't seen it, see it.

I shouldn't wake up at 4:30AM on June 12th and be shivering.

Where's your global warming now Gore!? Waaaah.*

*If you get it, you get it. If not, GFY.

Things I'm Wondering

• Where are my socks?
• Why is it that in the last three poker tournament I've played each time I've gone out has been the same? I flop a set and then on the turn my opponent hits a bigger set. 66vsJJ, TT vs KK, and today 88(My lucky hand!)vsKK.
• Why hasn't anyone shot Paris Hilton yet?
• Italy's national colors are red, white, and green. So why are their soccer jersey's blue?
• It's ok to crack open a Miller High Life at 2PM on a Monday if you're watching soccer right?

PICTURE OF THE DAY

Keepin It Real Since 1980,

Tom

Do Your Job America!!

I demand that all of the Americans who read this blog watch a very important television event.

This morning/afternoon the two biggest threats to our American way of life square off in a battle for American Enemy Supremacy.

IRAN

VS.

MEXICO

This time....it's political

Dear God what if they unite!? Then we'll have nuclear immigrants!

Stay strong America, stay vigilant.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,

Tom

Good Lord What a DB

Full Tilt Poker Game #700976901: $10 + $1 Tournament (4497668), Table 24 - 50/100 - No Limit Hold'em - 16:57:03 ET - 2006/06/09
Seat 1: tugsinker (3,890)
Seat 2: TomFornelli (3,260)
Seat 3: MYUGLYSIDE (2,045)
Seat 4: TheCountOfOC (1,230)
Seat 5: Xikon (3,235)
Seat 6: Maxman12 (3,440)
Seat 7: cihlen22 (1,145)
Seat 8: vcarternc52 (3,480)
Seat 9: Gus_Handsome (2,750)
MYUGLYSIDE posts the small blind of 50
TheCountOfOC posts the big blind of 100
The button is in seat #2
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to TomFornelli [As 6d]
Xikon folds
Maxman12 folds
cihlen22 folds
vcarternc52 folds
Gus_Handsome folds
tugsinker folds
TomFornelli raises to 350
MYUGLYSIDE calls 300
TheCountOfOC has 15 seconds left to act
TheCountOfOC folds
*** FLOP *** [3c Ts Ad]
MYUGLYSIDE bets 800
TomFornelli raises to 2,910, and is all in
MYUGLYSIDE has 15 seconds left to act
MYUGLYSIDE: i hate this hand
MYUGLYSIDE: 22
MYUGLYSIDE calls 895, and is all in
TomFornelli shows [As 6d]
MYUGLYSIDE shows [2s 2d]
Uncalled bet of 1,215 returned to TomFornelli
*** TURN *** [3c Ts Ad] [Ac]
*** RIVER *** [3c Ts Ad Ac] [2c]
TomFornelli shows three of a kind, Aces
MYUGLYSIDE shows a full house, Twos full of Aces
MYUGLYSIDE: wow
MYUGLYSIDE wins the pot (4,190) with a full house, Twos full of Aces
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot 4,190 Rake 0
Board: [3c Ts Ad Ac 2c]
Seat 1: tugsinker didn't bet (folded)
Seat 2: TomFornelli (button) showed [As 6d] and lost with three of a kind, Aces
Seat 3: MYUGLYSIDE (small blind) showed [2s 2d] and won (4,190) with a full house, Twos full of Aces
Seat 4: TheCountOfOC (big blind) folded before the Flop
Seat 5: Xikon didn't bet (folded)
Seat 6: Maxman12 didn't bet (folded)
Seat 7: cihlen22 didn't bet (folded)
Seat 8: vcarternc52 didn't bet (folded)
Seat 9: Gus_Handsome didn't bet (folded)