Monday, January 09, 2006

Tom Cruise and The Aqua Dinos

Hey everybody. How the hell are ya? No, I don't really care.

So I was reading Bill Simmons column last week and I noticed him talking about Tom Cruise. He said that everybody thinks Cruise is crazy now (He is.) but nobody realizes he was crazy all along. Simmons said he came upon the movie Cocktail and he noticed Cruise was crazy.

Well I didn't think much of this, but I rented War of the Worlds On Demand the other night, and basically studied Cruise. He IS insane. You can see it in his eyes, and in his smile. He has that Jack Nicholson as the Joker kinda
smile. Of course War of the Worlds was made recently during Cruise's newly discovered crazy span. I couldn't be fully convinced....until last night. I was supposed to go to bed so I could get some sleep for work today, but then I saw it. On Encore in like 15 minutes, Cocktail was coming on. I hadn't seen the movie in years, and I never really liked it anyway, but I just HAD to watch it. I had to see if all I heard was true.

So I grabbed a Red Stripe, and planted my ass in the Lazy Boy. I literally studied Cruise and his mannerisms in this film like I had a final on it Monday morning. Simmons was right. It was all there. Every thing about him that freaks me out now, was evident in him then too. It's hard to explain it really, you have to see it. I'm telling you its on Encore all month. If you have the channel look for'll see.

Not to mention I can see where the gay rumors start about Cruise. Whether he is or not, I don't know, and I don't care. It's just watching Cruise in the love scenes in Cocktail he looks incredibly uncomfortable and lost. Like he's never kissed a woman. I swear to god watch the first scene with him and Gina Gershon, it looks like he's trying to head butt her, not kiss her.

Then I remembered watching a bit of Tom Cruise on Inside the Actor's Studio. That was when I first started noticing Cruise's insanity myself. I mean he literally will laugh at ANY joke, and he wont just laugh. He will give you that deep loud AAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA


And he literally won't stop for 25 minutes. It's terrifying.

Please don't sue me Tom. I'm just keepin it real.

Speaking of crazy, do I have a fun story for you. My co worker Tony Moy is convinced there are a bunch of US Military jets on the bottom of Lake Michigan. Why? I have absolutely no fucking idea. He just does. So Angel and I had to figure out why the jets are there. I mean it's better than working right?

Well we quickly ruled out that there was a secret Canadian/US war back in the day. Canada never bombed Minnesota, no matter how badly I wanted to believe it was true. So no there were no great dogfights over Lake Michigan.

That's when the epiphany came. That epiphany?


The live in Lake Michigan man!!! Dinosaurs live in an underwater city on the bottom of Lake Michigan. We call it Jurassic Water Park. Anyway they live in a big plastic bubble (Think Travolta and the Boy in the Plastic Bubble, only this bubble is a gazillion times bigger. Big enough to fit a whole underwater dino city.)

It's all true. (Previous and following statements are all lies. Well not the Cruise stuff.)

You see, Dinosaurs evolved. They grew smarter, and began to rely less on there eating skills. They developed a common language, and began to communicate. TRex's and Triceratopseses would bond over a chess board, and conversation. Of course in this new ecosystem new diseases developed for the Dinos. One of these diseases was cancer. Dinos though, being significantly more advanced than humans, were able to find a cure.

Well the American Government had known about the dinos for a while. They just hadn't figured out a fool proof way to exploit them for profit yet, so they kept everything under wraps. UCIA (the U is for underwater, the CIA is for CIA) officials came upon intelligence that suggested the Dinos had cured cancer. How they did this, I'm not sure, seeing how we have no comprehension of the Aqua Dino language. Anyway, these are menial facts not worth worrying about.

Humans needed that cure. The Government NEEDED that cure. Do you know how much they could charge us for it!? The Government finally found a way to exploit the Aqua Dinos. So on February 13th, 1983 President Ronald Reagan ordered an attack on Jurassic Water Park. Obviously Ron couldn't go through Congress for this one. He didn't feel like explaining to America and the world about the Aqua Dinos. (Lucky for you, I don't mind.)

The mission failed horribly, as it wasn't until after the dive bombings Reagan remembered that planes are for flying and not swimming. Unfortunately this warned the Dinos that they were in danger and they used their superior intellects to develop some bad ass weapons to blow all of us to holy hell. So we have no choice but to leave them alone.

They seem content to live under the waters of Lake Michigan, in private, and in peace. Will they ever come back to the surface to take their revenge on us? We just don't know, but you know what I do know?

Keepin It Real Since 1980,
Tom Fornelli


Anonymous said...

i see a strange but unmistakable connection between your two stories today.

let's take a wikipedia look at the history of the world through the eyes of a scientologist:

"In Scientology doctrine, Xenu (also Xemu) is a galactic ruler (of the "Galactic Confederacy") who, 75 million years ago, brought billions of people to Earth, stacked them around volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs. Their souls then clustered together and stuck to the bodies of the living, and continue to cause problems today. These events are known to Scientologists as "Incident II", and the traumatic memories associated with them as The Wall of Fire or the R6 implant...."

dude, this is a potential career move for you. think l. ron hubbard: start a church and write a book about jurrasic water park called "dinonetics."

and i'll be your first disciple (if you cut me in for 20 percent of the action...)

Fornelli said...

Dear LIM,

Can I call you LIM? You may notice that the Church of Scientology was never brought up in my post. There is a reason for that. They sue everybody.

I would just like to point out that LIM is the one who dogged the Scientology. If you wanna sue anyone, sue LIM.

Scientology is no different from any of our major religions. They have some crazy ass story their followers believe, and they exploit those followers souls for money.

Besides, I have my own religion. I'm an Apathist, and I just don't give a fuck. If you don't give a fuck send donations to Tom Fornelli. I can be reached via email at Write me if you like, or don't, I don't give a fuck. I'm an Apathist.

This message was brought to you by Tom Fornelli's Church of Apathy.

Huck said...

Tom after reading that I'm convince that you smoke way too much weed... good weed, but way too much

- Huck

Kent Hrbek said...

"bomb minnesota"

apocalypse now scene coming to mind but it's floating up the mississippi not the mekong and the wisconsinites are all throwing cheese at he boat... and then u scarifice mike tice and incinerate them all. cool. then they crack 5 beers. yah.

Fornelli said...

Actually Huck, what's really scary is that I was 100% stone cold sober when I wrote this.

At work when I thought of it though I had just finished a 20 ounce bottle of Pepsi, so maybe the caffeine did it.

Deemon said...

It's not just Tom Cruise and 94.2164% of Southern Californians that are crazy, you crazy mofo.

Anonymous said...

what she said.

Fornelli said...

They called Galileo crazy when he told them the Earth revolved around the sun!!!!

Just cuz you all don't have the mental capacity to wrap your heads around such an amazing story, don't call me crazy. I mean think about it...the Loch Ness Monster....The Lake Michigan Aqua Dino's Scottish cousin Tyrannasaurus MacGregor.