Hey everybody. How the hell are ya? No, I don't really care.
So I was reading Bill Simmons column last week and I noticed him talking about Tom Cruise. He said that everybody thinks Cruise is crazy now (He is.) but nobody realizes he was crazy all along. Simmons said he came upon the movie Cocktail and he noticed Cruise was crazy.
Well I didn't think much of this, but I rented War of the Worlds On Demand the other night, and basically studied Cruise. He IS insane. You can see it in his eyes, and in his smile. He has that Jack Nicholson as the Joker kinda smile. Of course War of the Worlds was made recently during Cruise's newly discovered crazy span. I couldn't be fully convinced....until last night. I was supposed to go to bed so I could get some sleep for work today, but then I saw it. On Encore in like 15 minutes, Cocktail was coming on. I hadn't seen the movie in years, and I never really liked it anyway, but now.......now I just HAD to watch it. I had to see if all I heard was true.
So I grabbed a Red Stripe, and planted my ass in the Lazy Boy. I literally studied Cruise and his mannerisms in this film like I had a final on it Monday morning. Simmons was right. It was all there. Every thing about him that freaks me out now, was evident in him then too. It's hard to explain it really, you have to see it. I'm telling you its on Encore all month. If you have the channel look for it...watch it...you'll see.
Not to mention I can see where the gay rumors start about Cruise. Whether he is or not, I don't know, and I don't care. It's just watching Cruise in the love scenes in Cocktail he looks incredibly uncomfortable and lost. Like he's never kissed a woman. I swear to god watch the first scene with him and Gina Gershon, it looks like he's trying to head butt her, not kiss her.
Then I remembered watching a bit of Tom Cruise on Inside the Actor's Studio. That was when I first started noticing Cruise's insanity myself. I mean he literally will laugh at ANY joke, and he wont just laugh. He will give you that deep loud AAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
And he literally won't stop for 25 minutes. It's terrifying.
Please don't sue me Tom. I'm just keepin it real.
Speaking of crazy, do I have a fun story for you. My co worker Tony Moy is convinced there are a bunch of US Military jets on the bottom of Lake Michigan. Why? I have absolutely no fucking idea. He just does. So Angel and I had to figure out why the jets are there. I mean it's better than working right?
Well we quickly ruled out that there was a secret Canadian/US war back in the day. Canada never bombed Minnesota, no matter how badly I wanted to believe it was true. So no there were no great dogfights over Lake Michigan.
That's when the epiphany came. That epiphany?
The live in Lake Michigan man!!! Dinosaurs live in an underwater city on the bottom of Lake Michigan. We call it Jurassic Water Park. Anyway they live in a big plastic bubble (Think Travolta and the Boy in the Plastic Bubble, only this bubble is a gazillion times bigger. Big enough to fit a whole underwater dino city.)
It's all true. (Previous and following statements are all lies. Well not the Cruise stuff.)
You see, Dinosaurs evolved. They grew smarter, and began to rely less on there eating skills. They developed a common language, and began to communicate. TRex's and Triceratopseses would bond over a chess board, and conversation. Of course in this new ecosystem new diseases developed for the Dinos. One of these diseases was cancer. Dinos though, being significantly more advanced than humans, were able to find a cure.
Well the American Government had known about the dinos for a while. They just hadn't figured out a fool proof way to exploit them for profit yet, so they kept everything under wraps. UCIA (the U is for underwater, the CIA is for CIA) officials came upon intelligence that suggested the Dinos had cured cancer. How they did this, I'm not sure, seeing how we have no comprehension of the Aqua Dino language. Anyway, these are menial facts not worth worrying about.
Humans needed that cure. The Government NEEDED that cure. Do you know how much they could charge us for it!? The Government finally found a way to exploit the Aqua Dinos. So on February 13th, 1983 President Ronald Reagan ordered an attack on Jurassic Water Park. Obviously Ron couldn't go through Congress for this one. He didn't feel like explaining to America and the world about the Aqua Dinos. (Lucky for you, I don't mind.)
The mission failed horribly, as it wasn't until after the dive bombings Reagan remembered that planes are for flying and not swimming. Unfortunately this warned the Dinos that they were in danger and they used their superior intellects to develop some bad ass weapons to blow all of us to holy hell. So we have no choice but to leave them alone.
They seem content to live under the waters of Lake Michigan, in private, and in peace. Will they ever come back to the surface to take their revenge on us? We just don't know, but you know what I do know?
Keepin It Real Since 1980,