He Who Smelt It

Flatulence, or farting, has been a source of embarrassment and humor since the caveman first cut one loose in front of other members of his clan. Why has the expulsion of excess gas through the intestinal tract been such a universal and timeless laugh provoking phenomenon?

Sociologists and psychologists, with nothing better to do, have pondered this question, but after spending years of research and millions of federal taxpayers' dollars, they have been unable to come up win an answer.

Farts are funny because...well, they just are. Researchers have broken farts down into 12 categories.

THE "PULL MY FINGER OR PMF

• Everyone enjoys a good chuckle, and nothing produces one as consistently as the classic "pull my finger" gag. Many a gullible child has set a PMF into motion by tugging on the digit of a father (Birth father. Pulling the digit's of the Catholic father....COMPLETELY different story) or favorite uncle. The PMF has the distinction of being the only fart which is employed strictly for comedic purposes. (Unless you're Silvio. Then they are all for comedic purposes.)

THE MACHINE GUN

• A rapid fire or "rat-a-tat-tat" sound is created by gas bubbles, causing the sphincter to open and close quickly, thus producing short, but numerous farts in quick succession. This fart is one of the largest gas (as well as laughter) producing types. The longest "machine gun" on record was achieved by Gus Forbin of Thunder Bay, Ontario, from 1964-1967.

THE SILENT BUT DEADLY OR SBD

• This is perhaps the most dangerous of all farts. It's like the ninja of passed gas. Without any warning, the SBD's foul fumes quickly spread, creating panic and destruction in it's deadly wake. The unknown origin of the SBD results in denial and accusations. Typically the person who did it tries to blame it on the dog.

THE SHOCK WAVE

• Trying to suppress the release of intestinal gas can result in an intense pressure buildup, resulting in the shock wave-one long release of incredible power. The sonic wave generated by this particular fart can be heard for miles. There have also been reports of structural damage.

THE TRUMPET

• A series of loud farts that vary in pitch and tone is what researchers call "The Trumpet." With practice and proper diet, simple musical compositions can be performed-preferably at an outdoor amphitheater.

THE BIG WET ONE OR BWO

• The human body is a complex, mysterious, often disgusting machine. When it vents gas, sometimes other things are expelled as well-stinky wet things. Accompanied by its distinct wet sound, nothing can empty a room, or fill your pants as quickly as the BWO.

THE CARBONATER

• Decades before the invention of the hot tub, flatulent people in the bathtub were enjoying bubbles of their own making. And as to swimming pools-do you think that people who pee in the pool would even think twice about farting in it?

THE BLOWTORCH

• Mankind's fascination with farts has led to all kinds of experiments. The application of flame, usually from a cigarette lighter held near the body's "rear exhaust pipe," can ignite the expelled flammable methane gas. The admiration of friends and loved ones far outweighs the risk of setting oneself on fire.

THE OOPSIE-DAISY

• Try as you might, sometimes you just can't help bust a little wind..often at the most inappropriate times and places. (Like during sex.) The oopsie-daisy (also known as the "excuse me") most frequently occurs in the workplace, elevators, and fine restaurants-and it's usually followed by blushing and a sheepish grin.

THE AMPLIFIED COMMODE BLOW

• Unless you've brought a periodical with you, sitting on the toilet can be a tiresome and uninspiring experience. A commode blow, however, will not only provide you with instant gratification, it will also produce a sound three times as loud as those made by conventional farts letting everybody within 100 yards know exactly what you're doing in there.

BEER FARTS

• Due to it's effect on the digestive system and it's carbonated nature, beer is usually listed among the top fart-producing substances. While beer farts do have plenty of unpleasant properties, other foods and drinks contribute to the possibility of flatulence as well. the NFI (National Flatulence Institute in Green Bay, Wisconsin) has been compiling a list of foods and drinks that help contribute to "air pollution." Their findings? Apparently everything can make you fart, although beans have been officially classified as "the musical fruit."

I hope you all learned something today, about yourselves, and others.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,

Tom