Wedding Recap and other Observations

While at my cousin Keith's wedding on Saturday I was informed by my cousin Jenny that she had informed all of her friends of my blog here, and told them I was fucking hilarious. She then informed me that I better write something funny this week, or she'll look like a fool.

No pressure.

There was nothing incredibly hilarious about the wedding and the reception, save for Jenny's speech, to report on. So I'm pretty much screwed with getting any material from it. I can report that I did not sleep on my lawn Saturday night, so I guess I'm taking a step forward there. (Or backwards depending on your point of view.)

It was nice to see some family members that I get to see about once every seven years. Also I have to say that my cousin Kirks kids (Cameron and Emily), and my cousin Amy's kids (Owen and Elliot) whom I had never met before are so adorable it's painful.

As far as the ceremony went, I laughed everytime the priest tried to say my cousin Keith's name. He was of Carribean descent, and just couldn't pronounce the name Keith. When somebody asked me what I though of the ceremony I told them,

"It was a lovely ceremony. I'm sure Stephanie and Kate will be very happy together."

Also, there was this little Asian guy singing that had a voice as deep as Barry White's and it totally freaked me out.

While I was in the church though, a place it seems I'm only in for weddings and funerals, I got to thinking about a conversation I had with Panger the other day.

I can't remember the context of the entire conversation but at one point Panger told me that if I were God, I would be the Old Testament version. Mean and vengeful.

This set me off on a tangent about something that has always bothered me.

Why does everyone think that the New Testament God was so nice? Have they not read the New Testament?

He was just as big a dickhead in that one too.

I mean unless you consider having your son tortured and killed to be a sweet gesture. Me? I tend to see that as just kinda mean.

Jesus died for our sins because God was pissed at him for being so friendly and loving of us. It's true. I know.

I talk to God all the time.

We exchange text messages on everything ranging from Lindsay Lohan's cooter shots ("What a whore!") to last week's Grey's Anatomy. I once tried to watch that show and got through a good 2-3 minutes before I felt my testicles ascending up into my stomach.

The G-Man just can't seem to get enough of it though.

Anyway, Big G told me the story of Jesus always trying to convince him that humans were such wonderful people, and he should stop treating us so badly. God then told him he'd show him just how wonderful humans could be.

We all know how that turned out.

Back to those Lohan snapper shoots I touched on earlier, they've caused Lindsay to fall off of the pedestal I had put her on. I can understand if it happens once. The way photographers hound her looking for just such a photo, it was bound to happen. So when they got the first ones I was like "Ok. It happens. God that thing looks scary."

Then it happened again a few days later and there was no excuse for it. Here's a thought, if I'm photographed all the time, and one day I'm wearing my Laughland Family Kilt (I'm half Scottish if you didn't know) sans my Justice League underwear and a picture of my frank n beans gets leaked onto the internet, guess what!?

I'm going to make sure I wear my underwear everytime I make a public appearance. I don't need to give all the men of the world an inferiority complex by showing my stuff all over the place. It's just an unfair standard to try to live up to.

So as a result, I'm sorry Lindsay. It's over. It was good while it lasted, but let's face it, we're two completely different people who's lone attraction to each other was physical.

Don't worry about me though people, I've already moved on and replaced her. I always kept Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Biel, and Jessica Alba on the side anyway. (Angelina Jolie has been retired and placed in the Hall of Fame. She's like God or something now.) Now there's an opening in my foursome, and I've got to find somebody to replace Lindsay.

Who should it be? I'll let you readers help me decide. Here are our 4 canidates.

Elisha Cuthbert

Christina Aguilera

Keeley Hazell

Rachel Bilson

Who's it going to be?

That's really all I got today. If there's a chance you asked yourself if Sun-Times sports columnist Jay Mariotti was still a jackass, he is, and you can read about that here.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,
Tom