I Wasn't Even S'posed to Be Here Today

There haven't been many movies that I've enjoyed more than some of the ones made by Kevin Smith. Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, even Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. I never saw Jersey Girl, cuz well, it was Jersey Girl. Plus I could stomach Affleck in Mallrats, Dogma, and Chasing Amy, but only because of Jason Lee.

Combine Affleck with Jennifer Lopez, and I'd rather dip my balls into a vat of acid for 10 seconds.

That would be a good conversation when bringing a girl to bed, wouldn't it?

"What happened to your balls!?"

"It was either Jersey Girl or a
vat of acid. I stand by my decision."

"Take me!"

Anyway, back to our subject.

Ever since I've gotten the DVR I don't see much commercial action while watching television. Combine that with the fact that I generally use the internet for nothing more than my blogs, sports, poker, and finding nipple slip pics of Lindsey Lohan and Co., and you can see why a lot of new movies and television shows slip by me unnoticed. (What is this "Iraq" anyway?)

So I'm watching something I recorded while at work, and fast forwarding through the commercials when something catches my eye.

Oh my GOD. It can't be.

I recoil in my chair in horror.

It's a trailer for Clerks 2.

I remember having heard something about a sequel being made for this movie a while ago, but never put much stock into figuring it was just nothing more than your typical internet rumor bullshit.

Now I absolutely loved the original Clerks. It's one of my favorite movies of all time. I mean how can you not love a movie that includes the line:

"Try not to suck any dick on the way through the parking lot!"

Or such a beautiful song as Berzerker?

"My love for you is like a truck, BERZERKER! Would you like some making fuck, BERZERKER!"

Hell, seeing as I've spent all my working life in retail, serving the public, the movie was just perfect for me.

It is this love for the original Clerks that causes my absolute terror at the prospect of the sequel. It can only be worse. I would say disappointment, but I expect it to be horrible, so I can only be pleasantly surprised-which I won't be.

Why in the hell does this movie have to be made? Now I know that Hollywood isn't exactly new to the concept of pushing out shitty sequels just cuz they know they'll make money whether they're any good or not. It's just I thought Kevin Smith was better than that. (Edit:Now here is a sequel that HAD to be made.)

I mean I can forgive him for making a bad movie if it's just that, a bad movie, but this pisses me off.

See, even though I know it's going to be horrible, I HAVE to see it. I don't want to, I have to. It's like all those people that went to see Godfather 3. Everybody knew before they went in that they were gonna leave unhappy, but they had to see it.

I know that it'll be good for a few laughs, Smith is too good with dialogue to not make you laugh at least a few times, but there will be more pain. The truth is unless Rosario Dawson gets naked, this movie will do nothing to enhance the quality of anybody seeing it's life.

All it will do is take away 90 minutes and $10 that I'll never be able to get back.

$10 I could have spent on beer. Beer I'll need after seeing Clerks 2 to drown away the pain.

*************

Lost in all the fervor of Clerks 2 coming out on Friday, is the fact that World War III may have just started this week.

Let's look at the chain of events.

• Members of Hezbollah notice Israelis are Jewish.
• Hezbollah and Israel start trading missile shaped greeting cards.
• Israel says that Iran is backing Hezbollah.
• George Bush hears that Iran is being bad and finally has a reason to invade them.
• George Bush and America says that Hezbollah and Iran have to stop being such "total douchebags."
• Rest of World says while that's true, Israel could tone it down a bit too.
• Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton organize protest citing they are angry that "no African countries are involved in this war."
• George Bush gets England to back US forces in Middle East by pulling out the "If not for us you'd be speaking German" card. Tony Blair counters with "Nuh uh! You'd be speaking German!" First time in history Bush comes out of diplomatic meeting labeled as "the smart one."
• Ann Coulter blames Ghandi for spearheading Fundamentalist Islam, calling him "that evil dothead."
• Al Gore blames Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for accelerating global warming.
• Dick Cheney shoots his milkman in the face and claims it self defense. "He brought whole milk!! I need skim!! My heart condition!"
• Kim Jong Il gives his support to Iran.
• US declares war on North Korea.
• China sits and waits.
• Japan develops computer simulation of how war will most likey proceed, complete with a karaoke voice over. "Fun fol ho famiree!!"
• Pakistan gives it's support to Iran.
• US declares war on Pakistan.
• UN organizes some aid and party favors, accidentally drops care packages in Norway.
• The price of gas goes up to $4 a gallon.
• Rocky VI-Balboa vs. The Karate Kid is released, temporarily quelling the anxiety of American citizens.
• Finally, after biding their time until the most opportune moment, China gives the US and Israel its support. When asked why they took so long, Hu Jintao says "You all right! I learned it by watching you!"
• Nuclear weapons are used by both sides to end the war.
• George Bush does his happy dance as he waits for Jesus Christ to pick him up and take him "home."
• Everybody else dies.

To be completely serious, all of this does scare me. For some reason I don't see this as just another in a long line of skirmishes in the Middle East. There's too much volatility in the world right now, and I get the feeling that the pot is about to boil over.

I mean I actually got into a discussion about this stuff with my mother of all people the other night. I NEVER talk to my mom about this kind of stuff, it was absolutely surreal. She asked me what I would do should WWIII start and I get drafted. After I explained to her that it wouldn't happen she asked,

"But what if it did?"

"Well I hear Canada has nice weather right about now."

She asked me why I wouldn't fight for my country, and I then had to explain to her that no American soldier has fought for this country since the Civil War. The rest of our soldiers have fought to preserve America's interests, nothing else.

Nazi's running Europe? Bad for business.

Communism taking over? Bad for business.

No control of Middle Eastern oil reserves? Bad for business.

Israel getting bombed? Bad for business.

Now in truth, I generally don't know much about world politics. I have a passing knowledge, but most of what I've learned is through the Daily Show or The Colbert Report. Still, even I'm not too blind to see all the pieces falling into place right now, and I am scared.

Keepin It Real Since 1980,

Tom